I've been "officially" dating my girlfriend for about half a year. She's wonderful and fantastic, and I'm like 95% sure I'm in love with her. But I'm having a lot of stupid doubts. I moved a lot as a kid, so I'm not used to friendships lasting, much less relationships. If we don't break up, she's going to be a permanent fixture in my life, which comes with having to adjust my life plans, vague as they are, to fit her in, which is terrifying. The planner part of my brain is coming up with potential future problems that are going to cause us to break up, or reasons why she'll just break up with me at some point. And so when we're apart, I get comfortable with the idea of us breaking up sometime soon. But when I'm with her, I'm just so happy and saying goodbye just for the day is hard. I can't imagine what it'd be like to no longer date her. I think I should tell her how I'm feeling, because communication and all that, but I don't know how to say, "I love you but I'm scared and confused AF." So, yeah. Anyone experienced something similiar or have any advice for me?
Hey. Wouldn't say I feel the same as you but I don't think what you feel is neccesarily that uncommon. It sounds like you like her and are scared that something will go wrong in the future and so your mind is trying to protect you from that hurt and almost make excuses why it won't work. I do think you should talk to her about it you don't have to turn it into a negative thing. How old are you? If you don't want to say exactly you can just give us a bracket.
I'm 20 and she's almost 20. This is both of ours first relationship. Do you know how I should bring it up? I don't want to freak her out.
I agree with silverhalo that it sounds like your mind is trying to protect you from potential stress, anxiety, or rejection. As someone who moved around a lot, I understand feeling like it's only a matter of time before things fall apart for one reason or another because that's been my whole life experience. For me, there's a sense of having no control over my life and relationships because things began and ended based on forces outside of myself. It may help to discuss these issues in detail with a counselor. Tackle them one by one. I think recognizing why you feel the way you do is improtant so you can address it. Respect your feelings of doubt as real and valid, but acknowledge you are also capable of facing life challenges, including rocky times in relationships. Then choose what path to follow, your doubts or your hopes. Choose what part of yourself to feed: fear or confidence. Hard times will come, but trust in yourself that you can handle it and succeed. You have so much power over yourself and the power to bring life, love, and health to your life and relationships so they can survive the hardships. Also really helps to choose to trust your gf over your what-if doubts of her. If you have serious doubts of her character, stableness, or you don't really know her well enough, then maybe you do need to revaluate the relationship. If the doubts are based on hurtful past life experiences recognize she isn't those people. One thing that bothers me though is it sounds like there is this ultimatum that you either break up or become a permanent couple. Why is that? Is it self imposed? Personally, I couldn't make a life long commitment after only six months (depending on history), because I need time to build trust with someone.
It was always in my game plan to move a lot after graduating college. She wants to stick around here. Also, sex really isn't my thing, and I'm nervous that that'll cause problems later on. She knows about it, and she's awesome about it, but who knows what issues that could cause. I don't think she'd be mean about it or anything, because she's amazing, but still. I'm worried about a painful break up. I think if we break up in the next few months, it would be a lot less horrible than if we ended it in a few years. I also don't want to lead her on and hurt her when I could've seen a break up coming. I don't know if that makes sense. And I do trust her. I'm just not used to friendships lasting, either due to moving or just life happening, and this is my first (real) romantic relationship. And I'm not used to someone liking me this much so fast. Usually it takes a year or so, and then we become good friends, and then I move. With her, it was like day one, we clicked. That never happens to me. Thank y'all for your replies and advice!
Ok so for me the biggest thing here is that you are trying to pre empt a painful breakup. Breakups are almost always painful and if you enter every long term relationship worrying about a painful breakup then they are never going to last. Everyone wants to avoid them and I totally get that because of your nomadic history you are not used to this kind of longevity. I suppose my question would be without thinking about it ending do you want to be with her?
Then you have to try (and I know it's difficult) and stop worrying about what might happen if it ends. If that ever happens then deal with it when and if it happens otherwise enjoy what you have.
Update: I told her about what I was thinking and she was like "yeah, I already know that" and it was wonderful. So I think y'all are right. I need to stop making problems that don't exist. I think I need to out-logic the logical side of my brain. Somehow. And take things as they come, not before they come. Thanks for y'all's advice! I really appreciate it.
