Hello, I'm a 38 year old male. If I were going to use a word to describe my life up to this point it would be responsible and safe, how many people can say they are 38 and have had one sexual partner? I have recently been questioning my gender and I feel like I am a phony and self obsessed. I feel like a little background maybe useful. I'm sorry this is long. As a child I don't remember wanting to be a girl, but I do remember certain things. Like one time I asked my dad a question while he was trying to fix my bike and he yelled at me for talking like a girl. I was a chubby kid and picked on a lot about my body. I wasn't all that tough and terrible at sports, I was very fearful child and so other boys would call me sissy and stuff like that. But honestly my childhood was very good, I had two parents, lots of family support and in many ways it was wonderful. So I was totally happy playing with legos, toy trucks and stuff like that. I was always very embarrassed of my clothes because my parents got most of them second hand at rummage sales and they were never "cool" but I never had any desire to wear girls clothes, but having no girls in my family I couldn't have anyway. So where things maybe start to get weird is puberty, as all the other boys are getting all excited about the opposite sex I'm finding myself so embarrassed by the thought of anything that has to do with girls that I freeze up. Boys would start talking about anatomy and I would sneak away. My best friend started collecting porn and wanted to show it to me all the time, I remember trying to act like I was excited about it, but honestly I was just embarrassed and wanted him to put it away. I felt zero sexual feelings. What I did seem to relate too was the way that girls acted/felt as I saw on TV, like trying to be the object of one’s desires. I was pretty sure this was wrong. I started getting crushes on girls and wanted them to notice me, I was too embarrassed and frightened to actually do anything except go out of my way trying to be passively noticed, I wanted them to ask me out. I started having dreams while actually asleep about being captured by these girls and turned into one of them. It was around this time I started trying on my Mom's clothes a bit, but finding it very frustrating because I just looked stupid in them. I did find that I much preferred the soft feel of her cotton underwear compared to the harsh rough cotton briefs I had. I also found that I can't say the word panty, I have to force myself to say it, like its a sacred word. So anyway moving on, I hated sports in high school, I was into art and writing, I wanted to be in theater but I was too embarrassed to try out for any of it. I had several friends that were girls, but the relationship was always frustratingly corny like a movie. I would patiently listen to a girl's problems about their screwed up “badboy” boyfriends whatever, try to give them advice, go out of my way for them, then feel like dirt when they talked about how they had got back with their boyfriend. Of course thinking back on it I never gave them any indication I wanted more then to just be their friend because I couldn't seem to figure out how to address it. Met my wife the summer after high school and though we were in the same grade we never talked, we fell in love and dated for 3 years before getting married. We had both felt like outcasts and our shared love was pretty intense. We have never been able to have children which was been the crux of our relationship for the last 15 years. We get along well and love eachother but I have struggled some with intimacy. Often times I have resisted sex for no reason I can comprehend, almost like I’m afraid of it. In 2012 I made this video of myself while with some folks on a bike ride, and I remember looking at a certain expression I made. I thought, that is a girl, it was like a moment of clarity for me, but I pushed the thought out of my mind. See my entire experience with transsexualism at that point was totally negative, something only weirdos and mentally ill people do. I guess a small seed was planted in my mind, because I started looking up stuff about trans and reading about transgender a bit. At the same time it seemed like trans issues were in the news constantly and that the attitudes were starting to change. I was thinking a lot about this stuff and in 2015 my wife talked me into dressing up for Halloween with her. Halloween is another thing I’ve always struggled with, finding it embarrassing and she’s always loved. She helped me with a pirate costume; she got me a girls wig and did some makeup. When I looked at myself in the mirror I had another moment of clarity. I had an awesome time and loved the way I looked, again when I looked at myself I had this weird feeling I was looking at a girl and not myself. It was around this same time that I began having far more regular sex with my wife, and started feeling far less embarrassed about it. I have dabbled a bit with crossdressing the last few years but always kind of tried to fight the urge to do it. Recently I just kind of gave in I went to buy my own bra, my own makeup, and I went to thrift stores and bought some dresses. I actually already bought bikini brief underwear without the goofy flap and wear them all the time. Dressing up felt so liberating, and at the same time I feel like its not healthy. I’m thinking about it too much, losing sleep, being distracted. Last night I went off alone and climbed a hill out in the country that looks down at my town. I put on my dress and just stood there where no one and everyone could see me. I’m worried this is just a sexual thing, that I’m doing myself mental harm, that I just want to be a special snowflake. That I’m a phony, I’m worried that all that is wrong and these feelings will just get stronger. I’m worried my wife will find out. I’m worried.
Before I analyze anything let me ask. 1.) Are you religious or come from a religious background? 2.) Conservative background? Your latter half of your writing is not uncommon. I'm just trying to unpack why these feelings surface now. Answer those first two questions for me then I'll get back to you.
Southern Baptist and church every Sunday. It didn't really make sense to me. I hated going and my Mom stopped making me go when I was 16. I haven't been to church since then. I'm a closet atheist I guess. I don't feel any religious feelings. Super conservative background, like when I was growing up I actually thought it was law that Daddies drove trucks and Mommies drove cars, unless Daddy was also in the car then he drove. Stay at home Mom and my Dad worked 60 hours a week in coal mines growing up.
There are many things we were taught over the years about gender and who did what. Most of it is bull crap. Sometimes we are told things that actually do not make any sense.
I like wearing dresses from time to time. I love my wife. Not sure there is a conflict for me at this point. I can post more later, it just never seemed like a conflict for me.
Well I had feelings since I was like in middle school. I was told I would go to hell for any myriad reasons and that really made me clam up. Some autonomy was gained through college and I started experimenting. But I was too repressed and scared to act. It took me until I was about 30 to actually admit and do something about it. What the catalyst was was I kept telling people I was female online. I felt guilty until I came to the realization that I am female and it wasn't a lie. There are these moments of clarity sometimes. You might have experienced one. Of course you probably need to investigate further because it sometimes takes a lot of struggling to overcome oneself and admit as well as to make sure you aren't just a crossdresser who is happy being male. That's ok too. Nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying you are trans, nor am I saying you aren't. You show signs but only you can tell. And in your heart is the best place to look. Do you feel like a woman?
Thank you for the advice. I was never god fearing, the whole idea of going to hell seemed like a scam to me when I was really young. I asked my Mom when I was little, do you think they just make all this stuff to make people be good? There are times I feel like what I believe a woman should feel like, especially when I'm comfortable and can be myself. I've been putting myself under a microscope lately, I was walking into a store the other day and a male employee was walking by and was kind of looking me over, I straightened my back, lowered my voice an octave and said, "Hows it going man," and I realized that I had a strong need to "out man" this guy, and the more I thought about it the more I wondered if it was a show. I think the key thing for me is that I've never felt there was anything wrong with my body, beyond I'd like it to be fitter, thinner, stuff like that, I've never been depressed about it. You are right I do have a lot of investigation to do.
(hug) A lot of what you wrote resonates with me but what stands out most is the repression of sexuality and gender. First of all, do you identify as a man, this question helped me hold on to and accept the fact that I am trans. I just know that I can't and will never be able to see myself as a man. When I look in the mirror, I see a mask that I can't take off, I feel a deep sense of loss and emptiness. However, I don't see a woman because I don't look like one. Over time I realized that the feeling as if I am wearing a mask and the feeling of loss are signs that I am suffering from gender dysporia. Other manifestations have been feelings of disgust and guilt with being perceived as a man . Before identifying as trans, I identified for a while as asexual. Sex has always been weird and distant. Something that I could never imagine myself doing. However, during my period of identifying as asexual, I felt a huge distance from the community that I found online. In my case, asexuality was closer to a blindness to sexuality, it comes from repression and disconnect. It was a distant and strange idea to have sex and I never really understood it. Part of the reason why I felt like that is that I never really went through puberty oitside of my body changing, I never went through the process of idemtity construction that teenagers go through during puberty. That's when most people adopt a gender identity and begin to feel a sense of self that is built on their perception of themselves and others as male or female. I would suggest to stop viewing your search for answers in terms of being a special snowflake. Questioning your gender identity is a terrifying experience because it is connected with our deepest feeling of self and being. Gender is a core part of who we are and our ability to connect with others through intimacy and feel at home in our body is heavily reliant on having a stable gender identity. I hope you find the answers you are looking for, take your time, this is your journey and only you can decide how to proceed and where to go from here. Much love and hugs, Eveline
Still looking for answers for myself, so I can totally understand the confusion and the feeling of being a 'phony'—I'm 38 too. I think the latter may be due (at least in part) to all the 'stories' around, the testimonies, what the media shows us, etc., because a lot people in them started questioning their gender around puberty. So there's that image of 'teenagers realising they're not male/female, then going on transitioning', and in turn, it kind of feels that whatever happens after you're 25 is 'not real', sort of. As if it's an either/or situation: either you know from very early on you're trans, or you just can't be, period. Same with being gay/lesbian/trans, as if orientation was fixed at puberty and it's just impossible it'll change later. To be honest I didn't use to question myself either. But even though I'm not from a particularly religious or conservative background, when everyone around you is cis and keeps behaving and talking as if you are as well... you feel at unease, but have no frame of comparison to put the finger on what's wrong exactly. I suppose that depending on how much we've repressed the way we feel, it may surface again only much later in life, possibly because circumstances have changed. (A few years ago, when I was living in a small town and doing a job that would've been just impossible if I had come out as non-binary, my circumstances were very different from now, after meeting a lot of LGBTQ+ and poly people, and also working in an environment that is very understanding—we received LGBT t-shirts and flags a few months ago, and I do feel a little warm every time my colleagues call me 'mate', because to me it feels not-female, and I'm glad my boobs and vagina aren't thrown in my face all the time.) So—yep, it deserves to be investigated, if 'being 100% a male' doesn't feel right, it very likely means it's not right. Maybe you're a crossdresser, maybe deep inside you're female? I can't tell. But don't feel like you're a phony and 'it can't happen because I'm too old'. I know what it is to feel like that. It sucks. And, hey, we're too old to keep bothering with the society-imposed crap, come on. XD
Thank you for the words. Thank you that paragraph was exceptionally helpful, when I was in high school I had this joke I told my friends, "I think I'm asexual, one day I'm going to reproduce by budding." I also didn't really develop a male or female gender in puberty, I think I may have felt like I should develop a female gender, but all the societal pressures told me that was wrong, and yet I couldn't really develop a male gender either. I've been there my entire life, continuing down this rabbit hole would be like hitting the reset button on my life and staring over. Honestly there is a part of that which seems thrilling, but so much to lose.
Been reading about Gender Euphoria vs. Gender Dysphoria. My group (Euphoria) is more likely to build a shell around us to hide. The shell creates protection and a buffer between us and society. We will never let our heart be touched by anyone, it goes through this filter first. However, we continue to try to participate in society as a whole, and generally succeed to some extent. The Gender Euphoric are more likely to lie and create a life that everyone is expecting them to be. We create lives over the top of our own life. We hide our true feelings and emotions. This is totally me. I remember reading someone believed that you couldn't experience one without the other, and that makes sense to me, but at the same time I don't feel the dysphoria but I know I have certainly felt euphoria and I have these needs. Driving home from work yesterday I stopped at a thrift store I hadn't been to for a long time to look at dresses. They had this one that I loved but it was to small. I left and feeling really hurt and I couldn't understand why. I was listening to Fresh Air on NPR, it was interview of Al Gore. Please, don't mean to be political here, but as Al Gore spoke with such a grace and respect I couldn't help but think of our current president and I actually started to cry. My emotions were running out of control. I have reason to believe that my testosterone is low and may be getting lower because I recently discovered I have a very low sperm count.
So much of what you have expressed in your posts could have been written by me about my own life... Though the signs were there, even from time to time wearing female clothes much of myself I just denied as being wrong, then in my late 30's I started to feel more pressure to express my female side.. Lots of other twists in life in there but I ended up being a single parent in my early 40's and what I discovered was that really pretty much nothing fit... I like being a Guy but need to and feel deeply comfortable being a Girl too... I'm attracted to Women Sexually, but also really connect to Women to where I think that most of the time I'm not looked at as someone Date-able and I feel like it's because I'm not masculine enough or perhaps I'm too much like them... and I am sexually as I have no desire to be the Man in the bedroom... and I love giving pleasure to the point that in my last LTR my Wife was the man in the bedroom all the time. Sadly that relationship ended for other reasons putting me back to again being a single parent. So currently I'm not looking as I'm in "recovery" mode, but the territory is familiar, I want to date and have a partner, but being with another Man as a Man feels wrong to me (not morally, just that it doesn't feel like me), and it also feels wrong being with a Woman because unless I can find someone that is Ok with me expressing my Female side and Ok with being the Man in the bedroom then it could never work because I can't and won't live a lie (though many do). As for the Euphoria / Dysphoria... I think you can be either or both... think about it, Just because you can be comfortable or feel good expressing one gender it doesn't mean that you have to be uncomfortable in the other... that would be like saying because you like really like a Strawberry shake that you can't enjoy a Vanilla or Chocolate as well!... And I know that I definitely fall into the Euphoric category when expressing my Female side.. Sometimes Sexually, and other times just because if feels good and feels right so I know it's real and not just some sort of kinky sexual thing, and sometimes I do feel Dysphoric about being a Man, though usually not because of being a man physically, but when I am in a male locker room type environment and the Guys being Guys thing sometimes is just totally repulsive. I guess the hardest thing is just being able to give yourself the grace to express both Gender's, and whatever sexuality suits you at the moment and knowing that it's Ok.. Just because you don't fit into any "Model" that doesn't mean that who you are isn't Valid, Just different. I know that for me I sometime forget that (I think we all do sometimes).. but the real truth is that by being able to feel at home being a Man or Woman is really very empowering because not only is there a deep understanding there, but a tremendous amount of power in having the full breadth of both Masculine and Feminine qualities available to you should the situation call for it. And I've also found that sometimes I need to dress, and at other times no desire at all, though I pretty much only wear female underwear and sleep in nighties, and I have also found that I feel much better / well adjusted when I am taking estrogen at below transitioning levels just to put my hormone levels more neutral as I've actually found that for me it felt like like I had a radio station with the volume on high tuned in to static and by taking estrogen (making the ratio of testosterone to estrogen more balanced) I've now been able to turn the volume way down while not killing my ability to enjoy sex. - Please understand I'm not necessarily advocating this as I am doing it on my own and understand and assume the risks, and it works for me, and I'm glad that it seems that finally the medical profession is starting to understand that there's more than just the binary gender model, and for some just matching hormone levels to position on the gender line is appropriate and it's not all about Transitioning. Anyway, Thanks for Posting... and thanks to everyone who's replied.. It's always good to know that there are others who share similar feelings and experiences!
