Thoughts about dating

I'm still in love with my 100% unavailable Catalyst. I normally see her a few times a week for work which while slightly painful is something I look forward to with that sort of irrational hope that can be so hard to give up, especially when things can't progress in any normal way. I think it would help me to get a perspective if I could get to know her better. But I can't. Now I won't see her until September and I'm feeling in a pro-active mood. Don't want to spend another month pining and remembering her voice, her eyes etc etc etc. I have no experience with women and still describe myself as questioning. Falling for someone unavailable is a good way to not really face it. So maybe I could make an effort to face it?

Yesterday I finally had the conversation that I've been building up to with my husband. We still live together but have been separated for a few years. For a long time dating was the last thing on my mind but for the last about half a year, since I've started questioning, I've been thinking about it. He hasn't been involved with anyone so far either so I wanted to know where we stand on this. Basically, he said he couldn't care less if I date someone. So the marriage is officially open. Now what do I do?

I tend to take everything very seriously so something like a hook up is a foreign concept and I couldn't do that. Even before marriage I never really dated. Had Also as a married woman with a small child, who's in love with someone else and doesn't even know for sure if she's attracted to women beyond the one - what can I really offer anyone? Seems totally the wrong place to date from. I guess I need to just dive in without overthinking, have some fun, don't worry etc... so hard to do.

It helped to write this down so thanks for reading. If anyone relates or has any advice I'd love to hear it.

 

Thanks, RJay. I still follow your epic thread, just don't know what to say most of the time. In fact I think it was what somebody suggested to you, to distract yourself from V by making more LGBT friends and contacts, that got me thinking about this dating thing again.

silverhalo, that is very good advice and I have done some of that. Joined some groups that are not specifically LGBT but one that happens to have several out gay members (the first openly non-straight friends I've ever made!) and I was able to come out to some of them. That is all good progress for me because I used to be quite isolated, especially when my daughter was little. There was one lesbian woman I met in the group that I met up with a few times but we had a disagreement which could have had something to do with her wanting something else from the friendship than I did... So having done a bit of that (and I continue to look for more possible meetups) I was just thinking dating could be the next thing to try.

 

Peterpangirl, that sounds good and just what I think I'd like with someone. Gives me hope and I might just try it. Unless the trolls knock my confidence too much... But it could be worth it even for the experience. Honest but upbeat... I wonder how honest would you go? Saying I'm new to this and don't know what label fits?

 

Well, I've gone and done it. Set up a profile and got in touch with several women I liked. There seem to be people out there looking mainly for friends and see where it leads, which sounds good to me too. And I've come across women who say openly they are late in life lesbians and exploring that for the first time. So far it's an interesting experience and usefully distracting me from missing her.

 

My thoughts exactly.

I must say this has been so effective in filling my head with conversations with other people that the space for the catalyst has shrunk. At least for now. It's also a very future-oriented thing, which is what I needed.

And another important step for me. Maybe for the first time ever I'm meeting new people while being unapologetically me. Not just to do with sexuality but everything, the way I talk, my non mainstream interests... I'm so used to 'toning myself down' so that I'm not 'too much'. This feels good. And seeing that it actually attracts women who I have something in common with. Sounds obvious but as with everything it's different knowing the theory and living it

 

Feeling less optimistic today. The dating site is a distraction and the positives I mentioned above are true but it's not a way to get over the catalyst. After talking to a few women online I have uncomfortable thoughts comparing them to her. My heart is clearly elsewhere...

I was thinking that if I got to know her better I might feel differently about her. Given that it's not really possible IRL I've read some writing she's published. Shouldn't have done that because it had the opposite effect.

I might as well allow the feelings to happen - being in love with her, missing her, probably idealizing her... Maybe there's some point to it all. Maybe I'm not even gay, maybe it's just her.

 

Thank you, Silverhalo. I'm at the stage where any faults she may have are either invisible or forgiven. The biggest fault is her being unavailable, I guess. If there was a chance to get to know her better I'm sure my opinion would be a lot more realistic.

 

I don't know her orientation. She had children with a man but is very LGBT friendly. Could be bi. Or just straight and open minded.

Maybe these things have to take their course. Surely it's not possible to have feelings for an unavailable person forever... Or is it?

 

It's hard to tell. Recently I've come to doubt everything... what do I even know about attraction. I thought I was in love with my husband but maybe it wasn't that. I was in love with my best girl friend as a child but... was it love then? Girls sometimes have close friendships and it doesn't mean anything. I thought I had crushes on men, sometimes... or maybe they just made me nervous. I fancied one or two women in my life but was that a crush? What is this that I feel about her now? Is that a crush? I'm... confused. Thank you for talking, you're very kind.