The plan

My husband and I just had a breakthrough beautiful morning paddle boarding on Lake Tahoe. We independently paddled soaking in the beauty quietly, jumped into the cold water, and experienced our moment of acceptance together. It has been a rough roller coaster this weekend with many tears. I went to bed feeling numb, confused and trapped. How would I ever know? How could I ever explore this without hurting him and risk making the wrong decision? I have been terrified of the possibility of realizing I am not gay and it being too late. Last night I was up thinking about things for a few hours. I suddenly got a warm peaceful rush burning in my chest that made me feel confident that I really am gay.. that this really is my path. We both woke up quiet and hurting with our likely future. That this was all real.

While paddle boarding he suddenly said he was thinking and had a plan if I was okay with it. We should just default decide that 3 months from now we will go on a break. The break will last 3-4 months and we will be free to date. We are under the assumption that we will divorce and we are done. But this would give me time to figure things out and make sure. He needs this assumption to give him closure. I need this closure to make sure this is right. Things feel pure, free, and relaxed. Although I am not positive what will happen, I am confident that if through this period of acceptance I still feel passionate about this after a few months, then it all must be real. I needed out of our crisis and every day roller coaster to give myself freedom to come to terms with things.

I laid there on the paddle board, soaking in the beauty, rocking to the waves, and just said over and over: I am free. I felt so liberated. My husband is letting me go. Now I can relax and make sure I still feel right about this.

 

Thank you all so much ❤️ I feel the love and I am so grateful for all of the support.

Things have been very teary and heartbroken since earlier. He is 100% accepting that we are done though I am still holding onto the possibility of figuring out otherwise. I am still hanging on to hope of us. I was just telling him maybe we shift the mentality to just enjoying each other day by day without any hard expectations of what exactly will happen. But we can set a week of separating if I am still where I am three months from now.

Any advice as to what may be best for us? On one end I wonder if accepting the default of the future will allow for possibility of me realizing it is not right if it isn't meant to be. On the other hand, maybe hanging onto hope and just trying for the best for us will give us me an opportunity to be open. I just wonder if it will be too much of an up and down emotional confusing ride. I just feel like I need to keep an open heart.

 

Thank you @MzMrAlexa. Yes he is an incredible person and we have so much love and respect for each other. It makes it all that much more difficult, but communicating so much throughout the process has been a help through this mess.

 

So interesting, @findingjoy. Yeah the warm peace is almost like a connection to the inner self. Like a soul realization. It's at least the second time that's suddenly happened (the first time started this whole process). I'm not sure how many more signs I will need to fully accept this. It is so incredibly hard to really know! As you said.. just feelings.

 

In case there is any misconception that my husband and I are handling this beautifully and eloquently.. it all is messy and it all sucks. He cries randomly at any point and I hold him, tell him I love him, and feel sucked of all emotion. I feel such a responsibility for his pain. I feel guilt for this all and know all of our families would be devastated. He still tells me in tears all he wants is to take care of me and have another baby or two and live our sweet life. I am ripping this all away from him.

Those are the bad moments. There are also very composed reasonable conversations about our plan and the next few months, but he is still just hurting so much. I am constantly praying and begging for a sign, a slap in the face that this is all wrong if it is not meant to be. This is the path we are wrong and if I don't get some sudden realization soon that I am not gay and all I need is my husband, then it will be too late. It all is just so heart wrenching.

 

Thanks, @LostInDaydreams. It really is a difficult process especially because I care so much about him. If I feel exactly the same way a few months from now, or even a few years from now if I fought through it to stay, no would not be able to. I guess I'm just giving it time to see if anything changes. I still just don't trust myself and my feelings. I still am scared I have just gone crazy or connived myself because I want an out. I know that's dumb and not likely, but I'm so scared of making a mistake.

@Silverbirch I totally agree. Everything I have heard and read, emotions go in waves and doubt is part of the process. I know that if I continue this route the good feelings would eventually outweigh the bad ones. It may take longer for him, but we are both going through our own journeys of grief and self exploration.