Up until around 2 weeks ago, I was becoming more & more convinced that I'm gay, starting to get used to it & starting to wonder how I'm going to deal with it, meet other gay / bi men etc. I was reading the Velvet Rage book & resonating with a lot of it. Then I went on holiday with a few friends, escaped the stresses of work & life, came home a couple of days ago & I've gone completely against where I was headed before I went away! My increased attraction to men has virtually gone, I'm getting interested in women again & I'm just totally confused again. There was a degree of clarity as to what I was before my break, now it's gone. I'm completely in the closet & quite sexually inexperienced so when any talk of sex & sexuality comes up (it did a few times while away), I completely deny having any doubts as to what I am & play the totally straight guy. My thoughts are that as soon as the subject of sex & sexuality appeared, my subconscious reaction was to run straight back into the closet, close the door & deny any suggestion of being gay. But I also wonder if the (increasingly strong) gay thoughts that I had were maybe stress related.... Either way, I've regressed, I'm disappointed & all my confusion has reappeared..
Try to get some experience dating men and women and enjoying whatever light or heavy sexual activity that comes about (no pun intended). It's often hard for some guys, such as myself, to abstractly decide upon a sexual identity and it's better not to focus on labels but instead on what and who you enjoy being with. Doesn't really matter what you call it in the end.
Shybiguyuk: It'd be helpful if you'd post about your experience w intimacy w women & men - patterns or trends could emerge. Also, if u explained your sexual history, growing up, your first sexual experiences, attitudes in your family regarding glbtq … that could provide some clues about your sexuality. What kind of men are u attracted to, what kind of women? There is some fluidity being bi, as u identify, at least in your name Shybiguyuk! By fluidity I mean sometimes we're attracted to the same gender, sometimes the other gender. For me, it's not the gender that attracts me, but the individual. i.e. I'm not attracted to all women, or all men, just a some of each. As to "running back into the closet" … don't judge yourself … perhaps you're just being discreet … which is more important to a bi person than a gay person. Because people gossip, especially about sexuality, & any glbtq tendencies … misinformation about sexuality is easy to spread but hard to set "straight". But as a bi person, discretion allows us to keep our options open, have our cake & eat it too!
So when the subject of sex and sexuality (especially sexuality) came up, and you denied having any attraction towards other guys, what was actually going through your mind? How did what you said, compare to what you thought? I imagine there was quite a disconnect. How did you feel about denying the truth?
When I denied it, as I have always done, my mind was actually hinting that maybe I shouldn't deny it, which has never happened before. I felt almost awkward in that I was desperate to show that there was no doubt. There did seem a bigger disconnect than I've ever felt before between what I said & thought and there was almost a bit of guilt over it. I'm pretty sure though that if there was an admission of same sex attraction from me, my friends would struggle immensely to accept it.
In all honesty I've always been quite shy & insular so I don't have much of a sexual history. Growing up it was always girls I liked, maybe because it was the done thing in the 80's & 90's, who knows now! I've dated plenty of women in the past but never felt any kind of attraction to them other than how pretty they may be & how pleasant they may have been personality wise, There was never any sexual attraction. I've cross dressed in the past (still do sometimes) & have quite a strong feminine side & I've enjoyed sexual activities with other cross dressers. It is these times that probably initially woke up my interest in men. My last sexual contact with a woman was a few months back, completely unplanned & looking back now I can say I didn't particularly enjoy it. I had no attraction to her at all & the site of a vagina grosses me out for the want of a better expression. In the end it only served to question my sexuality even more. I've only ever met with one gay guy & he completely freaked me out! He seemed nice enough to chat to online but I had no attraction to him when we met. He was all over me & I felt so uncomfortable I left after an hour thinking if that's what being gay is like, I'm not interested. Since then, coming back on here & reading so many posts had enabled me to start feeling slightly more comfortable being attracted to men. Until last week of course when I felt as though I'd run back into the closet! In that sense, I probably was being discreet....I'm an intensely private person & give very little away. The result of many years of hiding my feminine side & more recently my gay / bi side.
Hi shybiguyuk: I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. I have experienced these sorts of (apparent) swings of orientation as well, depending on the environment that I was in. I come from a redneck-y part of the world and being too "out" felt physically dangerous at times, so when I felt safe it was easier to accept my queerness. I'd suggest that you might want to re-frame what's going on as just being "part of the process" of coming out rather than "regressing". In my experience being really self-critical never really solved anything, rather it just seemed to make things even more difficult. Telling yourself that you are OK and lovable in your wobbliness and confusion (because you are) will probably help smooth the path ahead a bit. I think it's really important that people who are in the process of coming out try to create, if not a support system, then at least a social group of queer peers (and others who are gay-positive) that they can spend time with; I think this really helps to reassure that part of yourself that is afraid. If there is a LGBT+ centre or a university campus near you they may have social gatherings or groups that you can join to make some queer friends. If it feels "too soon" for dating, etc. then be clear and direct to those who approach you with that in mind; I think most people are appreciative when they don't have to guess where they stand with you. I think you're doing fine - this isn't an easy thing to do or oftentimes figure out! Cheers.
Shybiguyuk, sexuality can be confusing, especially when you're attracted to both genders. The confusion lessens when u find a sexual partner you're comfortable with! I've found it important to only have sex w people I'm attracted to, incl some other constraints such as hwp, near my age, & DDF/clean (known in advance of sex). When I've had sex, under pressure, w people I'm not attracted to, I always regret it. Only u can unwrap the mystery of your sexuality, who you're attracted to, & what u like to do in bed. Sex is one of our most prescious gifts in this incarnation. I hope u can relax, enjoy it, & feel nourished.
As I suspected would happen, my attraction to men has returned and in all honesty I'm feeling a lot more settled again. I find it odd that I am because even though I'm getting more relaxed with same sex attraction, my over riding thought is still 'I don't want to be gay'. The only thing that will change my way of thinking I guess is meeting other gay / bi guys and seeing how I react. Only downside is the nearest gay scene that I know of is miles from me & I'm a nervous wreck!
Hey shybiguyuk, I think the lesson that you can take from this is that you really do have same-sex attractions. Whether you have mental blocks (such as shame and internalized homophobia) that are keeping you from understanding and fully accepting your sexuality or, perhaps, as wickedwitch mentioned, if you are a Bi guy who has greater swings in attractions, you at least have some basis for understanding that you don't seem to be straight. I have also had fluctuations in my attractions over the years, but my swings seem to be over decades. I also lived in different countries during many of those years, so I don't know whether to attribute my swings (or interpret them) to the physical types of people around me at any given time (i.e. my environment) or to fluctuations inside myself. Or both. I can also relate to your fear (for me, it was more aptly described as terror) about the idea of being gay. I would strongly recommend that you just try to listen to your body. Pay attention to whom your body is telling you that you are attracted. Who 'catches your eye'? Only men? Both men and women? Who do you fantasize about? Who can you not stop thinking about? Who causes involuntary reactions such as sweating palms or a heightened heartbeat when you are around them? Men that you are attracted to? Women that you are attracted to? Both? There is absolutely no need to label yourself now - or ever, really. Just take your time. I believe it is far more important that you understand and accept your own sexuality than it is to ever actually label yourself or even Come Out - at least to anyone other than your (potential) partners. I see that you're not Out at all. Is there anyone close to you who you think would be accepting that you would consider Coming Out to?
Hi Quantumreality........thanks for your message.. I know I definitely have same sex attractions & I can be pretty certain I have some huge mental blockers that are preventing me from acting up on them. I grew up in the 80's & 90's when being gay was a lot more frowned upon so my mindset has developed from there. For me, shame & internalised homophobia have naturally followed on & I need to find a way to deal with them. I've been trying to gauge my reactions to men & women over the last few months. I can find women attractive but I tend to find I'm looking at them for their clothing & make up & how they carry themselves. I'm hardly ever aroused by a woman though. Men on the other hand, now that I'm allowing my mind to look at them in a more open manner, have become a different story. Without a doubt I'm more aroused by them. They are catching my eye more & more & virtually all of my fantasies now involve men. I think for me, while I'm trying to work it all out, it's hard to say the type of man I'm attracted to. I just know that my body reacts more to the thought of being with a man than with a woman. I guess my attractions will continue to fluctuate until I deal with my fears & start to meet other gay guys. As for coming out.....I doubt that I would come out to any of my friends or family simply because of the uncertainty over how they'd react & how they would perceive me in the future. The first people to know about my same sex attractions would be those that I might meet if I can get over my fears..
Hey shybiguyuk, I know what you mean about attitudes towards homosexuality a few decades ago. I grew up in the 70's and 80's. It sounds like you are saying that you are starting to believe that you are gay, but that you are still dealing with shame and internalized homophobia which is keeping you from even 'allowing' yourself to just be you and accept your same-sex attractions. Have you ever looked yourself in the mirror and just said to yourself out-loud "I'm Gay" and/or "I'm Bisexual" to see how that makes you feel? Do either of those statements, when said out-loud, even if only to yourself, feel 'right' to you? If you haven't already seen it, I would recommend that you check out SiennaFire's blog on this subject: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?blogs/healing-the-shame-of-being-gay-ec-2-0-edition.29/ And these threads (paying special attention to OnTheHighway's posts): https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/dealing-with-internalized-homophobia.453766/ https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...-internalised-homophobia.459867/#post-6502507 https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/internalized-homophobia.413992/ They provide some good information about dealing with shame and internalized homophobia. Also, have you ever tried (or even considered) seeing a professional therapist to help you better understand your sexuality? Just some thoughts.
I believe in my heart of hearts that I'm gay but accepting it & coming to terms with it is a whole different story. You're absolutely right that my subconscious is preventing me from acting upon it & setting myself on the road to acceptance. I've tried the mirror 'thing' but perhaps without the conviction it needs. I will do it again soon & see how I react. I suspect that all the shame will bubble to the surface again & my mind will continue to deny what my heart pretty much knows. I'll read the threads as well....I've seen one or two of them before but no harm in looking again. I've also read the Velvet Rage book & recognised so many of my own traits in that. I'm going to read it again, take more of it in & see if I can act upon some of the direction that it gives. As for therapy......I'd prefer not to but my state of mind would suggest it may be a way forward if I can't get myself out of the rut that I'm in..
Hey shybiguy. I completely track with you. I completely get that understanding your sexuality and accepting it are two completely different things. I came to a clear understanding of my own bisexuality at age 23, but it took me two full years after that before I knew that I accepted who I really am. Each of us are unique and we approach this and come to a final understanding and acceptance at our own rate. There is no overall 'right' answer. You sound like you are at least actively exploring your own nature and you seem to be coming to a clear understanding of your sexuality. More power to you! If this is a major distraction in your life, I really would recommend that you do a little research and find an LGBTQ-friendly (or at least an LGBTQ-experienced) therapist who can help you work through this sooner, rather than later. You can probably come to terms with this in your own good time, but if you can get assistance along the way, you can potentially become much more comfortable with this aspect of who you are and move on with your (renewed) life that much more quickly. Just my thoughts.
