The fears of possible future divorce

To some extent, I'm living it and it's been decided for me (i.e. other problems changed things before I could). I went from full time stay at home mom to seeing my kids once a week. I won't pretend it's not agonizing. But I can also say that while I'm feeling that, I'm also feeling that I'm the happiest and most settled I've been for a long time, and part of that is acknowledging my sexuality.

 

I lived those exact fears for years, stayed in an unhappy marriage because of them. I split with my husband at the start of the year, nothing to do with my sexuality and it was out of the blue, a regular fight that ended with me pulling the pin.
I always thought about how i wanted to be financially secure before i made the move to separate, and a host of other things i wanted to get in order etc etc but i have come to realise that there are always reasons not to break up. There is never going to be a perfect time that's suddenly going to appear and everything lines up perfectly. There are always going to be reasons to stay, stay in the safety of the relationship where you know what's what. The fear of the unknown is the worst.
I'm glad that we had that fight, I'm glad i found the courage to end it then and there. Sure, it may not be easy, but you can find a way to make things work.
I say all this knowing how difficult it is, and i truly empathise with you, but know that it is possible.

Good luck.

 

I know you're looking through people who have been through it, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm where you're at (and glad to know I'm not alone).

I've chosen to stay in until I finish a course I'm enrolled in because I doubt I would be able to handle the beginnings of separation plus studies. 'IAmHere' makes a good point, too. There are always reasons to stay. Remember that growth is uncomfortable because you're reaching toward new spaces.

What keeps me motivated is my son, and the freedom that will come with living in harmony with my sexuality.

 

Hi Finding-I think I am Here put it really well, there WILL always be a reason to stay in safety, to maintain the status quo (even if the status quo is unfulfilling or not working.) Fear of the unknown is the worst!

Much more simple example but we see people do this in regards to their career/jobs all the time. They hate the job, it doesn't fulfill them, not using their skills, don't feel like it fits, constant complaints of how draining it is and on and on. IAnd yet they stay. And stay. And usually (my friend is one of these job-haters!) they cite, 'well, it's too hard to leave and start again,' 'what if I don't like the new job either?,' And then come the justifications. 'Well I guess I do get paid pretty good,' and the common, 'I guess it's not SO bad, I mean I do get two weeks vacation, I have to stay really. I'd rather be a graphic designer, that's my passion, but the pay isn't as good, I better just stay.' And the years go by.

The unknown is so scary. I do think though as long as we are living with a way that aligns with our soul, in the way that deeply feels right, everything will (eventually) fall into place. Certainly doesn't mean it will be easy.

Hope you don't mind if I share a bit of my story. I got divorced several years ago. Despite KNOWING that divorce was the right thing, our marriage was broken, I was unhappy and stressed every single day. Still, I tried to maintain that status quo for quite a while justifying doing so in a bunch of ways. We did get divorced--had to get rid of the house--all that. I moved into a one bedroom apartment, would come out as a lesbian a few years later, started really WORKING in therapy, had a wonderful relationship with a woman I will always be grateful for. And through all of that there has been so much GOOD, and many many tears. But tons of learning about me. Big difference is I feel 'settled' in my soul. Financially it's always better with two than one. And practically one of my whole paychecks each month goes to rent. I drive a 2005 Honda Accord. I work in social services so we're not talking big bucks here! But deep inside I feel good and 'right'.

I do have to say though that I don't have children, which I know makes your situation quite different, and one I certainly have no experience with! But I know many people on this site do!

Take care, I think you are on the right track here, doesn't mean it isn't scary. I know it is!

'The greatest mistake you can make in life is fearing you will make one.'

 

This is me too. I've been not very successfully self employed and then a SAHM for a very long time. It's scary and I don't even know where to start doing something about being basically unemployable. I'm taking small steps but the sense of direction is still missing. If we divorced as it is, my daughter's lifestyle would change dramatically.

 

Same situation, very comfortable financially and I have a daughter. Even though I want to leave, I keep getting hung up on my lifestyle changing.

 

Hi thought I would weigh in, I am the wayward spouse , my wife found out last year that I had been sleeping with guys for years obviously behind her back. Needless to say she always said one cheat and we are done as monogamy was so important to her. She does not work , just got out last kid through college with her masters so we are done with that. And we are still together and actually improving weekly in re finding ourselves together . That being said from day one I don't believe either wanted a divorce but I have been very clear that if she or we end up divorced I want leave her in a lurch fincancially , at least moenywise. I feel the reasons we have made it to this point 10'months past dday is we actually get along great never fight ever , have similar interests , love to travel together, have great group of friends and we both love our respective families and of course our kids . So for us the "grief to gratitude " ratio just is too great to divorce . I say that all with the knowledge we still
Could end up there as my sexuality is very real (I call myself not straight as don't love to fall into a societial prescribed gay or bi label). But we are working togehter and end goal is happiness. I tell this story because to me happiness and I mean personal happiness must be the goal or else misery will creep in and who the hell wants to be miserable money or no money . Good luck all

 

I think it's so easy to be scared because we worry that we think the grass is greener on the other side and that we will get over there to find it is plastic or a bog. But sometimes it really is greener.

 

Hahahahahaha! I do this!!!! I keep looking at attractive looking men and think about stuff I think about with my colleague, like looking at their necks and seeing if it affects me in any way. Nothing ever happens other than a slight nauseous feeling! I then actually laugh out loud because I feel silly trying to see if I can fancy men, just in case I've made a mistake and I'm not lesbian after all. I did make the mistake about men all these years after all!!! But with the passing of each day more and more happens and I remember more and more that just confirms it over and over. LOL

Going back to financial security you're talking about. One of the reasons I never left my husband is that I didn't work and had no money. But eventually I just jumped, I had to for my own sanity. It was horrendous for a while, but eventually it all worked out. I also went back to college the same time i left him (because I'm bonkers, obviously!) which made things even more stressful, but it's all been worth it. I'm still poor financially, but so much richer in other ways. Got a nice little job, qualifications and properly good things are starting to happen now. Totally worth the awful times during and after the split.

 

Hey @Findingmyself1 I go down that general mental spiral at least once a day. It's sucks so hard. I'm glad you're able to think around it a bit but sometimes it does make you question what you think you can live with and if you really want change.

I too have found that I'm looking more at women. I'd say almost exclusively. It's so much easier to imagine things with them. I never looked at men and thought about intimate things. But now, it definitely happens. Particularly with some two of my very attractive coworkers which freaks me out but is also reassuring? Ahhh... this stuff is so distracting! I was thinking about all the freckles on one of their shoulders for most of the afternoon...

 

Hmmm...sounds like you already took a big risk in your life (a couple actually!), because where you were at just didn't feel right. A cushy job with a lifetime of financial security sounds pretty good...though a lifetime in a career that is soul-sapping sure doesn't! You did all the schooling and hard work to become a teacher, and you were taking a big risk, there was no guarantee you would love being a teacher; you just had the faith that the path seemed right. And this seems to have proven to be a soul-lifting investment in you! I don't sense you have any regrets.

I'm not saying what you are going through right now is like a career move, not at all! (You ARE dealing with a lot and there is no timetable on figuring all of this out.) But in a similar way I do think that the right path for you (whatever that ultimately is) will reveal itself with certainty, and you will be able to walk down that path with the faith that it's the right one.

PS: Haha! The freckles on the coworkers shoulders....I get it! I find a woman's shoulders so sexy (freckles or not!). I'm hoping the T-back tank never goes out of style!

 

That's funny, I do that too. And yes, the reaction to women is quite different. All the talk of necks and shoulders... I thought it was just me So beautiful. I love a strong back too

More seriously, though, it's an inspiration to read about those in this thread who made the leap to independence in some way. I hope I find the courage and direction eventually. Moonsparkle, you put it so well about taking the risk and trusting the path is right.

 

I did this with too!I would look for 'hot' women and hoped one caused me to get aroused and it would 'prove' I wasn't gay. I also rationalized since I didn't want to jump on every guy on the street I must not be gay.

Before I came out here I had fantasies or could 'get off' thinking about or being with a woman. When I accepted that I was gay and realized the feeling of intensity was a 100X more powerful than what I felt about women, my interest in women faded to nothing.I realized that I was getting aroused through women not with them as I do with other men.