Trans in denial or delusional?

Hello to anyone reading this! I'm Nick, and I'm new here. Disclaimer; this post will probably be quite long, so if you don't feel like reading several paragraphs of information than by all means, don't read this.

I'm 15 and AFAB. I've always felt like there was something strange about me that made me different from everyone one else, as if I was holding some kind of terrible secret, but I was never able to pinpoint what this was. I've always been a "tomboy" since I was very young; I hated toys labeled "for girls", the majority of my friends were male and many of my hobbies were typically "masculine". Before hitting puberty, I remember being proud of the fact that I was taller, more muscular and hairier (Thanks Italian genes) than all of the boys my age and would usually go and flaunt this to tease them. Once puberty had kicked in, I would often get uncormfortable and frustrated about having breasts (large ones at that). I distinctly remember one time where a very artificial girl came up to me and told me how jealous she was that I had such big boobs and a big butt. I was horribly confused as to why she'd by jealous and angrily told her that I would switch with her if I could (she had little to no curves).

Around seventh grade, when I started to more prominently feel a discomfort with my appearance, I made the decision to chop off all of my hair. I'd wanted to do that since fourth grade, and it boosted my confidence significantly. In eighth grade me, my grandma and my aunt went shopping for dresses since I was starting to become a "woman". When I brought it up recently, my grandmother recalled that it was very difficult since I hated everything they picked out for me and was constantly self conscious about how much the dresses showcased my breasts. After wearing the dresses a couple of times, I decided to only wear masculine formal and casual attire and cut my hair to look less like a pixie cut and more like a mans hairdo, like I'd originally inteded.

Now cut to the present; I'm going into grade ten, and I feel the disconnect to my body far more prominently. I've already had several discussions with my mother about me questioning my identity after suddenly gaining a huge interest in anything transgender related a little over half a year ago. I don't experience major body dysphoria (or any strong emotion because of my current depressive state) other than a large discomfort with my boobs, slight discomfort with my vagina and disgust at the thought of my body being able to bear children.

Today, as I was visiting Manchester city for the first time with my family, I noticed an ad that said "Sorry not sorry for being a trans guy". I was surprised and delighted to see such an ad since we don't see many of those where I'm from. I also noticed many trans guys and gals and several gay couples, which made me very happy. But at the same time, I began to feel very self conscious at how "queer" I looked.

Once I was in my room, my mind began to wander, and I ended up thinking about my aunt who is lesbian and extremely masculine presenting. Unconsciously, I thought "I wonder if she's a trans guy too?" ("too" in reference to myself). I was startled by this thought, but I simultaneously felt this feeling in my gut start to grow. When I started to imagine what my full name would be as a boy, the feeling in my gut became stronger and my chest became lighter. I started to think about how much I'd love to get T and remove my breasts, how much I'd like to have facial hair, how good it would feel to transition and be addressed by the name I'd chosen. In that moment I was convinced that I was a boy, or something close to being a boy. I was overwhelmed by an undescribable feeling, which was surprising since I hadn't been able to feel any sort of strong emotion for several months now. But after this emotional high doubts and anxiety invaded my thoughts and I slowly regressed into my regular self, and the only feeling left is confusion, emptiness and a bit of lingering feeling in my gut.

I'm very unsure wether I'm in denial of being trans or if I was just deluding myself with fantasies. I'm not trying to find my answers here, just some insight and advice. Seeing my situation from a different point of view could help me in my journey of discovering my identity.

For anyone who's read this far, thanks for suffering through all of that. I appreciate it

 

Thanks for the message, Crisalide!

Funnily enough, before your post I had never actually understood what internalized transphobia was. When I looked it up, I thought it made a lot of sense that that could be the reason why I have so many doubts and anxieties at the mere thought of being trans, even though imagining future scenarios as a boy makes me so happy.

I'm still very lost and trying to figure myself out, but that'll come with time and experimentation, I suppose. I think I'm gonna try getting an appointment with a gender therapist to help me try figuring things out, in the meantime. Thanks again for reading and responding

 

Thanks for the response!

It's good to know I'm not alone in how I'm feeling. It's been awfully scary, not knowing whether my feelings are genuine or not. Plus the depression + anxiety doesn't help at all :/ Lol I'm glad you were able to get a laugh out of all of the confusion. Weird as it sounds, I'm grateful that I took after the Italian side of the family. Seeing hair on my arms, legs, hands and face makes me feel a bit better about myself.

If you ever want to chat about confusing gender stuff feel free to PM me