Well I don't like being vulnerable, but maybe it will make me feel better a bit. To start off, I've always preferred being alone. It doesn't bother me. Then a few days ago, my boss said something that haunted me. He noticed that I was always sitting by myself, apart from the group. He wondered if I didn't feel accepted. His concern was touching and also..alarming. Immediately, my reaction was to deny anything wrong, that I was happy here. Indeed I was. Even though workload is heavy. I enjoy what I do. People are nice to me. It has been a great experience. Yet I can't see any of them as "friends" nor I expect people want to be friend with me. I see people forming bonds in front of me but I remain uninvolved. Even when I'm being social, I keep an emotional distance, I don't want to get attached. I avoid talking whenever I can. Because I have some free time today, I reflect on why I am the way I am. Growing up, I was a shy kid, but making friends was easy. Then came puberty, things went for the worse. Kids ridiculed me for my soft and quiet demeanour, which in turn made me even more withdrawal. It got even worse in high school. New people, potiential new friends. I tried to be part of the group, tried to act/talk like guys my age. I was rejected. Ah, I really hated those guys for making me feel like the odd one out. And yet when nights came, I dreamed of being friends with them. Then a few years later, same plot, different cast. Some people like to point out my obvious insecurities. They meant well. I tried to change for them. Except, I wasn't a kid anymore, and wasn't as mallable. In the end, it only made me miserable. I still feel less than anyone I've met. Now I've given up on making new connections. I'm tired. I choose loneliness, and that what I get. I live by enjoying whatever small nice things there: nice food, nice weather, nice bed. Just no close friends, or friends for that matter. I accept that I will never get to experience 'caramaderie'. Afterall, I'm no longer care about or interested in any person outside my family. Why would I expect them to think of me? I'm not asking for advice, so despite your good intentions, please refrain from doing that. I want to know if anyone can relate.
I can relate. Like you, I have a habit of keeping an emotional distance from people. And, even in times when I finally connect with someone, it's often not apparent to them. When others become attached to me emotionally, I rarely notice and even when I've been told (Gideon informs me now and then) it's hard for me to grasp that they care. Gideon and I have talked about this in the past and he thinks it is due to a combination of the close bond I have with my twin, and the issues I had with my father growing up. He could be right, but it's not something I particularly worry about. As a not particularly social person, I find that superficial friends aren't worth the "work" you have to put in. I don't need (nor want) a huge circle of friends.
As someone who struggles with people who claims to be my friend, but never communicate unless I initiate a conversation with them, I definitely relate. I'm also left feeling alone, underestimated, and misunderstood. My pets are nicer to me than humans. You don't want advice and that's ok. I don't have any to give, as it's a tough road. But, this road is not traveled alone.
I've always had trouble with friendships. I don't know whether it's my experience with being bullied at school or realising I was gay but I really became quite distrusting of people. I long for friendships but often pull away to protect myself and then regret it. As such there's lots of people I get on really well with (I think I make a good first impression) but I don't make friendships out of it even though I really want to. I think I get a vibe from people which I tend to read too much into and over think, when really I have to remind myself that we're all human and all trying to make it through life. I have a few close friends but it took a long time to form them (I think I'm difficult to get to know) but I really value those friendships and would do anything for them but they now live quite far away from me and I've struggled to make strong friendships since. It takes me ages to put down my barriers and trust people. Sometimes it takes me years, in most cases it never happens. It's interesting that Twist above mentioned about his twin and that bond. I have a twin who is still one of my best friends but we went to different schools and now live in different cities and I really miss that bond and friendship, and partly I really crave that. I've got my husband who's my best friend, but I do really value friendships even if I haven't managed to forge a strong friendship since I met my husband. Currently I have given up on friendships, I'm going with the plan to focus on myself and my own well-being, my own mental health and enjoy my own interests. The theory is if I'm happier and enjoying my own company then when I meet people I'll be in a better state to be friendlier and form friendships. A lot of people are lonely, I'm not going to beat myself up on being lonely and just endeavour to be the best I can be. Not sure it'll work but its what I'm going for and it'll stop me from craving friendships and envying others for having them.
I can relate. My adolescence was similar to yours - I was made fun of by people because of how quiet and awkward I was, and it made me withdraw from people more and more. And there have been people that I admired and wanted to get to know better, but they didn't reciprocate, so I'd end up alone even when I did want to be with someone. These experiences were particularly disheartening because I felt like these people liked me the way I was because they didn't try to talk me into changing or make any observations about my behavior that made me uncomfortable. Except when I tried to give them the opportunity to take our friendship a bit further, it didn't get any where and so it turned out I was not the kind of friend they wanted. I do have friends now, and I meet up with them quite regularly. So I'm sure you will find a social circle eventually that you feel comfortable with. But those feelings I've had in the past of rejection don't go away easily. They do come back and haunt me in quiet moments. It's part of who I am. Don't be afraid to just say "I like being alone". If anyone has a problem with it, that's their problem not yours. Some people hate being their own company and need attention and validation from others, but if you like yourself enough to spend time by yourself, then that's not all bad.
