My best gay friend is dating a guy 41 years younger

Thanks for your advice guys, it's much appreciated.

Rin311: I doubt there's an issue with drugs or financial dependency with the 19 year old, but I think it could be more like the 18 year old you know, the 19 year old is very inexperienced, looking for assurance and acceptance. He doesn't seem to have many (if any) close friends , and isn't very close to his father. My friend admits he hardly knows the teenager , they've not met often, but my friend says it gets better and better.
I really do wonder where it will all go .

Chip: thanks for your explanation. Definitely attachment issues on both sides. It's not grooming from a legal point of view, but I don't get the impression this young man is emotionally very mature , or worldly wise, and so there's a kind of "grooming" going on , however unintended.
My friend is introducing his young friend round his friends in a bid to impress him, and I expect some of them (with the young guy who is eager to "date" him)

I've left it with my friend to let me know if and when he wants me to meet the teenager. I haven't been exactly eager to fix up a meeting though, which is what I feel my friend wants, he's always telling me how people are inviting them both round and how pleased people are for him. I've texted him and told him in person that to let me know when he's ready ........ i think I'm being held at arms length because of my honesty , I've only said I don't want to see him hurt , or in a dysfunctional relationship like his other friend (who is in a 40 year gap same sex marriage) maybe he thinks I'll spoil it for him somehow, but I hope he knows me better than that. I'm not a cruel, or bitchy or complicated person . I know he's very wary of how my own partner would react, but there's no way my partner will trouble himself to meet the pair of them . He's not keen on my friend anyway.

So I worry that I'll lose contact with my friend and if or when this situation goes wrong I can't be supportive . He'll be left with these "yes" people who tbh he doesn't see a great deal of , who will be saying "told you so" behind his back , and who I suspect are only telling him how pleased they are about this "relationship " because it's easier than telling the truth . One gay couple he tells me is so pleased for him, have actually said that the other 40 year age gap won't work. But they're saying this one will?

People disappoint me , but I always try and stand by people . I've been left standing several times though by different people over the years when I've needed help . They have a habit of being busy and disappearing when a bit of support is needed. I don't do that, and I just hope my friend remembers .

 

I thought readers might like an update on this thread , which is why I’m bumping it .

My 60 year old friend is no longer seeing the 19 years old guy . After 5 months and a disastrous holiday to a very gay Spanish resort , they both noticed a difference, apparently. My friend decided the guy was too young (surprise?) and the 19 year old decided to go his own way . My friend thinks he might be seeing someone else. The holiday was spoiled by the very promiscuous gay couple they went with , who were not a good influence on a recently out , and supposedly innocent 19 year old . Bad choices all round by my friend.
I never met the 19 year old, I was about to, but they broke up, which let me off the hook. My friend had introduced him round all his other friends, and told everybody else he was seeing this guy, so he’s a little embarrassed.
My friend is now looking to rekindle our friendship ..... we never exactly fell out, but he cheerfully sidelined me while he was with this youth , seeing other gay couples (mainly elderly ones, and one older/younger couple who they went to Spain with and who have a very promiscuous and dysfunctional relationship) with him . My partner and myself are not part of that group , because we are seen as “not gay enough” . We’re happily quiet and enjoy our relationship.
I’ve seen my friend once since the break up , assured my friend that I don’t do “told you so”, unlike some other of his friends (who actively encouraged his relationship).
My partner won’t see my friend, says he’s using me , but I intend to be there for my friend as best I can . He’s back to square one , and I’m not walking away .
Just thought you’d like an update .

 

Thanks Barbatus , you’re right I think my friend is indeed finding it difficult . He actually said that I’m just about the only constant person in his life. Some of the people he’s been surrounding himself with of late, have proved to be very “flaky”. One couple who he persuaded to accompany him and his new friend to Spain, owe him hundreds of pounds. He’s been trying to cultivate a circle of friends , and has introduced this young guy to them (and others) as his partner . I think it’s possible the youngster was overwhelmed by all this, they are mainly older people.
An old friend of 30 years standing, has not been responding to him on social media since telling him he’s dating a 19 year old.
So it’s not been a good experience , but he’s back on the website where he met thus young guy......!
It’s not over for me though , I’ll find it difficult to get my partner to accept my friend into our home . He really finds it all disreputable .

 

Bartabus , you’re right, my friend is going through a crisis , after turning 60, facing retirement on his own. He has said he’s fed up of playing gooseberry with other couples. He has a few friends , but they’re mostly acquaintances he spends a bit of time with here and there. Then he thinks he’s made good friends, and they let him down badly .
I have a feeling this young lad was just going along with the “relationship” thing, to see what’s out there in the gay world, and after being introduced to my friends “friends” there was nowhere else to go for a young man. Not the most exciting lifestyle a 19 year old aspires to. I also think the youngster may have been up to something with the younger guy from the couple they went to Spain with. That young guy is very promiscuous and manipulative. He’s made passes at other friends (who are part of couples) of my friend.
My friend needs someone in his life, I wish he could find someone........ a bit nearer his own age hopefully .

 

Thanks again Barbatus , he did say he wants to find friends through hobbies such as walking groups , but he’s back on gaydar and some site for older guys to meet younger guys! I told him not to do that again !
I’ve invited him to join me and a friend to go walking , which we regularly do , but I think his main aim is to find a partner through such a group . He’s definitely lonely and getting concerned about it . He seems to want a life partner and a big circle of gay couples to socialise with .
I can’t offer that , as I’ve said before my relationship is “not gay enough” for the circles he’s been moving in , not him who said that btw, he knows I like a quiet life , and he’s appreciated my company in the past .

 

He spent very little time alone with his young boyfriend, always seemed to have some other people lined up (usually gay couples, and one straight couple) to show this guy off to. I think it was a case of “look at me , I can do the couple thing too, AND attract a much younger guy”.

At the end of the day he’s lonely , and basically a nice guy. He’s done himself no favours with this silly escapade, he seems to have lost one straight friend , a family man who wasn’t impressed with the idea of a 60 year old with a 19 year old , plus he’s no longer friends with the dysfunctional couple (with a similar age gap) he went on holiday with . I will be uncomfortable inviting him to my home as my partner didn’t like the situation and feels that he uses me .... I’m sidelined when he’s surrounded by these other people, then he wants to see me when they disappear .

 

He’s been good to me, and good for me . When things became serious between me and my partner, I assured my friend it would not come between us. But I felt he pulled away slightly , and it didn’t help that my partner doesn’t like my friend.
He did get caught up in his relationship and in cultivating friendships with other people , most of who have let him down, some still owing him hundreds of pounds.
I feel he is using me , in a sense, having sidelined me while he cultivates friendships elsewhere , and now expecting me to give him my time now he’s been let down. But I’m not going to say “told you so”, he’s said I’m the only constant in his life . Hopefully he’ll realise that I’m the only one who has been honest with him , and I’ve stood by him. I don’t want to throw our friendship away but it will be different to some extent. I am deeply in love with my partner and he comes first .

 

Thanks again Barbatus, I think my friend does need friends , and I’m not going to walk away or say “told you so”. I’ve been in the situation where I’ve really needed a friend and everyone just walked away , so I’d never do it to others.
I’m seeing him for a walk and lunch on Wednesday , and no doubt a good chat . I’m feeling more settled, thank you , and prepared to give the whole episode time to settle down and hopefully we’ll stay friends .

 

Thanks Barbatus, it really helps to be able to vent my feelings and read your insightful comments.

I had a good walk in the countryside with my friend yesterday , followed by lunch , then we returned to his home for a further chat and a cuppa. I let him talk. , didn’t really offer any further opinions , he knows what I think . He’s very disappointed in the people he tried to befriend lately , and in the 19 year old, who was somewhat led astray by the disreputable youngster from the married gay couple they holidayed with. My friend realises this guy is (in his words) young , he even said he doesn’t want children about , so he’s obviously realised at that age guys are not often mature or developed enough to embark on a serious relationship , which is what my friend wanted.

I’m glad I just stood by and offered communication and support , even though I was reluctant to meet this youngster due to my feeling uncomfortable. I didn’t want to loose my friend . He needs friendship right now (especially since another friend of his has been diagnosed with cancer , which puts a lot into perspective). He’s talking about plans for a short walking holiday in Scotland, next year, which we’ve done for the past few years , so I’ll get round my partner and try to go .

A lesson for me is: step back, be patient , wait , be the friend you’d want others to be .