1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Today I Realized...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Humbly Me, Aug 9, 2017.

  1. Humbly Me

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2017
    Messages:
    2,072
    Likes Received:
    311
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    ...that I have been deceiving myself in the most incredible psychological maze of diverted feelings I could of possibly dreamed up, and I didn't know it. I always read these things about how our brains our amazing, and how reality to us is what we are perceiving. The first isn't a lie, the second is. The second, is not true because reality is there no matter what. And eventually, after our subconscious slowly processes into relevancy with our current situation, you realize you were deceived by yourself, that you liked to yourself. And this is what I realized today, conveniently while watching the Fosters ep. 21 when the little girl asked Jude if his parents said it was ok for him to go to the movies with her.

    I apologize if that seemed like an unnecessarily long intro.

    Today I realized that I lied to myself since 5th grade, maybe even before that in 4th. See, I think I have always known I liked guys. It never really occurred to me that it was possible though. I couldn't be that thing that people referred to negatively. A "fag" or a "gay". I was bullied plenty when I was young, and it hurt, so I think I decided I couldn't take it. I wouldn't let there be another reason they could bully me. So my feelings for other guys got pushed into a deep corner of my subconscious, which was easy then. But who are you attracted to when the people you are supposed to be attracted to arent allowed into your conscious mind? Anyone you like platonically whom you are allowed to like... So I redirect my feelings, without knowing, to girls (of whom consisted most of my friends, so there was no shortage). I realized today though, that the girl I claimed I liked, I don't even remember her face. But I remember the way it felt when my leg touched a guys on the bus home from my elmentrary school. How it felt when a friend of mine at summer camp rested his head on my shoulder and slept on the way to six-flags on a Friday. It felt so warm, and made my inside feel fuzzy, like how a cats tail feels rubbing against your skin. I was so scared they would get freaked out and move away because I loved how it felt, their skin touching mine.

    All these things have been locked away. Pictures with feelings and sounds attached to them, hidden away in a locked up box. A box that opened and spilled out everywhere. I don't know what to do anymore. It feels so right to just say I'm gay now, but at the same time it almost doesn't feel real.
     
    Twist likes this.
  2. Twist

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2014
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    150
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    An excellent epiphany, and eloquently expressed so that I could almost get an idea of the feelings and empathize even though I'd never gone through this denial personally.

    I think, over time, now that you've brought these realizations into the light that it will slowly begin to feel more real.
     
  3. lc asl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2017
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    The Netherlands
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I understand what you are saying, I didn't accept this gay thing either. It was packed with negative things and a bit different to you I used the gay thing to bully people, as i was a little asshole back then. I did not really know what gay really was, but i knew it was a bad thing. By the way I started being a bully when i noticed i became very popular at my school the moment I was done with someone and roasted the shit out of him. (him was a popular kid that tried to make me sad but instead of that he went off crying).

    Sorry bit off track, but i think i told what i wanted to tell you.

    And about the "i'm gay" thing:
    Labels are not important, just go after your feelings, they are yours. Don't supress your feelings cuz that only brings sadness
     
  4. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2017
    Messages:
    1,139
    Likes Received:
    226
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I see where you're coming from. I didn't acknowledge the mounting evidence that i might be gay in middle school either and pushed it far away to the back of my mind. I couldn't possibly be gay, being gay was wrong it was a sin, of course i liked boys i was just a late bloomer. My mom's conservative christian upbringing made it so easy to convince myself that i was just being a good daughter and all these kids would have been met with my (narcissistic emotionally abusive) mother's disapproval. Doing that was so much easier for me than facing the facts. It wasn't until adulthood that i began to realize the truth. Honestly it didn't take me long to accept at all, just a really long time to be 100% certain i was gay. Once i was certain, i was okay with it. It was easily accepted. But i am also a very logical, reasonable person, and had no counter-argument for good evidence.
     
  5. Yoshisegg

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2017
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Athens
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I can totally relate to all these things.I think you're my long lost twin brother!jk,but yeah ive felt like that in the past.Not only that but i used to lie so much to my friends that i liked girls,that for a moment i thought that it was true.Then one day i just said to myself ..you know you're gay right?then i had something like an anxiety attack,but then i just said,stop fighting it,there is nothing wrong with accepting yourself and realizing the truth.Instantly i felt a huge relief,because all these years i was running from myself,from who am i,and there was no need to run anymore.The day i accepted myself,was the day i came out to my mom..