This may be lengthy: I am a 20 year old straight male who met a brilliant woman my sophomore year of highschool (she was a junior) and we just meshed. We had the same music taste, we were both liberals living in Alabama, and both loved the outdoors. So two years passed and she got accepted to Yale. I was still a senior in high school, but she wanted to continue our relationship. We tried long distance, it worked out and then I got accepted to a school in the same city. We just moved in together last year, and nothing about our relationship pointed towards her being a lesbian. From the beginning of our relationship she told me she was bisexual. I was completely fine with that, but she wanted to remain monogamous (as did I). Our sex life was fucking incredible. She would intensley squirt numerous times during sex, sometimes dozens. We would make love for hours at a time. One year, during a 4 day trip to Bonaroo with her friends all she wanted to do was have sex. She was to the point of ditching her friends just to fuck me all day, and when I tried to suggest we go see some bands it would just not happen. So after her first year of college our sex life tapered a bit. She started birth control and said it decreased her libido. When we moved to the same city her decreased libido continued. She blamed it on her birth control, then it was her thyroid, then it was because we didn't do enough together (I worked full time in order to pay tuition payments). Now it is because she's gay. Two nights after she told me she was gay she invited me to a bar. We had a couple drinks and went back to her house to talk. She immediately jumped on me and we had a lengthy passionate sexual encounter. She proclaimed she was bisexual again and wanted to fuck other girls with me! The next morning she had no recollection of us having sex ( we were rather drunk, but come on!!), and now officially she is gay. Im completely supportive of her realization, but I am also deeply heartbroken and skeptical of it. The biggest thing that fucks with my head is that she always spoke of having children, and how many we would have. I love this woman, our personalities are mirror images, we both pulled ourselves out of the shit hole we were raised in. Also her family loves me, and I have kinda adopted them as my own because my parents are both severe drug addicts. I'm still talking to her regularly. She hasn't told her parents, and we had already planned a trip to Peru before this came to light. I'm just super confused and keep having recurring thoughts that are distracting me from work and my friends. Could she be experiencing a bisexual fluctuation garnered more to the same gender? Has she internalized her homosexuality all this time? Are my own systems of logic and reasoning completely flawed? I find myself unable to trust anyone as of now. My friends don't understand, and my family is practically nonexistent. Thank you for reading.
Luke, I think you are confused with good reason. I am sorry you are experiencing this. She told you she was bi at the beginning of the relationship. Is she having a relationship with a woman now? Are there some kind of mental health issues? Are substances involved here? You already mentioned alcohol. It sounds more like her logic is flawed, not yours! Of course you are having difficulty focusing and trust level is low as it sounds like you are being ditched by the love of your life who you had future plans and did not anticipate this. Nothing normal about any of this. Trust your own intuition.
She went out of the country for school and had an experience with a woman recently. She doesn't have any mental health issues that I'm aware of, but she is a rather high functioning individual so she may be good at hiding them. I'm not aware of substance abuse either. I mean we smoke bud and drink occasionally, but not in excess
She went out of the country for school and had an experience with a woman recently. She doesn't have any mental health issues that I'm aware of, but she is a rather high functioning individual so she may be good at hiding them. I'm not aware of substance abuse either. I mean we smoke bud and drink occasionally, but not in excess
Hey welcome to EC. I am sorry you are in this position but I wanted to tell you what an amazing person you are to be fully respectful and supportive of your partner when you are going through what must be so hard for you. If you read through some of the later in life threads here on EC you will mainly see this thread in reverse where the person who thinks they are gay joins EC and writes about how they have the most amazing partner, and their personalities match and they have such a great relationship but deep down they think they might be gay and honestly it can be so confusing even for the person having the feelings. Maybe your girlfriend is struggling with her sexuality and told you she was gay (which may well be the truth) and then panicked and doubted herself and that's why she had sex with you. When you have sex is it often after drinking? Communication is really the key, you could also get her to sign up here if you think that would help. You really need to talk when no alcohol is involved and see if she can tell you more about how long she has thought this etc.
Alcohol hasnt really been a component of our sex life. We have talked to each other while sober about her sexual orientation and she said she was attracted to me during our relationship, but now it's gone
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it has been a complete devastation for my husband, flipping his life upside down. Encourage her to talk and be as open as possible and try and just listen without telling her you are skeptical if she is gay. If she is telling you she is feeling this way, then it is real to her. However, keeping the conversation open between you two will help a ton. Although very difficult for my husband and I in the beginning, we have remained open conversationally with everything, and it has helped tremendously. Therapy had been a great help for each of us too. I have worried often that maybe I am just polarizing my new found attraction towards women, making it seem more significant than it could be. I have been afraid that maybe I'm bi but not tapping into that side. However, I am pretty confident I'm lesbian now, looking at my past attractions and experiences, and I just don't have proof otherwise. In your girlfriend's situation, it's possible she is only seeing the gay side currently. Though it it could very well be that she wasn't as into sex as you thought she was. Who knows what she has really been thinking or feeling. My husband joined the Straight Spouse Network. It was helpful for him to have support but he did say everyone was pretty angry and negative. That could be a good resource for you if you are seeking support of people in a similar situation. Good luck! Keep talking to her and try and be as emotionally there for her as you can.
I agree entirely with everything findingmyself1 has said. I also think it's important to remember how hard it will have been for her to summon up the courage to tell you, and I'm not taking anything away from how hard it is for you. Secondly she won't have done any of this on purpose
Indeed it has been hard for her to realize this, and I know it wasn't purposefully done. I'm just still processing it and somewhat in denial I guess, but that will change with time. Thank you so much for all the responses.
It's great that you are being supportive and understanding, but don't diminish your own feelings in all of this because you have been getting some mixed messages and it's quite reasonable that you should wish to know where you stand. Having said that, I don't think now is the time to pressure for answers because she's clearly trying to find herself on a sexual level. If you can be patient and let her work through things, whilst remaining supportive and understanding that would be great, but don't neglect yourself.
