Hello all, So I am here seeking advice on what I should do. My partner of the last 2 and half years has told me that he wants to transition from being a male to a female, and he has booked in to see a therapist to start the process on Monday next week. He has had these feelings for a long time. He is MtF. I have been largely ignoring and pushing the issue aside for some time now, but with him going to see a therapist and making an actual, tangible, step towards transitioning... I don't know what to do. I love him. That is the issue here I think. I love him as *him*. I am a gay man. While I am sitting here typing this, I'm wishing to high hell hoping that somehow I can continue to love him once he is a she, but I don't think I even can, on a biological level. I have absolutely zero physical attraction to females. I am gay. We live together, and have been living together for the past 2 years. What do I do? I want him to be happy, and if being a woman makes him happy, then that is what I want for him. But I'm scared that I won't love him and be attracted to him, once he has transitioned. I feel like I'm going to hurt him more, by staying with him. But I want to stay with him. But I don't think I can stay with her. Gah this is so confusing. Breasts scare me. XD Help?
Wow that is a tough call. Your lover is a homosexual male wishing to transition to her female side. Bonus, she will continue to enjoy sex with men after transition Downsides, 1. She may not wish to engage in sexual relations with homosexual men who might see her as her male self 2. You may have no desire to engage in sexual relations with her after a complete transition In the meanwhile, time for an in depth one on one discussion with each other as to future goals that will affect the outcome of you relationship Find out if she intends on a full transition, will stop at hormone replacement therapy or if this is a two year phase of discovery with no clear answer yet Explain to her EXACTLY how you feel and how her decision will likely affect your relationship as it is right now Be honest but don't be prepared to throw her out of your life just yet, she may need the support structure you can provide her during a difficult time Isn't your friendship with her worth that much?
All of the above. Especially the one on one talking thing. Because it is not fair to either of you to not discuss this life changing event. Your partner might not have considered how you might take their change, because they just figure you want them to be happy. Being upfront and honest about your unsureedness (if that's a word) if you will still feel the same way after the transition is much better than bailing later because it isn't working. Living together for 2 years is a pretty solid amount of time to build bonds and a relationship. It has worked this long and can continue to work, as long as you both want it too. Also don't be afraid of boobs, they don't bit or anything.
I think that you owe it to be honest with her. It may hurt her right now, but with time she may understand. Honesty is really important in a relationship. You really need to both be open and communicate with each other. Sometimes that it hard, and this is one of those cases. You can say that you will support her in her transition, but you are attracted to men and will not likely be attracted to her once she has transitioned.
So I spoke to my partner. I've told him that if transitioning to being a woman is what is going to be the best thing for him, that i will support him all the way and that I will be there through the process. I also told him, that it is unlikely I will still be physically attracted to him, once he is a she. We talked about it for a while, and the main concern that came up was that if my partner is transitioning, that will be a very difficult time. She will need someone there as a partner, who will find the new her attractive and beautiful. I don't think at the end of the day that person can be me. As much as I love him, it would be more damaging and painful for her, I think, to have a partner while she is transitioning who is no longer going to be attracted to her. It's almost physically painful to even write this. I don't know what I want to do, because I love him so much. For me he is 'the one' and someone I want to spend my life with. When he transitions, I'm going to lose him. I suppose grief is the best word to use? I don't even know where my head is at right now. :/ Thanks for your words of advice everyone.
As painful as the situation is it sounds like you made the right choice. In counseling I was told others around me will mourn the loss of who I was while starting a new relationship with who I became. It might be best to start changing your relationship into one of a really close friend. It's wonderful that you're going to stay and show her support; but it's also equally important that you take time out for yourself to heal and think about your future happiness. We'll be here to help you through the process. *hugs*
This hits me right in the feels, as someone who feels somewhere in-between being a gay man and a trans woman, yet neither (also attracted to both). Because I related to men and women differently, yeah, there's no guarantee even I would be attracted if my partner were to transition. Friends? Hopefully, but being in a relationship with someone who wasn't being true to themselves and miserable would be even worse. You know how straight spouses feel when their partner comes out as gay? It's sort of like that. Personally, I'm sure she wouldn't want to be seen and treated as a gay male, either. A trans woman in a gay male relationship doesn't sound ideal at all. I know a lot of lesbian couples involve a trans man, but for some reason, there's a huge divide between gay men and trans women. Hell, even femme gay men have it rough dating. Not sure if it involves male privilege and misogyny, but those who are involved with trans women have to hide more. There's no "space" for folk who are attracted to trans folk, in the gay or straight communities. Sad to say, even bisexuals aren't always receptive. It does seem a lot of "gay boys" I've been attracted to later come out as trans, too :/ It's a mixture of envy, admiration, and fear, usually.
