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transmasculine + attracted to men?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Mihael, Jul 18, 2017.

  1. Mihael

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    I have probably asked this question before but how does one date men if you identify on the masculine side? As a not transitioning trans guy, a butch, tomboy, transmasculine, genderfluid? Something of that sort. Or if someone could offer some advice having experience with the same situation but gender reverted? How do you do it being satisfied and finding someone? How do you find someone who would respect your identity and not be like... disgusted or something? (Been there done that)
     
  2. Kodo

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    I don't have any experience but I've often though about this. Often, if I did meet a guy I liked, it just seems an "impossibility" to date because I'm still pre transition. If I dated while identifying publicly as female then I'd be lying, essentially. If I dated while identifying as male I'd likely not be taken seriously, or if I passed I would still be hiding the fact of my biology which would stifle any physical intimacy.

    The main solution I can see would be to try to find a bisexual guy to date. Of course this means you have to be more intentional. Not any guy you meet at the grocery store will be bi. So know where to look. If you are in college try the LGBT clubs, or look for an accepting place where such people hang out. That is the best I can reckon.
     
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  3. Mihael

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    What I thought about it is that supposedly there are quite many bisexual people, and many are in the closet about it, so the best test is to just be yourself and see who'd be willing to date. Those most likely be bisexuals, if they are conscious of it or not, or at least people who'd be into you regardless.

    Ugh. It's such a shame my university has no LGBT thing, I'd go in a heartbeat for various reasons. Such as wanting to talk with someone about related stuff.
     
  4. EverDeer

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    Hi there, I wish I could offer some real advice on this issue, but I'm not sure if I have a ton. I can sympathize though and say that I feel similarly and often feel that I am somewhat of a minority in the community for this... I know a lot of nonbinary AFAB people who prefer women but it was through discovering their sexuality that they came to know their gender... for me, it was the opposite. I had ingrained homophobia due to my gender dysphoria, and it came coming out as nonbinary for me to even admit and acknowledge that I was capable of being attracted to women... but I still vastly prefer men and identify closer with men and masculinity as well. I'm not planning any type of physical transition either... but I see myself as mostly agender but more leaning towards transmasucline.... I wish I could be called a boy and by masculine pronouns in real life as well, but maybe time will tell in that issue...

    Honestly, I just got incredibly lucky. I started dating a very accepting, straight identifying man before coming out as nonbinary... and we're still together despite some struggles due to it. He's told me he would certainly call me by a new name if I decided on one... pronouns are still a bit iffy, though he doesn't mind if others call me by he/him... however, I do agree with the sentiment that there are lots of bisexual/pansexual people out there who you could look for... I've met quite a few bisexual people who have been interested in me, other nonbinary people, as well as trans men due to the fact that we can bond over trans experiences as well.

    Don't be scared to be open about bisexuality either.... I knew a girl once who I was pursuing and was intimidated because she always called herself a lesbian and thought she only wanted to date a feminine girl... she said that frankly she only called herself gay due to her preferences, and that of course she still liked me as a person... sadly I think socially there is a gap between the "gay" world and the "straight" world, and oftentimes we end up quieting up and picking a side to make life easier... I'd say just be open and honest about who you are and how you need to be treated and someone who is accepting will oblige, even if hesitant or having a lot of questions at first, I think that often shows someone is caring enough to want to accommodate and try.
     
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  5. Mihael

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    Same.

    I'm very confused atm which side I prefer, so I think I'd just give myself a chance with both. Just try. Meet people. See how that all works for me. I had a realisation recently that I would feel bad without ever dating a girl, I would just regret.

    Aha. Yeah. If you browse through people's stories, it happens from time to time that someone gets lucky with an understanding straight man. My favourite transmasculine non-bianry youtuber even married such a guy in the end.

    That's a good point actually.
     
  6. SebAndGin

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    For me, the inner *male spirit* (I´d call it like that for the lack of better description but I guess you know what I mean) is more important than what does the person have in their pants. I have been lucky enough that all my partners were thinking the same way. What I´m trying to say is that the physical side is not *that* important at the end. As a gay trans*man I am attracted to men, and by men I don´t mean just people with penis attached, but the whole male personality. Ofcourse I was afraid of physical encounters but when you have two reasonable and enough tolerant people, they can always settle things up to satisfy them both at the end. So, my advice is, don´t stress too much about human biology :slight_smile:.. and make sure your potential partners are clever and open minded enough.
     
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  7. Enea

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    I'm one of the lucky ones who found an understanding straight man, but I found him before realizing I'm trans and I don't know if our relationship will survive if I'll ever decide to transition. In my case the problem of being with an understanding straight man is that he is straight, and that means that I can't be fully myself around him (to put it simply: he accepts and love my "male mind", but he's not so confortable if I try to change my gender expression to match more who I am inside).
    So, straight men are a possibility, but not an easy one. I think that bisexual or pansexual men would be a better choice.
     
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  8. Mihael

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    Mhm. I've been in such relationships too and in the end it always made me uncomfortable that the guy like only the feminine, externally imposed things about me, or things that are quite shallow and unimportant parts of me, and get so turned off when I'm behaving "too masculine". Or I can't stand the guy being too "romantic" with regard to me, because that's how you treat a woman supposedly.
     
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  9. Enea

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    In my case I have problems only when I think about the possibility of transitioning because I understand that it's not an option if I want to stay with him. For the other aspects of our relationships he never treated me "like a girl" and that's probably why I fell in love with him. Like I said earlier, I'm lucky :slight_smile:
    He is uncomfortable only with the idea of me being physically more masculine (not by my behavior). My theory is that he has internalized homophobia (sadly we live in an homophobic environment) and he doesn't want to be viewed as gay.
     
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  10. EverDeer

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    This is basically exactly my current situation as well. However, yeah I have met bi/pan men who've just immediately been cool with whatever I wanted to do really... obviously I still love my current boyfriend, but I have yet to see how it all will play out.
     
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  11. Foxfeather

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    Hooray
    You may
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    I think you just have ot have thick skin and try to find the courage to ask out as many pan/bi/gay guys as you can. You only need one lover, one partner, one spouse.
     
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  12. Daydreamer1

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    In the same way I'd date any other guy, as a guy. I'm not a tomboy, obviously, nor am I "butch". So I just do me.
     
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  13. Mihael

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    Reviving this. What are your thoughts on men being penetrated? I'm really scared of that. I can actually feel the parts I don't have, and I imagine that at least some of the time, I'd rather get a packer/strap-on, and use that for having sex, and that I'd like to top at least some of the time. But I'm really afraid that if I date a straight guy, he'd feel disgusted, repulsed, and so forth. Like, I don't know how to deal with this situation. I'm not uncomfortable being penetrated, but I don't enjoy it either. I imagine a lot of men might feel the same way. Am I right about it, or...?
     
  14. Crisalide

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    I've heard somewhere that some straight men enjoy anal penetration by dildo as part of "exploring".
     
  15. Enea

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    Maybe it depends on the environment you are in and in the open-mindness of the person you're with. If you live in an homophobe environment then a straight man would feel "less straight" if he tried to even think about stimulating his bottom.. it's difficult to make them understand that to be gay you have to actually desire other man, and that ass has nothing to do with it :smile:
     
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  16. Mihael

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    Do you mean like... bi-curious? What do you mean by exploring?
    Anyway, doesn't sound too encouraging for me, because I prefer to have a long-term partner. I guess if one were looking for casual sex, that might be an option.

    Yeah, probably. Rings true.
    Hmmm, technically being with a trans man, no matter what parts he has, or how he looks like, makes a man gay, lol. Well, at least a bit :wink:
     
  17. Crisalide

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    I don't mean bi-curious, I mean straight people exploring different ways of having sex than the usual "a penis goes into a vagina". Which go from anal sex to light bdsm. And this is likely to happen in a stable couple who's becoming bored by "normal" sex.
     
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  18. Mihael

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    Aha. Alright. I understand.
     
  19. Mihael

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    So... it might be not as bad as I thought then. (Sorry for multiple posts. Mobile)
     
  20. Enea

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    Shhhhh, don't let him think about that :smile:
    The truth is that I'm trying to wait for the right times to make him realize things, so he'll be more ready to hear what I have to say. Hell, it's been two years since I came out to him, and in these two years he never mentioned it but I don't think he'll resist for much more. What I'm saying is that I'm not in a hurry so I don't mind having to wait for him, in the meantime I'm trying, step by step, to be more myself and less "what's expected from me" and I think he's starting to notice it. Let's wait and see what happens :wink:
     
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