In one of my other threads, I mentioned going out to dinner with a good friend Thursday evening. Let's call her E. E was the first non-family member I came out to. We've been friends through work for about 4 years and have gotten much closer over the past 18 months or so. She's a little older than me and has three kids of her own that are mostly grown. She's been looking for the right guy for a long time now and seems to attract bad matches. The guy she is seeing now is great (has some baggage though) but E is anxiously waiting for him to take it to the next level and propose. It hasn't happened and I think she's second guessing how right things are. She knows me well enough to notice that I wasn't myself this spring. She thought it was the new baby or my marriage and just always seems so darn perceptive. At one point she started talking about having a girl crush on the signer of a band she saw and showed me a picture of news anchor that had recently come out (and said that the anchor had "incredible arms.") I finally told her that I was gay at the end of May/early June and shared with her all the emotional turmoil I was sorting through. She was so sweet and supportive. E then shared with how she can identify with finding women attractive and how when she was younger and her ex had the kids for the weekend she and her friends would go to bars. E and one of her friends kissed one time and E had a lot of feelings about it. Nothing ever materialized. Fast forward to dinner Thursday - E was awesome and generally super supportive of me. Telling me that I would make somebody so very happy one day. We laughed about me getting all the power tools in the divorce and how we'd get through it with some therapeutic alcohol. She also was pretty serious about "vetting" whomever I start dating in the future because "I was hers first." I'm not sure if I'm just more aware of all interactions lately with my new found confidence but she makes serious eye contact. I feel like she's looking for something when we're talking but maybe I'm do that too? But she could also just be supporting me because she's a great friend and is trying to find examples to help relate to my situation. All of this started clicking in my brain Thursday night and I think I have a crush on her. My mind wandered sooo far -- I thought about how great she'd be to sleep with (all those amazing freckles on her shoulders), how I could surprise her with the stuff she likes that her boyfriends have always sucked at, being beach bums together and sitting out in the sand in the dark and watching the waves. It all felt incredibly happy and good. I'm hoping that I'm just finally freeing my brain up to think about women this way and my mind is placing her in the fantasy because we're close emotionally, not because I like her like that. I'm kinda pissed at myself that I just can't have a good friendship. Am I doomed to crush on anyone I have an emotional connection with!? Also, there's, like, a very slim chance that there's something more there right? Do I want that? Ughhhh, things are hard sometimes.
I have been in your situation and sometimes I think we see signs in our straight friends that simply aren't there. I did fall for my best friend who is straight and I worked through those feelings and we remained friends. I finally told her I was gay and when I did those intense feelings I had for her started to go away as I talked to her more and more about my sexuality in general. When I talk to her about my feelings for the woman I am seeing now, she'll ask me if I still love her more or if I like her better then my new lady friend. It's like even though she knows I'm gay and she knows she's not, she doesn't want to lose her place as my best friend if I get involved with someone else. I do think it's important for you to find women who are gay, if the only women you are interacting with are straight women you are going to continue to fall for them.
So true! I appreciate the perspective about your friend. Being designated as best friend status is an important role so that makes sense
Zumbaqueen Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, a thousand times. This is what I talked about in another post yesterday, more or less. This is the weekend I am going to a lesbian meetup event and I am going to meet lesbian woman who are at least far enough along in the coming out process to 1) join a lesbian meetup group with their photo; and 2) attend a meetup in a public place with other lesbians. It is so so important to find woman who are lesbian and comfortable with their sexuality. I cannot begin to tell you how tired I am of playing this inner game of looking for signs, i.e. does that intense eye contact mean something, is she trying to tell me she might be lesbian or bi with that hand gesture on my shoulder?, what does that subtle comment really mean?, and on and on and on and on and on. I remember, back in the day, reading a book about woman and how statistically about 50% of women had had thoughts at least some time in their life about having sex with another woman. So, maybe that's just that Kinsey scale at work in certain times of women's lives. But again the number of lesbians is no where near 50% of women. Most of these 50% are straight women anyway just wondering. So, the law of attraction would say that we attract people who mirror what is going on with ourselves. So, in my more questioning days, where I still had a lot of fears, I naturally attracted women who were as uncertain as me, questioning, saying yes, but also saying no. OK, I had to go through that phase, but really, looking back, it was exhausting but necessary, and had its own heartbreaks. Nothing every came of these kinds of friendships, meaning they never turned into a relationship. And then I had a long-term lesbian relationship with someone who truly was lesbian who I met through lesbian friends. So, yesterday, when I had lunch with a coworker who I find attractive, but has already mentioned to me she has an online dating male interest, I just decided to enjoy our time together, not look for those signs that she might be interested in more than friendship, i.e. she immediately paid for lunch, was that a date? She smiled a lot with eye contact, is she attracted to me?, she has a roommate - is she or the roommate gay? She put her hand on my shoulder. She went to the Pride parade, what does that mean? No, no, no, no, no, no. And it was just freeing to not "go there" and just appreciate that this women likes me, has potential to be a good friend, I have not totally come out to her but have strongly hinted, know she is open minded anyway and I will in the right situation. (Lunch in a noisy place, was not the right setting), is interested in what I am doing even outside of work, and I appreciate this for what this is. Maybe I just have to set a precedent in my own journey to authenticity to just not engage with any woman with any thoughts of a relationship unless I am really clear within myself she is lesbian, based on how she lives her life, her statements about how she is, how she spends her time, and her relationship history with woman.
I think l should print out this post and read it out loud to myself every morning! How true! Thank you Rvnt. Leb10, l think there is a good possibility that your friend likes you more than just a friend, and here is exactly where things can get dangerous. If she knows about your sexuality, and she crosses the boundry of friendship, even a little bit, then l think it is her who is damaging the friendship, not you. She should understand that it can hurt you. If she doesn't understand, l think you should somehow make her understand. I have been there a couple of times. It seems that l have a quality that is interesting for those confused straight people, and l hate that whatever quality in me. It is actually very flattering and very tempting to be praised by them, but it comes at price. They can drag you all the way down to their confused state of mind, and once they can no longer handle their confusion, they pick the easy way out. I don't blame them, as for them there always exist an easy way out that does not exist for us. So it is up to us to be more careful and not to let them find it entertaining to play with our feelings.
Sonata, I never thought of this in this way, how her crossing the boundary of friendship is damaging to the friendship. But it really is. And, in reality, they are playing with our feelings. And, yes, I guess it is entertaining to them. The solution is good boundaries. Thank you, so much, for your post.
Thank you so much for that insight @Rvnt and @Sonata! It stopped me cold to be honest with you all. I need to think about all of this for a while. Maybe I'm just exaggerating some of it and looking too much into the situation. Regardless everything seems a little more real and I'm kinda freaking out right now. If she is interested in me, I am officially at a loss going forward for making new friends. Does everyone have an agenda?
This is so hard and I am totally going through the same thing! It's a bummer she's been a friend of yours and you are afraid of ruining that friendship because of the developing crush. I do think that until accepting that nothing would ever happen, the crush could remain. Likely you are just reading into eye contact (I do the same thing). If she is flirting with you, then I agree with others that is not fair. For now I would just try assume that nothing has changed from her end. I am still obsessed with my new friend, but I have been since the day I met her. It's been so hard for me to meet new people, and I am excited to finally have a friend I have things in common with but of course I have this huge crush on her. I too get scared that I will never be able to form normal friendships again. Female friends are important to me and I'd hate to think that there will always be this added complication. I think that once meeting lesbian women it will be easier for us to compartmentalize feelings and remain just friends with straight women. I sure hope so!!
That is true. I like the way you put it. We need to compartmentalize our feelings. Once you start looking for a serious relationship, your friendships get a better shape. It will make it clear both for you and your female friend where you stand. In addition to that, it would be a good idea to expand the circle of good friends. Being constantly in close contact with one person creates the sense of strong attachment. I understand how important it is to have a couple of good and supportive friends. But you don't need to receive all of that support from only one person. @leb10, I did not really mean you should cut everything with her. I just said if it is getting too steamy, slow it down. In fact, this way you make sure that you will not lose her and she will not lose you. As l said above, it is so important to have good friends, sometimes more important than having a romantic relationship. All you need to do is to set the boundries more clearly. I know how hard it is to do it now when you have feelings for her, but once you start doing that, the feelings will soften.
Hi Leb10 Thanks for posting, I can relate to this. I've had this type of relationship with a straight friend in the past. I think its hard when you are close and there is an emotional connection. I think Sonata is right though, she shouldn't be crossing the boundary of friendship, especially knowing what you have been through. Having said that, its very possible there is something more there but it doesn't mean she will ever do anything about it. With my straight friend I think my feelings eventually faded for her when I started a new relationship and we are still friends although maybe not as close as we once were. As an aside this type of thing actually happened to me with a lesbian friend although we were both in serious relationships. There was lots of eye contact, touching, flirting but it never went anywhere. I really liked her and still feel confused by her actions. I guess some women just like the attention?
@Findingmyself1 I was just thinking yesterday about how there's almost an internal switch that controls emotional commitment and when one feels less commited, others subtlety pick up on it and that can get you in trouble if you're not ready. Yesterday kinda woke me up from day dream land. I really need to have a successful friendship. I need to make sure it stays there. Thanks for you comments - hope things continue to go well with your new friend @Sonata my response was mostly one of being stunned. I'm not going to end the friendship, but I do need to make sure that I'm not sending out confusing signals either. We've been friends for four years, I'm not going to let the past two months wreck that. I think I got freaked out because it seemed really real, very suddenly when I thought about a few other things. Now, I have a better perspective on the whole picture. I appreciate your and the other posters insights. I'm also glad to know my instincts weren't off. @dirtyshirt84 Women are such emotional creatures that in some ways friendship is like dating with the slow progression of personal disclosure and connection. Agreed that some are just flirty too! For me, it's been tough in the past to not get confused. I'm hoping now that I know I'm gay, the friendship won't be sabotaged. Thanks for your comments.
@Rvnt I've been thinking about that laws of attraction bit in your comment and I feel like it's so true and explains a few bouts of confusion I've had over the years. Thanks for that insight!
You are welcome. And today is my get together with the lesbian meetup. First lesbian meetup in about a year. Compared to my participation in this over a year ago with several events with this group, I think I am emotionally in a much better place, am more out, am not hooked into trying to make something happen with the unavailable coworker, and am giving thought to mistakes made at the last event, same type of event. Better boundaries. I spent way too much time taking with this woman who just had such bad boundaries she even told he her family abuse issues. No, No No. I went too early, things do not really get going until later in the day. And, from another event with that group, I have been carrying the rude comments of this woman who was all over me for not meeting more people, treating me like a child. Need to finally take some time to release this before i go. I can certainly avoid her if she is there, and will make sure I situate myself in such a way that I can talk with a number of people, not have one person drain my attention.
