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Male 20s. Need help coming out to a friend.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Blueline, Aug 3, 2017.

  1. Blueline

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    Hey, everyone. I just joined on here I was hoping for some really well thought out advice in regards to a situation. First, let me tell you a little bit about myself.

    My name is John, and my sexual orientation has been a struggle my entire life. I've had only a few relationships, because I've tried being with women many times in my life. It just doesn't work for obvious reasons. People have always had their suspicions about me, but I've never truly admitted who I really am. My parents pretty much know, but wont ask. My dad completely avoids the subject, but my mother voices her support for the lgbt community. My sister has also started voicing her support over the years. In the past my sister and mom were not supportive of the idea, but it seems they have completely done a 180. You cant even say anything negative about the lgbt community in front of them now. Yet, I've never told them.

    My issue here today, is not with my family, but with my business partner. We've been working together about almost a year, and I think it's getting to the point where I want to, or I must tell him. First off, I have no attraction to him, he is my buddy and that's it. He has helped me out tremendously in the work environment, and has stuck by my side. However, like I said, I feel like it's getting to the point where I think he feels I do not trust him. Lately he has been throwing hints like, I think it's screwed up when parents dont accept their kids for being gay. It's bleeped up, and so on and so forth. Today it was us sitting in the office with another co worker, and we were talking *politics* oh God. Lol So he is actually a Republican, and is a huge Donald Trump supporter, but he said this along the lines today. "I'm a conservative, but I'm democratic on social issues." First thing he brings up in front of me is "If gay people want to get married. I have no issue with it. Let them do whatever they want to live a happy life." And I literally didnt have words, I stayed silent, because if I said a word I would have gotten choked up.

    Now, I want to tell him. I really do. He is such a good guy and someone who's friendship I value tremendously. We don't hang outside of work too often, and my suspicions always were because I made him feel uncomfortable or something. I dont know what it is, but I just don't wanna tell him and make him feel awkward or uncomfortable or think I can't hang like one of the guys. He so obviously knows, he stopped talking about girls all the time in front of me, cause I don't have much to contribute. My problem though is that I'm afraid of telling people. I've only told a handful of people in my life, and it was never face to face. It was through text, messenger, or whatever. I just dont know what to do. Almost all his friends are conservative and conservative, and I don't wanna be the odd one out. I'm afraid he is going to think I'm a liar and not forgive me. Again, like I said, I have no feelings for him like that, so this isn't the case. I just want to keep a good friend before he ties of me for putting up so many walls. I just don't know how to do this and I really hope I can get some sort of advicr or encouragement. My sexual orientation is something that has been eating away at me for years, and it's getting to the point where I'm getting sick from keeping so many emotions bottled up inside. I just dont think I'll ever be ready. Please.. any words will help.
     
    #1 Blueline, Aug 3, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2017
  2. Blueline

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    Just adding.. do I tell him? What can I expect to happen?
     
  3. Quantumreality

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    Hello Blueline! Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    So, from what you wrote, it sounds like your business partner is definitely an LGBTQ Ally and has very likely been opening the door for you to Come Out to him. It sounds like he will most likely be accepting and support if/when you Come Out to him. However, we can never actually know how someone will react until we Come Out to them.

    What is it that is really holding you back? Figuring out how to Come Out to him?
     
    #3 Quantumreality, Aug 3, 2017
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  4. Blueline

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    Thanks for the reply and it did make sense of things. It's figuring out how to say it, I've only come out to a few people, and like I said it was never initially direct face to face. Lol I have literally almost 0 experience doing this. He is a big part of my life cause we work together, and I hate keeping someone I trust in the dark. That's stopping me, and the fact I'm afraid of change and new things. I'm afraid I wont have the same person. He is a great person, but I'm just sick of holding back, and putting up walls. He hasn't seen my real personality because I camouflage myself around him.
     
    #4 Blueline, Aug 3, 2017
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  5. Quantumreality

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    So, again, I would ask. What is it that you think your main stumbling block is? Have you decided to Come Out to him, but are trying to figure out a comfortable way that works for you (I can make suggestions along those lines)? Are you still undecided about even Coming Out to him at all right now (I would be happy to talk to you about that)?

    And I'm not being unmindful of what you just posted. However, as I said, you can't really control how anyone will react when you Come Out to them. In this case, though, your business partner seems to be sending multiple, almost blatant signals that you can just Come Out to him. If he won't be accepting of you simply because you confide some very personal and private information about your sexuality - which also doesn't change anything about the person that you are - then, he's been totally disingenuous in his discussions of LGBTQ people and issues with you. IF that were the case, I don't think he'd be a reliable business partner for you in the longrun anyway, would he? But that also doesn't sound like how this is likely to play out. In fact, I would be surprised (again based only on what you have written here) if he didn't simply ask you what took you so long to Come Out to him....
     
    #5 Quantumreality, Aug 3, 2017
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  6. Blueline

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    I'm still deciding, and I just don't know how to do it. I was thinking about printing out a flier that says "When a friend comes out to you." And it has tips what to do as a friend.. And putting it in his filing cabinet. If he can drop hint so can I right? Haha Maybe this will eventually lead to a discussion? Does this sound like a good idea? And yes, and suggestions you mentioned will be of help.

    He probably will.. like I said people talk and have their suspicions. I'm just not experienced with this. I dont want him to feel uncomfortable around me and not talk about the things he likes to talk about.
     
    #6 Blueline, Aug 3, 2017
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  7. Quantumreality

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    O.K., Blueline. Totally fair. You have to do what is comfortable for you.

    If I get the gist of what you are saying, you really would prefer to Come Out him primarily if he were to he ask you directly if you are are Gay. And that's the situation would prefer.

    Let me offer an alternative scenario based on the one you presented. What if you were to print a note for him directly saying that you are Gay (and written in such a manner that he knew it was you or had your letterhead, etc) and either putting it somewhere he had to find it in the short term OR you wrote a note that (semi-anonymously) asked him how he would react if he had a friend (or business partner, depending on how direct you care to be) who is Gay? When he finds such a note, he's bound to discuss it with you, isn't he?

    And a subtle, but also potentially more blatant way of Coming Out might be for you to wear some LGBTQ Pride items in the office - maybe as "subtle" as a rainbow wristband.

    (OBTW, I wasn't disrespecting you when you said to call you John. I just normally call people here on EC by their chosen Membernames until/unless I get to know them better.)
     
    #7 Quantumreality, Aug 3, 2017
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  8. Blueline

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    I have an update. I left it in his cubical drawer between some papers. He knows I go through his drawers to grab stuff. So I saw him grab a bunch of papers where the paper was. I went back in the drawer today and it was put back in the same spot.. but it was folded in half. I'm not sure if he found it, just saw it and put it back, or did that as a look I found it signal.

    I dont want him to directly ask me.. but I would like for him to somehow start the conversation. My stomach sank to the floor when I saw it was folded.

    And that is some really good advice thanks!
     
    #8 Blueline, Aug 9, 2017
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  9. Quantumreality

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    Hey Blueline,

    Maybe it's time to ask him straight-up if he got your note. And if he says no, you can tell him where to find it. If he says 'yes', you can ask him why he didn't even say anything to you about it.

    Just a thought.
     
  10. Blueline

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    I just asked him if he noticed a packet in his drawer.. he said no. But it was folded over in half.. and I saw it in his hand. Now I'm really confused.
     
  11. Quantumreality

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    Whoa, dude. It's starting to sound like he's trying to be intentionally ignorant of your Coming Out to him. (Granted, there is still some reason to believe that he is really that obtuse.) But, I guess I need to ask you how important it feels to you to Come Out to him at this point. Because that determines how strongly you might feel (or not) about being much more direct in your approach to Coming Out to him.

    This is all about you, dude. And no one else. You asked for moral support here on EC to Come Out, but if, after choosing your most preferred method of Coming Out, it didn't seem to accomplish your goal, then it's up to you where you want to go from here. If you are feeling stung or possibly rejected (although there is no real proof of that based on what you wrote), then that is your call.

    If you want to continue to find a 'better' way to Come Out to him, then I'm more than happy to continue to offer you ideas and support.
     
  12. Blueline

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    We were walking and he said to me "so you were the one who left the papers." Lol He caught me completely off guard. He said he wants to talk to me about it tomorrow because he saw how of guard I was.
     
  13. Blueline

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    He did reassure me that this doesnt change anything at all.. I did get slightly emotional, but I held it back. he shook my hand before he left and said stop it I love you pal.
     
    #13 Blueline, Aug 15, 2017
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    beagle likes this.
  14. Blueline

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    And this was after my other post. Lol
     
  15. Quantumreality

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    Cool, then Blueline! It sounds like he's accepting and the two of you can have a good talk. Good luck!:slight_smile: