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How long after deciding to come out did you actually come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by CUA, Aug 4, 2017.

  1. CUA

    CUA
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    I'm bi, and for a long time I just thought I'd keep it secret forever and live out life as if I were straight. By the time I graduated high school, though, it had become clear to me that I am much more interested in men than women. I simply couldn't see myself being happy in the closet forever, and finally decided that it was time to come out.

    The problem is, that was over a year ago. I know for a fact that my parents would be completely supportive if I came out to them, but even the idea of doing it just fills me with anxiety for whatever reason. Every time I told myself "tonight's the night," I failed to muster up the courage to follow through.

    So I'd like to pose the question asked in the title, and furthermore, how did you bring up the subject in the first place? I feel like a big factor in my hesitancy is that I don't really know how to initiate this kind of conversation. Feels like it would be really abrupt and uncomfortable to just drop it out of the blue.
     
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  2. Misadori

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    It took me such a long time to come out as a guy with transthoughts, a guy who would love to widen his wardrobe with all kind of clothes. To be honest, I've carried that kind of thoughts ever since I was little but not until I reached the age of 12 or so, things started to get more seriously with my thoughts of how I wanna live my life. It's been 15 years now where I slowly progressed in findin' my true myself and gather courage. It's somewhat sad 'cause I've missed out so many great possibilities of beautiful skirts, dresses, coats and so on over the years.

    The very first time I brought the subject up to my friend eye-to-eye was a late evenin'. Me and two other friends have a little thing where we travel out to forests in the middle of the night and take a walk, a way to seek excitement as well as go to places where we can talk about stuff that either troubles or bother us.
    After one such walk, me and one of my friends were sittin' in the car and we talked about dreams and tried to interpret it just to see how we are feelin' at the moment. We also talked a lot about the universe and what may be out there. This whole conversation loosened up my sensitive filter and I was about to lose my job back then so I felt like I needed to do somethin'. Since I could really trust this friend I told him my dark deepest secret about my true self for him. It felt safe since we were sittin' in a car and all, noone could hear us. That has been a true key for me when it comes to tell others: Find a place or somethin' where I feel secure and where the information goes between you and the one you wanna tell:slight_smile:

    I've actually managed to come out to my parents about two days ago as a trans (to a certain degree, I'm very interested to wear female clothings but only whenever I'm home at the moment) which was scary. I can't tell how many times I've been tryin' to tell myself that this is the moment, go ahead and bring up the subject. It's never easy to do that if you try to push or force yourself to do so, I ended feelin' stressy that way. For me, it was all about timing and gettin' into the mood. It's always the hardest in the beginnin', to entrust such a deep secret to someone as I was scared to death of how they would react and if they would accept me for who I am. I was very encourage by the words from my friends who kept supportin' me:slight_smile: I remembered many different sentences they said to me which gave me strength and courage. For me, it's all about loosen up that sensitive filter which could only be done if we came into a sensitive subject where my emotions were trigged: Dreams that I've dreamt at night, memories from high school (good and bad ones), talkin' about LGBTQ+ with others and hear what they think. It is said that the sensitive filter also loosen up durin' nighttime and that makes us people more relaxed and feel like talkin' about stuff that could bother us:slight_smile: I don't know why if it's the dark sky or if it is that you're feelin' tired but I do remember that the more pleasant conversations that I've had with friends and family has taken place durin' the night and we could go on and discuss about all kind of things^^ There are so many tricks in this world and I do hope that my tips may be useful if you think they sound interestin':slight_smile: I'm a big music lover too and I carry 1252 different songs on my mp3 at the momentxD Listenin' to certain songs that affects me more (mostly because I've linked them with my interest of female clothing). Such songs could loosen up that filter as well or perhaps lead into a subject or conversation too which might aid you in a good way:slight_smile: I've shown my little sister songs like 'Never Surrender' by Skillet, 'Monster' by Imagine Dragons and 'Reflections' by Christina Aguilera and told her about how I feel about those songs and how I link them to me. Today, I'm a proud owner of three different skirts that I love and I'm also plannin' of makin' an order of two dresses maybe since my parents did opened up by givin' me some space in their wardrobe where I can store them^^
     
  3. PoppyWoppy

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    It took nearly 3 years for me to finally come out publicly after deciding I wanted to. The fear of people hating you for something you can't change doesn't go away even if you know nobody in your life will care
     
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  4. Humbly Me

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    I agree, I have recently decided, through behavoiral analysis, that most of my older family members on my father's side (eldest cousin, grandmother, great aunt) would not care at all that I'm not straight. I am currently unsure but do think it might bother my aunt, other cousin, brother, and father. On my mom's side I doubt anyone cares whatsoever, I have played DND campaigns with some of their gay friends sometimes and they tend to think it's perfectly normal when they roleplay bisexual or gay characters.
    The only thing that really deters me from coming out to them is that I think my brother would learn quite quickly and my father also. This might make things awkward because my father continues to make homophobic jokes whenever guys do vaguely feminine things and my brother is probably either deeply closeted with internalized homophobia or asexual&aromantic as he has never expressed or even remotely showed an signs of liking anyone (like, he never looks at anyone even REALLY hot people of either gender), has never mentioned a crush on anyone, and display concern over any relationship or the mention of people having sexual relations, and never looks at any pornographic content online (I "might" practice internet traffic interception on my home wifi and have a copy of his search history that he can't delete simply because I was learning how to do such things and I run it at night because... Um... Idk...)
    Anyways it seems weird because I honestly know and believe that how they feel doesn't matter, but I still feel it is wrong to make my grandparents endure the burden of hiding this from my parents and family and I'm afraid it will really hurt my parents to realize that neither of their children will likely have biological children and a "normal" wife.
     
    #4 Humbly Me, Aug 4, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 4, 2017
  5. Totesgaybrah

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    I've known I was either gay or bi leaning towards gay since I was 12 but I just kept it in the back of my mind until I was in my mid 20s. A month before my 26th bday I finally accepted myself for the final time and decided that I needed to come out.
    2 months later I told the first person which was my younger brother, he was and is great about it so that boosted my confidence.
    A couple weeks later I told two friends. That didn't turn out very well for me, so I didn't tell Anyone else until 5 days before my 27th bday, which was when I finally came out to my parents. After telling my parents I no longer cared who else knew so I came out to a few more friends.

    I told my parents with an email. I really wanted to do it in person but I just couldn't. Now I think it was the right way, since I was able to be clear and say everything that needed to be said. That night my mom and I had a nice long emotional talk on the phone and now everything is cool and I wouldn't take anything back if I could.

    The process of self acceptance and coming out was pretty much the hardest thing I've done. It was totally worth it.

    My advice to anyone who can come out safely, is just do it. it's your life, live it the best way you can.
     
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  6. Quantumreality

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    Hello CUA! Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    What you are feeling is totally normal. We live in a heteronormative society and even the idea that we are other-than-heterosexual is often a big hurdle for us to overcome in our own understanding and acceptance of our sexuality. When it comes to the people that we love and upon whom we most rely (normally our parents) it can be truly terrifying to Come Out to them because we don't want to "disappoint" them nor lose their 'unconditional' love and support. It sounds like that is what you are going through.

    I never directly Came Out to my parents (and I'm 51 years old), but it was because of the particular circumstances of my life and I totally believe that both of my parents would have been accepting.

    Now, we can never actually KNOW how anyone will react when we Come Out to them, but we can have some idea in advance. From what you said, you believe that your parents will be accepting. That's wonderful!

    So, then, HOW to do you Come Out to them? That is a personal choice and their is no ultimate 'right' answer. Whatever you feel the most comfortable with is the 'right' answer for you. Would you feel most comfortable writing them a letter or a note? Or simply telling them face-to-face? Would you find it easier to send them a text? Or, perhaps simply wearing some LGBTQ jewelry or clothing (such as a rainbow wristband, which you could easily purchase online)? Or, perhaps, find a different method, such as baking a cake and icing it with rainbow colors and/or the words "I'm Gay"?

    It's totally your choice and your decision.
     
    #6 Quantumreality, Aug 5, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2017
  7. Misadori

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    Yes, I agree with you! Every sentence! For such long time I've been so insecure about myself and how to come out as trans to my friends and family. Right after I told my family that I'm interested in female clothing, I feel more powerful than ever. Like you said, I do too care less about who might or might not like me for who I am. I've noticed how much more courage I have now compared to before when it comes to tellin' my friends. I think that writin' a letter is indeed a good way to come out too 'cause I lack the courage to tell. I'm so thankful that my mother decided to abrupt my text messaging and invited to a conversation instead. I had a nice talk with both her and my father and it felt so great to hear their sweet voice tellin' that they do accept me and support me^^

    It's takes a long time to come to self acceptance indeed! Never thought I would, I kept foolin' myself that I'd be able to live a secret double life. What a long journey that was but sometimes you need that time to let your mind process it all and let you discover who you are deep inside:slight_smile: I felt like I really needed to be sure before tellin' anyone and how to explain and say it correctly. It is totally worth it in the end, I'm feelin' stronger than ever as a person^^
     
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