I keep going backwards and forwards between 'I can do this' and 'I can't do this'. Rather than seeing leaving my partner as one massive change, I'm trying to break down into smaller parts. They're not necessarily things that are related to sexuality, but more general things, like getting back in touch with friends I've not had much contact with whilst I've been with my partner. I've already achieved the ability to be financially independent, which is something I didn't have this time last year. The 'I can't do this because...' really drags me down, along with the awareness that's it's going to be a slow process. I am so fed up with this. Every day is just going through the motions. I just want to be happy, whatever that looks like for me. It just seems so far away at the moment.
TOTALLY NATURAL place to be. One step at a time and when you look back after a few months, a year, you'll see that you made amazing progress towards your goal. I look at my goal not as "to be happy", because to me that seems like asking too much. My goal is simply that I be moving forward in the pursuit of happiness. Because my whole life I just passively accepted all the shit that was happening to me as if it was all I deserved. Now I want to always be in active pursuit of joy... in charge of my own life... making decisions and taking actions! Maybe that would be a helpful idea for you -- that as long as you are taking steps and being proactive, you are clearly doing great.
I think any time you are taking steps to make yourself feel secure and loved, that's a wonderful thing. For anyone! Not just those of us struggling with a seemingly impossible situation. It's great that you've worked out financial independence. That's definitely the biggest hurdle for me. Getting back in touch with friends as a support system will be key no matter what you do. As for the vacillation, I'm right there with you. Making big changes like this seems to always be a few steps forward and many back. I hope you feel like the small steps toward a more secure life have helped. You're not alone.
@thesilence Thanks for your reply. Good to know that I'm not alone. Financial independence was a big hurdle for me too. I spent the last year career training. I hope you're able to work something out. Do you have any ideas?
I think there's two schools of thought on this process--one is the jump in with both feet squad, and one is the think it through, make a plan, move slowly and get there anyway squad. Sounds like you're in the latter group (me too!). Nothing wrong with building up your social circle/safety net by reconnecting with old friends etc. Seems sensible. You already worked towards financial independence and got there! HUGE worry off your head! Step slowly if that feels right, I know it seems disheartening that it's going to take some time, but you've got momentum here, you ARE in forward motion. You WILL get there, all the while you are are learning and growing in so many ways. I predict that you will be happy that you did this in the way that felt right for you. I say BRAVO! Just YES on this! Always just bumbling along letting life happen to me rather than jumping in there and MAKING it happen. For me and so many of us here this journey seems to be this glaring light bulb in our brain telling us, 'Wait a minute! I can actually be IN this? And take an active role in shaping my life?' We suddenly get that it is our RIGHT to take that active role AND that we have the power to do so--this was a shocking realization for me!
I think you are doing great. It takes a lot of emotional strength to get up and keep fighting every day. It's ok and completely normal to have an off day where things feel too overwhelming. Just remember how far you have come and that we are all here for you.
Thanks for your replies all. It feels like my resting mindset (i.e when I don't think about it that much) is that I'm gay and I'm going to start making small steps towards being a better place, whatever that looks like. And then when I really think about it, it's like: How has my life ended up like this? I've entirely messed everything up. On the surface, I've got no good reason to be unhappy, so what I need to do is focus on fixing my current situation. Maybe the sexuality bit isn't that important, the real issues are in my relationship. My current relationship is my reality, so I need to focus on that I just forget about the sexuality stuff. The best approach for me would be to focus on my current relationship and being happy within myself, and see where that gets me. Then if my relationship does end, just go with it and see what happens. Forget about labels. I would so love to be able to do that, but I don't know, I feel tired and unmotivated just thinking about it.
Ugh I relate to this so much. I look at this mess and drama I have created and think about the logistics of what the reality of leaving would look like, and it sucks. I think, wow I have a really good life. So many people are so miserable and stressed trying to make a living, and here I am in a comfortable place with my partner as my best friend and our sweet little family and think what the hell am I thinking?? How important is sex? Though I know being gay is not just about sex. All I know is being with a man so how could I ever imagine anything different? I am only going off of these intense crushes towards women. It's all just not fair. It's the scariest thing in the world to imagine destroying my current life for a "what if" of being more fulfilled and most likely being financially stressed. These feelings come in waves. When I am feeling more passionate towards a female crush nothing other than that matters. When I feel neutral I think I'm just being crazy and creating unnecessary drama. This is so hard. It really may take me meeting someone to leave for in order to make such a bold decision. Sorry I'm replying to two of your posts at once I think we are in a similar spot right now. This definitely is the hardest thing I have ever been through.
I'm right there with you both. The past theee days have been the worst I've had since May. The constant circle of denial, bargaining, and depression is just too much and it's bleeding over. I can't even have a simple conversation at work without thinking I'm just too much (that I shared too much, wasn't empathetic enough, needed to be less self focused, too dramatic/sensitive, etc) for anyone to deal with and over analyzing every little thing. I never thought I had self worth issues but I apparently do and at this point I have no idea if it stems from my struggles with my sexuality or something else. I feel like I'm going insane and I think my husband actually prefers a crazy me to a gay me because doctors can treat crazy. Sorry to hijack. @LostInDaydreams - I think that some of us later in lifers have a lot of barriers that are mental and physical that we have to overcome and it's tough. I'm sorry you're struggling too. It's really frustrating
@leb10 that is so incredibly much to be dealing with. I went several weeks of feeling absolutely crazy and depressed. I almost didn't trust myself and my mind was freaking me out. I think it's just a stressful overdrive reacting to all of the new realizations and conflicting feelings. My husband also went through his own version for a few weeks. Something happens and you can get over the hump. I have adjusted in a way and no longer feel crazy or depressed (I'm no longer on medication either but it helped for a few weeks there!). Know that it will get better. You will not feel so miserable and crazy forever. But seek help and medication if you need to. Our emotions adapt and our minds learn to cope with new crazy normals. I'm saying this all because I remember feeling like that a few weeks ago and all is so much better now. Be honest with yourself and keep a journal. It helps a ton. So sorry you are going through all of this. It is all too much, I agree. ❤️
This 100%. I could have written this exact same post and I know exactly where you are coming from. I wish I could offer you some sage advice to make it all better but all I can do is send a virtual hug.
@Findingmyself1 I can relate to everything you said in your post. @leb10 Don't worry about it, post what you like. I'm sorry that you're having a rough time at the moment. @NeonSocks I'm glad I'm not alone. I hope it will work out well in the end for all of us.
I've been a bit tearful the last couple of days. I feel like the reality of the situation is sinking in a bit perhaps. I tend to avoid thinking about it and just dream about being in a relationship with a woman, but now that makes me feel more negative than positive. I would like to be able to talk to somebody about all this IRL, but I haven't really got anybody to talk to. I was think that I could slowly try to build more affection into my relationship, and perhaps that might give me what I'm missing. I feel a bit lost at the moment, but I've got other things to be focusing on, so I'll just let it be for now.
I think you should find an LGBT counselor. I was too scared when I made my first appointment in May to say LGBT issues when I called the practice and was assigned a generalist. She's no longer there and I was reassigned to an LGBT one and there was an instant connection for me. She just got it. I think that would make you feel sooo much better. The best part about therapy is that they're there to hear it all. You don't have to worry about dumping too much on them the way one does with friends. Hang in there. This stuff is really hard. You're handling it all really well, even if it doesn't always feel like it.
Thank you. It is something I have researched, but the nearest LGBT counselor I've been able to find is over an hour away. I am quite scared about, and I also don't know how I'd manage to see a counselor regularly without my partner knowing. There aren't any LGBT groups, etc. near me, and my partner and I do everything together anyway, so realistically I think I'm a bit stuck until I tell him.
Wow, an hour!? That's tough. I'm sorry. My town doesn't have as many meetups and stuff as I hoped it would. It's so lonely sometimes. It has to be hard with him not knowing. I told my husband and it was such a hard conversation. He still gets really nervous on days I go to therapy and it sucks. Maybe seeing any counselor would help? You need someone to confide in
Hey its not something I have done myself but I remember seeing another thread where someone spoken about seeing an online counsellor where you could have like a telephone or skype appointment, maybe this is something you could look into and then you could arrange it for a time when you know your partner wouldnt be at home but your daughter could be etc?
Yes, I live in a very small town. I can imagine that it was a hard conversation. That's partly why I've not told him, but also because I think the relationship would be over fairly quickly after I told him and until very recently I've been financially dependent on him. He can be quite matter of fact and wouldn't want to save the relationship (I don't think). Also, based on comments he makes, he'd probably have more confidence in me being gay than I do. He might surprise me, but I don't foresee any trouble convincing him. @silverhalo Thank you. That is something I've considered. Due to house move, it's probably not practical in the immediate future, but it is something I will look at properly when things settle down.
