Is there really any fix for internalised homophobia?

I think therapy is the key to dealing with all of this shame and distress and I totally understand how daunting and downright scary the idea of being vulnerable feels. It doesn't come easy to many people actually.

It's important to remember that therapy takes many forms though and it's not necessarily the case that you just sit there and attempt to tell all. If you're honest and tell the therapist what you told us about the barriers and blockades to talking, he/she may explore a different approach that might help you to open up. Hypnosis may be an option, but there may be other approaches.

Obviously, the idea isn't to "fix" something that isn't actually broken [your sexuality]. The idea of therapy is to change the thought patterns and responses that make it a struggle. Would you be able to make an initial appointment to sketch out the basic details and talk about the problems you have with talking? At the very least, give it a try.

 

I think one of my first questions would be are you friends and family homophobic?

 

Mattblack:

What do u want?
What do u want to do about this issue?
What do u want in terms of relationship & intimacy?

I think you'd get better feedback if u revealed your relationship / sexuality history.

What do u mean that "being gay is a step too far"?

 

I think you need to recognize that this internalized homophobia is a collection of thoughts about yourself that you have taken in from others, our thoughts can be changed, and we can ultimately have a different outlook on life. And....be free of the crippling effects of internalized homophobia.

I am not a big reader, but several books are currently helpful to me. Right now I am taking a look at: Outing Yourself: How to Come Out to Your Family, Friends & Coworkers, which starts off discussing internalized homophobia and offers step by step help. Another one, though more like a textbook: Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay & Lesbian Lives. When I browse Amazon, there are many options there.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you have written. One of the problems with a blanket term like "internalized homophobia" is that it does not really depict the nuances of your particular struggles; instead it suggests that your struggles can be fixed by simply removing the "infection" of internalized homophobia. I think that each of our struggles are composed of both real concerns (for example, the recently well documented reality of the loneliness of many gay men's lives), as well as mere apprehensions that are perhaps not as real (such as imagining that your family will reject you when in fact you can't know how they will respond and it might be very positive). The problem with a lot of psychotherapy is that many practitioners take the former less-nuanced (but politically correct) approach and when you don't figuratively throw off the shackles of your internalized homophobia in a moment of high drama (what I like to call an "Oprah moment") they basically give up and can't deal with human complexity. So I agree with you that psychotherapy is often a useless dud in dealing with problems. One alternative approach is to explore gay life discretely on your own and as you continually think about how what you are experiencing fits with who you are and what parts being gay you like and don't like. Over time you can then develop your own set of expectations and values to replace your "internalized homophobia."

 

Thank you, thank you, justaguyinsf. for saying a number things I've thought for some time. I feel like telling someone who is gay and scared of the ramifications of coming out that they suffer from "internalized homophobia" is about as useful as telling someone who weighs 500 lbs. that they suffer from morbid obesity. The condition itself isn't really the problem. You have to look at all the factors that feed into it and address them.

If you want to lose some of that 500 lbs., you have to identify basic things like what triggers you to overeat, how to subtly train yourself to move more or take smaller portions, and maybe work on the stressors that lead you to the snacks or whatever. Dealing with the fear of coming out isn't much different. There are many factors that make a person afraid. Upbringing, religious beliefs, fear of the reactions of friends or family or co-workers. Being alone. Those are real concerns, and being afraid of what will happen isn't "internalized homophobia" or any of the latest psychological buzzwords. They are thinks to think about and make sure you can deal with if you have to.

So where does this leave you in particular, mattblack? There's no timeframe and no race. I firmly believe that the more secure you are with who you are as a human being, and the more you understand what makes yourself tick, the easier your coming out experience will be. Look at your insecurities as a person and work on them, because they will still be there whether you're in the closet or on your way out. Consider what you're the most afraid of losing, and what you feel you would be risking if you came out, and how you might be able to lessen the risk. Think about ways you can assert yourself as gay without making waves that you can't handle. For example, I was able to come out to a number of co-workers because my work life and family life really don't intersect at all, so work became my "safety zone". Your experience could be different; if you're a "pull the bandage off" kind of guy, as my partner is, you may want to get it done and face whatever happens, but I had to think things through and have some rudimentary plan in mind. This is about you allowing yourself to BE yourself. In my case, there wasn't really a whole lot of difference.

As far as therapy goes, I'm no expert. I did about 3 sessions with someone to basically get myself past the initial confusion and anxiety, after which we both looked at each other and went, "Ummm, there isn't any reason to continue this, is there?" I used those sessions to help myself realize I was headed in the right direction and talk myself out of a few lingering doubts, and that was all I needed. You may want or need more than that, but what I would advise is first and foremost, work on your fears and weaknesses and anxieties. Those are likely the things holding you back. I wish you well. In the end, you want to come out of this as a stronger person first and foremost, because strength goes a long way to overcoming whatever fears you might have.

 

Hey mattblack ... I hear you and I feel for you.

I'm pretty much in the same/similar spot as you. I'm 58, divorced for a few years (due to other issues), parents dead and gone, three adult kids, self-employed for decades, no other major financial or emotional issues to address. And I've never acted on any of my thoughts or feelings with another guy. In theory, there should be absolutely nothing holding me back from accepting the relatively recent (a few years) realization that I'm gay. But as I've found -- and perhaps you've encountered as well -- there's a HUGE leap to get from theory to reality.

I can't claim to have lots of wisdom, insight or experience in successfully dealing with all of this, but I have learned a few things that work for me and may be helpful for you as well. I agree that "internalized homophobia" simultaneously explains a lot of how I got where I am but provides only modest guidance for how to get someplace else. "Homophobia" is also somewhat of a misnomer. I've long had great admiration and respect for what "out" guys have overcome and opened themselves up to -- it's more envy than fear I have. That fear relates to an overwhelming sense that "I'm not them" and "I can't do this." As a result, I've become a poster boy for learning not to feel anything or feel deserving of anything.

I learned to compensate in other ways. I'm a great dad, and I'm really good at what I do professionally. And for a long time, I told myself that was enough. "Be satisfied with what you have" I've often told myself. But as I've dealt with losing my parents and seeing my kids become adults in recent years, I began to wonder what the rest of my life would look like. That lead to a pretty overwhelming kick in the gut. How could I face living another 20-30 years with no intimate relationship and with no one I can love. So I began to see a therapist I had previously seen to help my youngest kid with some of his own issues.

Believe me, I'm as skeptical and cynical as they come, but therapy has helped. I'm not "fixed" yet and I may never be ... who knows. But I do consider now that it MIGHT be possible for me to come out at some point. The only way I've gotten to this point is to allow myself the luxury of NOT putting a deadline or time frame on this decision. In my first "I'm gay" discussion with the therapist, I made him promise there would be no written records that anyone could stumble upon, even after I'm dead. And I swore to him I would never act on my feelings ... "I'll take this to my grave" is what I told him.

What I've found after 9 months is that it really does help to discuss these feelings and thoughts -- and old recollections going back to childhood -- especially with someone who is "safe." It sounds obvious, but guys like us have lived under such self-imposed control and pressure for so long, that being able to talk openly with someone who is knowledgeable and sympathetic actually helps quite a bit.

The other thing is that when you hear yourself saying things out loud to someone else that are based purely on fear, they become a little bit harder to justify. Yes, I still live with the fact that I can disagree with what I say but am still not yet able to let that go and come out. But I have talked about who I might come out to first and how I might do it. And I've briefly let myself open my mind to the POSSIBILITY that something could be different and more free and more open in my future. To be honest, THAT kind of thinking really boosts my anxiety level right now. So there's still a lot more to be done, But because I've specified no time frame or ultimate goal, I can live with that for now.

Best of luck. I know how hard it is.

 

mattblack ... It's possible to overcome shame and internalized homophobia. I created an EC blog describing what I did - Healing the shame of being gay. Hopefully you will find it useful.

HTH,
SF

 

Mattblack, you haven't really described your problem in a lot of detail, you've only explained what solutions you think might or might not work.

Which makes me think that you're worrying too much about the future, and not the here and now.

Like Tomas has said : what is it that you want? You personally, not others. Don't think about what your family or friends or peers want from you or for you, think about what you want for yourself.

To me, internalized homophobia is when a gay person is thinking too much about how other people will react to finding out the truth about his sexuality. Will they make fun of you? will they insult you? will they barrage you with stereotypes? Will they reject you? Will they treat you as if you are not normal?

You need to get yourself to a stage where you are not worrying about these things. I don't think drugs or medication are the answer. You need to change your way of thinking, and you need to identify what things are causing you to have negative thoughts and feelings so that you can start taking steps to help yourself feel more positive.

 

Reading your post, and everyones responses to follow, comes for me a flow of 'ah ha' moments, those feelings 'its just like that for me too'.

Everything about each of us, about you, about me, about everyone else has its own time and potency, labelled conveniently - if often times uncomfortably - by our deeply engaved thoughts, beliefs and trusts.

One could ask what else is there..?

To allow the clouds (the thoughts...et al) to pass..without need of comment (why scratch the irritation...as difficult as it might seem not to respond to our habits) - and yes more 'dark or fascinating or alluring clouds' will certainly come..and they too will go on their way - simply know, trust the sky is always there... vast, accepting, uncomplicated. The you behind the noise.

It seems coming into ones own truth-space - about 'who I am' is momentus and uneventful all at the same. The span from rejection to acceptance, and all the shades and moods in between, a long and winding path. But we might also ask, is it? Does it have to be that way, or is something, that we construct, and so can we construct afresh.

'I like this..', 'I dont like that..', 'I'm just like that..' 'I dont want to be like this..' 'I need to be like that..' and on and on... It might be said we are a walking talking objection factory, busy believing our own internalised chatter and neurosis'.

Like you I have '....grown up to be naturally cautious and feel that deep need to be 'normal'. It is human nature after all, to be accepted, to feel and be loved. Physical touch the beacon of its demand on us. The opposite - what none of us seeks, regardless of sexuality, faith, politic or whatever persuasion and mix which a person might be or feel or believe at any given moment.

On this, ask why? "I know there's no such thing as a person who is 100% normal?" Who says, where is it written.

Why can we not say 'where I am now, right in this moment, amid the maelstrom or the quiet I am 100% normal, perfect'. What else in this moment, and the next to follow can I be. It is truly not glib to say 'I am what I am'.

The question maybe better asked, to be more beneficial, practical, logical, and as posed above by fellow ECers - might be - who do I want to be next, tommorrow...what hallmarks, qualities, deeply human beauties do I wish to become...

Here I recall that old saying, the past is gone, the future is not here, and the present is a gift... and in that gift is the oportunity to create the future we will surely meet.

Is it not like as a child learning to speak and write.. and now as adults we can. Or to learn the piano, or this or that, mastered to the level that we attain, is it not us or who we were in each pasing moment that did the work to get us here.

And so the question... but being gay (...added by me 'being homosexual or whatever is our hat stand') just feels like a step too far for me...but from where are you stepping? ...Can you be anywhere else but where you are. Would it be worth a try to just 'be' where you are. 'Even if your experiences and inner voice are telling you I am otherwise..." just smile right there and tell them gently kindly - those transient thoughts so real and self righteous - to go have a cup of tea...☺ I'm busy.

On this stand in the corner we hang our hats on called 'homophobia' (and my how I know Ive got my hatstand full of it...) I love what Slowmo wrote : "That fear relates to an overwhelming sense that "I'm not them" and "I can't do this."

Well, who says so...let's face it, look at how many wonderful gay men and women there are in the world, out and about... All sorts of men and women, who do amazing things. Who have walked the path in their own way that you and I walk now...

As Choirboy observed: "There's no timeframe and no race." And ".... the more secure you are with who you are as a human being, and the more you understand what makes yourself tick, the easier your coming out experience will be."

I love this: "Look at your insecurities as a person and work on them, (and remember to say well done 'me' and pat yourself of the back - often...) because they will still be there whether you're in the closet or on your way out (..and outside)."

And as a daily to do list, I'm in:

"Consider what you're the most afraid of losing, and what you feel you would be risking if you came out, and how you might be able to lessen the risk. Think about ways you can assert yourself as gay without making waves that you can't handle." Ta Slowmo.

While as Justaguyinsf suggested so beautifully: "While One alternative approach is to explore gay life discretely on your own (...terms, I've inserted) and as you continually think about how what you are experiencing fits with who you are and what parts being gay you like and don't like. Over time you can then develop your own set of expectations and values to replace your "internalized homophobia."

I see in my own steps, what I have been doing, so like the successes of others here too, if to an unwritten subconscious plan, and slowly slowly it works.

Theres so much to learn about oneself, to unravel. Thats OK, and while it can't be done all at once, it most definitely most assuredly can be done.

Those clouds we each hang our hats on, like negative and self destructive thoughts, are more and more over time as we actively mindfully change our internal coding, just left to pass on by, I dont need to interfer with them. Theres to much good work to do being me.

Bravo to you again and again, and to me and every gay person who has tland is travelling this path.

 

I felt very similar to you. When I came here I was so far repressed I didn't think 'internalized homophobia' was even a real thing. I agree with justaguyinsf that it just became a catchall.
What does it mean to you?

When I first started to honestly face my sexual urges about men, I was terrified and ashamed but the 'breakthrough' came in a surprising way. I one day finally let myself imagine being with a man romantically, I couldn't believe how passionately I felt about it. Being gay no longer became a sex fantasy I was ashamed of, I realized I couldn't only feel romantic intimacy with another man. I was shocked how passionately I wanted a husband compared to how indifferently I thought about 'getting married' and having a wife. I realized for whatever reason this is how I feel intimacy and then I no longer felt ashamed about having gay sex urges I felt that being gay was beautiful.

I am not saying it was easy after that but once I decided and realized this the internal struggle stopped.

 

How beautiful 'findingjoy'...so true. You have described my feelings to a tee...thank you.

 

Do what works for you at your own pace but here you write:

Is it that you're questioning being gay or questioning acceptance of it?
I am not saying your experiences will be mine but the roller coaster and struggle of the questioning and denial phrase were the hardest part of coming out for me and a lot of people here.It can be the hardest emotionally.

Do you have some plan to deal with that?