Love in the time of crazy

How can I stop having a crush on someone that might not be right for me? This is a continued saga of someone I randomly met, kept texting (for what seemed like forever), got plenty of mixed messages from, then more recently started having phone conversations with, and met up with a few times (I've had to travel a lot recently so we've been planning times to meet but haven't met up as much lately). Recently, things have been going very well, we talk every day, and she tells me she really likes me all the time (lots of compliments and lovely words).

We're still in the very early stages of getting to know each other, and we're not exclusively dating or anything close to that. It has been only a few weeks since we've known each other. She tells me very very sweet things about how much she likes me (not at all platonic stuff...it's very romantic-ish stuff). It's the kind of stuff you would tell someone who you have a crush on, which makes me feel good. However, she also has said that she has an online dating profile (an active one).

So, while things feel like they're going in the right direction (verbally), I also have a bad feeling like I can't trust her (I've always had serious trust issues to be honest, so that is my problem perhaps).

I guess I just think if someone really likes me like they say they do, perhaps that should be enough to at least temporarily pause the relentless effort of meeting other people in an effort to get to know me better. I know I'm projecting my own preferences on her which is not realistic...I like getting to know people one at a time. I know this is very un-modern, and I've read articles about how no one should expect people to stop the online dating unless they've been exclusive for so many months, etc. I personally can't do that...it makes me feel crazy to be talking to 10 people at the same time who I could potentially date.

I don't know how to feel about this anymore. Maybe I'm just scared, but I wish I could just stop having a crush on her. Perhaps I'm being unrealistic to expect her to focus on me even if only for a while. I know the dating world has changed, but I haven't...I feel like I have old-fashioned values when it comes to dating. If the other person is not like me in this regard, does that mean she's not right for me? Ugh! I wish I could just shut off my feelings.

I really would like to hear what other people feel about this. If you meet someone you potentially like a lot, do you hedge your bets and keep meeting other people until you and the other person are truly exclusive and in a committed relationship? Or do you put the breaks on meeting other people, and get to know a person (i.e. one at a time)? Thanks in advance.

 

Personally I only put my efforts into one person at a time. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I'm not sure how you can develop a serious relationship with one person while you talking to 10 other people. That makes me feel like the person I am seeing is looking for something better than me. Just my opinion.

 

Hi zumbaqueen,

I'm like you. It's nice to get to know one person, make a decision (yes, no), then move on. Apparently this makes us old fashioned because so many dating articles say it's fair game for a person to have their active profile even up to 3 months into dating a person. Seems like until the "we're exclusively dating" talk, it's fair game. I get it, and it's ok, but between you and me, I don't like it because it makes people feel like they're not worth even the brief time to get to know properly.

 

Depends on how you view seeing someone. Getting to know people is not the same as being serious with them all.

You never know when you will meet someone that will be in a relationship with you. Thinking you will find that one right person and go one at a time is not always the best policy. In stead of putting the focus on dating, try having a set of close friends. Take time to get to know several women at that level of friendship and start to see what you want from someone and what type of person will work for you.

Advise is just that advise. Sometimes when you are not looking the love of your life walks in the door.

I fell in love and many times I stayed for long periods of time. It took 30 plus years to find someone who really loved me.

There is no right or wrong way to find a mate. We do learn from the past. I hope you can find a way to do this your way.

 

I'm with you--I like getting to know one person at a time. Even when I was younger dating men, I was always with one guy, never seeing a bunch of guys at once. However, there were instances where THEY weren't only seeing me. For me this just led to me feeling like I needed to 'prove' myself, to be 'good enough' to get the guy etc etc etc.--not a great self esteem spot! I figure if I like one person enough to want to invest time in only them, I want them to be on the same page. But of course we have no control over someone else's actions or behaviors...***sigh***, only ours.

I actually don't think this is really the case. She seems to be being honest with you, so trust in her regarding what she is expressing. Which is, 'Rana I like you a lot AND I also have an active online dating profile.'

Seems as if she is telling you the truth about where she is at. I think this is more of a case of not so much not trusting her as it is not liking what she has to say. The active online dating profile tells you she is keeping her options open. It's probably unlikely that is related to you as a person, but more related to it being just the way she rolls.

I would say to keep the contact with your crush. She definitely seems to like you too. Try to move this, as much as you can, away from phone and texting conversations and into real life meetings. But also, try to keep your options open too!

 

Hi TrevinMichael,
Thanks for the response. You're right, sometimes it can take a lifetime to find that love. I have been spending more time with friends and it is indeed helping. I love the idea of thinking about potential girlfriends as simply friends first...seems obvious but I wasn't thinking about it like that yet. Thanks again!

 

Hi Moonsparkle,
Thank for your response. I also think it's a hit to my self esteem if I feel I have to prove myself worthy above the competition. I know that's not how I should see it.
I agree that she has indeed been honest. I also agree that we should take things past talk/text asap. We're planning on doing just that. It has really been my fault for not doing that sooner because I've had a lot of important things going on in my life that have taken priority. I'm holding on and seeing where it goes.

 

Hey I know the world of dating can be a tough one.

I agree it was honest of her to tell you but I wonder whether perhaps she was trying to bring up the whole conversation about whether you were actually dating and going to be exclusive. Maybe by telling you she has an active dating profile she was trying to test your reaction to that.

Have you met in real life?

 

The response was from my own experiences. I got married at 21 I loved her a great deal, but she ran away from home and came to me at my work and moved in saying lets get married. Her mom was abusive. I was just a way out of an abusive family.

It would have been great and worked out well if she would have found it in her heart to love me back enough to stay.
And after 15 years of knowing her and 14 years of marriage she cheated on me with someone she worked with and left
This was the only person I had ever been with. A lot more people came and went including another wife, and several men that never ever deserved my attention.as a friend. At 50 things started to turn around I met this woman and we fell in love.

She is a lesbian at heart, we are not sexual anymore but we love each other so much.

If I had to pick a label it would be bisexual, I do not fit in a box very well. I prefer human being who is sexual with someone if I love them.

I am not sure what I need from men, but I am working on that.

I have more than one close male friend most are platonic. I have grown so much in the past 5 years.

Life is meant to be lived in a loving way and showing much love to those around us.

Trevin

 

Yes, we've met up but I've been too busy to see her in person regularly. She has wanted to many times recently and I couldn't because of a professional project that has truly consumed my life but that's almost finished. We're planning on meeting again in the next 2 weeks.

She told me about her online profile very early on. At one point she asked me if I was talking to any other potential dating interests, which I'm not so I was honest about that (she knows I'm not on any online dating sites). She recently said she wasn't talking with anyone else either (any romantic interests that is), and that she only has been talking or hanging out with platonic friends.

We haven't seen each other enough on a regular basis in order to even think about being exclusive, but our recent talks make me feel like we're both interested in each other on a higher level than before.

Yet, sometimes I get the feeling that I'm being played. This might very well be my own paranoia and trust issues (I have serious trust issues), but I've witnessed actions from her that make me not want to trust her.

For instance, there were 3 occasions where she accidentally sent me a text meant for someone else. The first one was when we just started talking so it really doesn't count (it was her planning time to speak with someone which hurt me because she never was that respectful with my time in the beginning, but that has changed now and she is actually quite respectful of my time).

The second accidental text to me was her giving her email address to someone. That by itself is not a problem but when I texted her back saying I thought it was for someone else, she said it wasn't and that she wanted to make sure I had her email or something (pathetic lie on her part because we had already emailed a lot, and because nothing in our texting that day had anything to do with her randomly sending me her email address...it was completely out of place). The text itself wasn't the problem but lying about it is indeed a problem.

The last and most recent text mishap was a few hours ago when she randomly texted me "Thanks hun." Again, I know this wasn't meant for me because it was completely out of context with respect to our text conversation earlier in the day. I texted back "Thanks?" and I'm waiting for a response (surely another colorful excuse). She does call me "hun" sometimes but I don't think this was meant for me. I'm praying she's honest about it.

Also, there have been times when she has seen me online on messenger app and quickly went offline. And other times she has done the opposite and said hello when seeing me online. I don't know what that's about. Is it the immature behavior of someone who's too afraid to say she's rightfully busy and would rather hide? Or is it the behavior of someone guilty of some bad act who doesn't understand that hiding makes her seem more guilty?

Am I reading too much into these things?

 

Oh, I forgot to mention this. At one point I tried to step back and just let her go because I didn't know if she was trustworthy. She immediately called me on the verge of tears saying she really liked me, had hoped for us to keep seeing each other and didn't want me to let go.

Again, am I crazy to doubt her? Is she just immature when she lies about an accidental text or pathological? Or when she hides online is she just insecure or dishonest?

Ugh!

 

Hey it's really hard to say from these thing because they could be something or they could be nothing. I think it's worth giving her a chance when your project is over and you have more time to meet up. It is much easier to read people in person than over email and text. Perhaps at some point when you get an opportunity it might be worth saying something along the lines of valuing honesty above all else etc, I mean not those words but just making a point.
I agree that it's not the contents of the messages that are incriminating but the fact she feels she needs to lie about it. The going offline could be something or nothing, I mean it could be a coincidence, or as you say it could be because she is busy and doesn't want to be disturbed. I think it is another thing which you have to see how it plays out. Maybe if you meet more and find what you have grows into something and be exclusive then these things won't be an issue anymore and you will move on. If you decide to be exclusive and things like this keep happening then that would be the time to reassess what you want.

How much do you know about her, her previous relationships and stuff? I'm not excusing any behaviour but sometimes when you hear about people past it sheds a different light on their actions.

 

Hi Silverhalo,
Thanks for your response. You're always quite insightful.
I agree that it's not really possible to glean anything definitive from such behavior so far. I am indeed going to hang on, increase our meetups, and get to know her better in person. I also agree that if we get to a point where we're exclusively dating, such behavior would be a red flag. The honesty talk is one that I will absolutely have if we get to the point of exclusivity because I truly believe that even painful information that's given honestly never hurts as bad as feeling betrayed.
So the thing that I know about her past relationships is that she has been cheated on. She has experienced betrayal that hurt her very much. Her last relationship was a couple years ago but was at least 3 years long (this is the one who she said cheated on her). I have no doubt that she may have trust issues as bad as I do. I'm going to give it a chance for sure, and see where it goes. I'm also trying to have an open mind with respect to modern dating etiquette. Maybe deep down I'm just really scared (in fact, I know I am). The more I like her, the more scared I get it seems.
Thanks for your help as always. ♥

 

Quick update and question.

Okay, so my crush & I have planned to meetup again and have a fun day scheduled. That's my update.

Here's the question. Why does she try so hard to show that I'm the only potential girlfriend she's talking to? It's really unnecessary since we're nowhere close to being in a relationship (we're still only getting to know each other). She has always gone to great lengths (including obvious & childish lies) to give the impression that she's not even communicating with potential dating interests. It's unnecessary and does more harm than good. Even though my personal style is to focus on one person at a time, I've never told her this because I don't want her to think that she must do the same. Yet, she very obviously hides things that are probably innocent but seem more sinister simply due to her efforts to conceal.

I don't get it. Why not just relax and say you've got plenty of friends you talk to instead of concealing this for no reason?

 

Some people are insecure and just plain not honest. Hopefully it is not a trend. I think I would hate to deal with someone who continually lied about silly stuff my whole relationship. Maybe she is worried that she would scare you off if she was truthful. I guess this is where you both getting to know each other more will come into play and you can see more of each others personalities.

 

Rana,
The way to stop a crush is to stop giving it attention. From everything you have wrote about this crush, you are ambivalent, you do not really trust her, your intuition is giving you a red flag, you feel you are being played, you tried to end this and she created some drama to suck you back in. There are just so many red flags here that maybe the biggest question needs to be: why do you even want to get involved?

And, no, I do not have time to focus on more than one person at a time. I have a full-time job, a home to take care of, friends, and creative interests. With online dating I could see myself have text conversations with a few, telephone calls, then meeting in person with a few. Never in my life have I had more than 2 love interests at a time. More would just be so unnatural. I cannot feel apologetic because my time is spent in other endeavors besides dating. It sounds like your crush has a lot of time on her hands.

 

Follow your Heart and I really hope you find love and happiness. There is something to be said for love and friendship and lovers.

 

Hello all,

Thank you for all of your help & insightful responses. I'm trying to go with the flow and not make assumptions about my friend until we have more in-person time and get to know each other better. Obviously she does have some great qualities as well, otherwise I wouldn't bother.

I'm willing to get to know her well enough to get to the bottom of any questions I may have about her. I'm always quick to dismiss people out of fear of getting hurt. My nature is not to trust easily so I flee quite often at the first tinge of potential issues. Sometimes I'm right to do so, but many times I'm not. Long story short...I care enough to hang around but I'm trying not to have any expectations.

I'll keep you posted

 

I wonder if it might be worth trying to have some kind of conversation where you can kind of say to her look I don't mind if you are chatting to more women than me, until such a time where we decide we want to be in an exclusive relationship you are free to talk to whoever you like. I get that it's difficult because you don't want it to come across as though you don't like her and want her to talk to other people, or that you are talking to lots of other people but at the same time it would give you a clearer insight as to why she was lying about it.

 

I actually did have this conversation and said almost exactly what you just said, that I don't expect her to only be talking to me, and that it would be totally okay, etc.

Nope, it didn't help. She still feels the need to keep this facade that there's no one else she's talking to. I don't know what insecurity propels her to do this. And I don't know why she can't see how obvious some of her lies are.