So, my dad figured out about my conversation with my mom the other day (e.g. she told him everything). He confronted me about it. And I am having a repeat of when I came out. My parents, mostly my dad, are angry and saddened over me being trans and even thinking about transition. He thinks I've forsaken truth, God, and anything resembling a good life. I won't go into details, but it is looling really bad for me right now. I was supposed to be moving to college next week, with my dad taking me and my little brother (it's my brother's birthday so they were going to camp while I got settled). That's my ride. But more importantly, this is also majorly impacting how I leave things off with my family. I just... I didn't want it to end like this. I love them so much, and I know they love me too, but it's hell right now. My dad is demanding I write a letter for him defending my beliefs and outlining my intentions tomorrow. Then we'll talk again about it. I'm just coming off a terrible episode of depression, I cannot fucking deal with this right now. I told my older brother about this, the one who supports me (but lives far away so he cannot physically come and get me if things get bad). He's backing me and told me to lie in the letter, and tell my parents what they want to hear. I don't have any friends or contacts to reach out to for help. I don't know what to do and I'm feeling so alone right now.
I hate to say this, because I'm not one that would usually say encourage lying as ever a good option, but in this case... I think your older brother may be right. As a short term solution, it's a viable option. Once you're better settled and more independent of them, you can then come clean about the lack of honesty.
Gotta agree with the other posters here "Gosh Dad, maybe the stresses of going to college are weighing on my better judgements and once I get there and become settled my confusions about who I am may dissipate but regardless of my problems understand and know I am your daughter and love you and Mom very much, blah blah blah,,,' I hope and wish you the very best of positive outcomes from your trying time.
Yeah i would lie to them. I lie to my mom about literally everything and script conversations with her in advance cause she's both homo and trans phobic. Its easier to tell them what they want to hear and then proceed to go dead to them emotionally, and then fake a relationship with them until you are more independent, out on your own, financially capable of supporting yourself, and don't need them anymore. Well, for me it is anyways. That's my plan with my mom. My dad knows i'm gay and is okay with that but he does not know i am confused about my gender as well.
I would lie for self preservation , until you get to uni and have friends a place to stay and people to back u up. then send a second letter to them and have you bro as much help as possable. try get him to talk to them aswell once you leave for uni.
So I wrote them the letter. And I decided I'm going to tell the truth. I would regret lying to them at this point, as I have on every occasion told them the truth. I am saying that I will wait before making any lasting changes, which is true. I never intended to rush into transition and I am open to being wrong. I'll be giving them the letter tonight. Here is what I wrote... Spoiler: Letter From the very beginning I promised myself that I would not lie to you. And I have not. Not when I initially spoke to you about these issues, nor with the following change of heart, and not now. It is true that I have been wrestling with the question of how to best proceed, considering what I struggle with, for some time now. But the last year has not been in vain. I have been lower than ever, but I believe it was for a reason. Nothing is for no reason. Not my struggling with this, nor the conversations we have had. And I think that, ultimately, this experience will become something beautiful. I love you, and do not want to leave with anything unresolved between us. No stone left unturned or lie told. I have been hurting, yes. And I wish I could have been closer to you, and shared more of myself with you. But what has happened has happened, and the only way to proceed is forward and with faith. God will always come first in my life. That is what I choose. I believe that God’s word is Truth, and I want my life to reflect who He is by living out who He created me to be. And by living always in love. That is the standard I won’t deviate from. My choice of college was not influenced by any plan to transition. Simply, I thought a change of scenery would be nice and the cost of attendance was cheaper than most. And as for being alone and with no support, I cannot agree. A child of God is never alone or without support. I cannot understand why I struggle with this issue surrounding my gender. Never in the past can I recall choosing this, only identifying with a course of action I believed to be reasonable at the time. Speaking about this last year was tremendously difficult for me. As a result of that conversation I believed that I should continue to live as I have. To live one day at a time and make the best of it. But I cannot pretend that it does not hurt. I believe that where we have differed on the transgender issue is this: you say that who you are is reflected by the body you were created with. I say that who you are is reflected by the mind you were instilled with. I agree with you that there is a standard of absolute truth beyond human reason and that is - must be - the Scripture. God made male and female. I agree. You cannot choose your gender. I agree. This world is broken and causes suffering. I agree. My hesitance last night was not due to confusion or an unstable foundation. It was because I did not trust myself to speak without breaking down, and because I did not want to hurt you. Last night I prayed and thought about what I would say to you in this letter. Up to this point I had been thinking in one frame of mind, but I believe that you are right in that I should be challenged. So this is what I will do. I will wait before making any lasting physical changes. I will seek God. And I believe He will make it clear to me whether I should or should not pursue transition. You may say this is a start, but you want transition to be completely off the books for me. But I’m not there yet. You may press me for a definite answer: is it wrong or isn’t it. But I cannot give you a definite answer. Right now I do not think it is wrong, but I believe it is possible that I am mistaken. So that is why I choose to wait. You asked what my plans were. I intend to go to school and make music. I intend to find the other Christians there, both at church and the college’s intervarsity. I intend to enjoy every day to it’s fullest surrounded by God’s creation. I know that it won’t be easy and that there will be more trials to come. Adjusting to a new way of living will be hard at first. But I have to trust, and you have to trust as well, that it is going to be alright. With love always, [birthname]
Your letter is beautifully written and I admire your willingness to tell the truth regardless of the situation. Just be careful wouldn't want anything to happen to you, but mostly be steady & sure. Nothing is set in stone and the situation is shaky yet as long as you stick with your response and stay calm this will pass over. Wish you the best of luck
^ Same as this post. Your letter is touching. And it has a high level of profundity (pun not intended). And... [adequate conclusion]
I hope that things go as well as they can go. I would be ready to arrange another ride on short notice though, because it sounds like they could pull that last minute on you. I think that is good that you are being honest. I think that being dishonest would come back to bite you later on. It would feed into their "this is s phase" mindset. Stay strong, we are all here for you.
Your letter is great. I think you made the right decision not to lie to them: I lied to mine about gender and am now pretty stuck. Well done and good luck.
Update. I was given a small book to read on the transgender debate, and how Christians 'should' respond. I read it. Mostly it rehashes what I have heard tenfold. The blame lands squarely on culture, flawed worldview, and sin for the existence of trans people. Intersex people, interestingly, are affirmed in their medical treatment. I feel another conversation coming. This book is heavily implying "if you are a real Christian there no way, ever, you can think this is okay" while drowning it under a sugary dose of faux compassion. I leave the day after tomorrow and tomorrow I'm celebrating my birthday (early because of the trip). I wish this wasn't happening... Any advice on how to approach the ensuing conversation?
You are the one who knows your parents best. From hat you wrote before, it is important to you to tell them the truth about yourself. So stay strong, stay true to yourself and insist that you stand by the things you wrote in your letter. (Which is extremely powerfully written by the way). You will be surrounded by accepting people very soon, so don't let your parents get to you and talk you into promises you will not be able to keep. But above all, make sure to stay safe. From everything you've written on here, I know that you are an intelligent, responsible and strong person. You can do this. I wish you all the best.
The letter was well thought out and I loved it. I hope college goes well and as a fellow musician I hope you make beautiful music.
If they want to hand you that kind of stuff, I would bring evidence that transgender people can be christian to the table. It is clear that they want to debate over religious issues here. I would also try to bring resources to the table about transgender issues. I would have as much information as you can get gathered up before that conversation as possible.
