I'm in the pining phase right now. Trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about *him* too much.. it's hard tho. He is unlike any man I have come across and I am actually really attracted to every facet of him. That's never happened before! I'm bi, but always liked women more than men.. He has every quality I'm looking for in someone to settle down with. The thing is, in order to have him I have to play my cards very strategically. I have to change my life... I have formulated a plan, and it's the 'long game' type of plan, to entice him and make him mine (insert evil laugh here ha!). The plan will take focus, dedication and keeping a secrets from absolutely everybody in my life. No one can know the lengths I'm willing to go to make this man my future husband. I'm going to delve beep into his religion; study, attend all meetings, participate with church members, ie - invite them over to my house to have tea, play cards/board games, have dinner with them, meet after church for lunch etc.. and ultimately become baptized in his faith. I have to. He is deeply religious and on a path to becoming a spiritual head in his faith. He is passionate and extremely dedicated in this area of his life especially (NOT in a creepy way, I promise! haha). I attend his church already but haven't been in a month. Usually I can barely be bothered to make it twice a month anyway! But I pretty much know the ins and outs. I wish it was going to be easy, but I happen to have had a falling out with God. In fact I have hated him for four years, cursed his name in the most brutal of ways, then refuted his existence, and been quite happy with myself about the whole thing. Just recently I've come to my own understanding and beliefs about God and linked him to nature. That feels good, and right to me. *Oh, did I mention he is a Jehovah's Witness? Soooo, yeah. There's that. If you didn't know, there is homework.. a LOT of homework to being a JW. And this HW is for the rest of my JW life! There are daily Bible readings; chapters! Literature/multiple articles to read and study for meetings that restudy them ( usually 18 to 21 paragraphs), answers to be given in the middle of the congregation about said literature, in front of everyone (no pressure there, folks!), going door to door and preaching 'the truth' to unsuspecting, poor fools that actually open their doors at 9 in the morning on any given day.. (I always feel so sorry about that..and haven't done it in years. Because I believe, "to each their own" and, "Takes all kinds" ... Not JW's!). There are Sunday and Monday meetings in my town that I will have to attend every week. And then there are the three day, 8 hours a day, district assemblies of JW; thousands of them.. all in one place. Good thing I have terrible social anxiety! Especially around JW's, because most of them suuuuuck and are judgmental pricks. Then there are one day, 8 hour conventions. And one week out of the year, every year, a 'circuit overseer' comes to see how your hall is doing and everybody kisses his and his perfect perky wifes ass. ugh. I've dealt with this type of thing on and off my whole life. I was raised to be a JW.. never stuck tho.. but, I believe I can do it. .. I have to. I want him. I know he likes me and I like him. But there is no way he will do anything about it if I don't fit into the well disciplined, JW mold. This game plan will take approximately a year I'm guessing.. Maaaaybe half a year. I have nothing to worry about in terms of him getting with another woman. It's a 1 mile town of 2,000 people. The hall has 50 members, all of which have lived here forever and are already paired up and older. I'm the first new *and single, woman here in years and years and I'm the only available woman in the hall. I also happen to be pretty close to his age. I'm new here. I've only been in the hall for three months. I have a chance to impress him and win his affection and make him feel good about dating me. I can't screw this up. Now you see why I can't tell anyone. Almost anyone would tell me not to change myself for a man. But I'm not changing all that much. Just participating fully in his spiritual life. And this hall is full of wonderful people, shockingly. It's not hard to spend time with them at all. I've already been a JW, on and off, all my life.. If I didn't work towards becoming a 'perfect witness' everyone in the hall would tell him to stay away from me. That I would be bad for his spirituality. Well, I have no intention of persuading him to leave the hall, or stop being the best JW he can be. Nope! I am SO impressed that he is spiritual and dependable and loves his God with all his heart! It's one of the reasons I want him so badly. I just have to get into the swing of things, myself... even if I never truly believe the JW jargon ever. I will make this big change for him, because I want to be happy with him. No one in my life would understand this. You may not either. But I had to tell someone and get it off my chest before diving in. My plan starts this Sunday. Here's hoping.. Deep breath.
I don't really understand what you're doing. If a relationship is to be successful, should it not stand on a foundation of honesty? Is it honest to pretend a religious dedication that you do not really feel? Is it honest to plan and scheme, instead of being honest and open? How cool are JWs with bisexual people? Will you renounce the truth of your sexual orientation in an attempt to win this person? I know that some folks love "the thrill of the chase" more than any particular relationship, but is that thrill worth lying or feigning or misrepresenting yourself?
Of course a relationship needs to be built on honesty. There are so many red flags here, I would not know where to start. There is nothing in this forum that suggests turning one's self inside out to please someone else. Your are most likely being "love bombed" by some guy who is also misrepresenting himself and could be some kind of narcissist. So many of us have had to pretend much of our lives and do not want to live like this anymore. it is so sad to think what this journey will ultimately do to you because I have experienced bits and pieces of what you are experiencing.
Yes red flags all over the place here. You seemed to sense that readers may not understand. And this is true--this 'plan' is hard to understand. Though I do think we can all understand feelings of attraction/love. Religion isn't something you 'use' as a means to an end. If you have to fit a certain mold (especially one that doesn't feel inherently right to you and if you have never believed in the 'jargon' of it all to begin with) to be with someone --this person is not the right person for you. Love is about loving all of someone, not a manufactured version of someone. So from his end if you need to 'do' something and make such a huge change just to be with him--he's not for you. True love doesn't require you to change. A game plan is something to use when remodeling a kitchen. It can be real effective in this. But a scripted year long 'game plan' is unlikely to effective in a hoped for relationship. Essentially what you would be doing is duping him into thinking you are something you aren't. Never ever go against your beliefs and what's in your soul to 'get' someone; don't try to 'make' something resonate with you if it doesn't. Really poor foundation for a relationship. I'm hoping you will rethink this plan. This is a big big world believe me there is someone out there who will love you just for being the real authentic you!
I don't really understand what you are doing either and the replies you have so far sum up my feelings on this too. Whatever you decide to do - be true to yourself, be true to the people you love and be happy.
I've been deeply religious & spiritual all my life, taught Sunday School, & now host Satsangs in my home … however underlying that is the knowledge that what's primary is not what u believe, but how u live your life, treat others, & embody a sense of well being. JW is a cult. It's a belief system, w all the trappings. That's what you're getting into. You're giving your mind to this guy, & some elusive system divorced from reality.
I'm gonna be blunt here because i'm too tired to properly restrain myself. It sounds like you view this man as a possession or an object to be won over, that you can control, rather than someone who is there own person that you want to get to know better and have a real relationship with. I really hope you're exaggerating to be cute or something like that cause i see red flags all over the place.
i agree with MettaButch. my girlfriend is jewish (i was raised with a jewish dad and a christian mom) and she doesn't care that i'm not religious (i prefer the term "jewish" to describe myself) if you want to make this religion a part of your life for your own reasons, not because of a guy, then i say go for it, but you shouldn't have to feel like you have to change parts of yourself to fit into his life. i just don't think it's a good foundation for the solid long-term relationship that you want to have with him. also your signature is "stand in your own truth" and if that does not apply here i don't know what does. but to quote the personalized license plate of a man that goes to the pool i work at, "u do u"
Yeah, I'll have to add my voice to the skeptics here. This does not sound like a good plan to me, at all. This forum is a refuge for people seeking to live their truth after a lifetime of living a lie. Seems like you are going the other way around.
There is very little I can add to this thread as others have already outlined the sheer folly of this scheme that you have contrived. Lots of red flags! I only hope you will take a step back and reflect on our collective wisdom before you launch further into this madness. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you are heading for a big, hard fall if you carry on with all of this.
Thank you all for your imput. As I said, I knew you wouldn't understand. Maybe I can be more open and clear about it so you get it... I used to think JW was a cult. Now I pretty much believe that all organized religion is. A JW man such as this one; how faithful he is and how pure he seems, would be faithful to me and could not leave me just because he felt like it. There are few reasons JW's can devorce. And I like that. We live in a world where HALF of all couples ends in devorce. I'm trying to avoid that so so much. Did no one read that I'm already going to that hall? I was going before I even knew him. And have been a JW on and off my whole life.. remember? Devoting myself to this religion to be with this man doesn't seem all that crazy to me. He is a good man. People in town talk about him in rave reviews. He has and continues to do all he can for the people in the congregation all the time. From mowing yards for free to loaning his car out to people that can't get to the big town over, an hour away. He has given people gas money and food when they didn't have either.. he drives to an elderly woman's house to take her trash out once a week. He is so kind and loving and deserve a devoted woman in his life. I respect Bible principals and the morality these JWs show. And this man is a fine example of an upstanding, moral, diceplined, passionate, kind warm hearted man. I want to have him in my life. I want to grow old with him. .. And the way I see it, this is just the cost of doing business. The payout will be substantial. Please try to see what I'm saying and try to understand that this man is one of a kind and according to the JW Bible principals, he can't leave me whenever he feels like it or we have a fight or have to compromise all the time and he doesnt want that so he just up and leaves. He's not an A hole that will leave me for a subservient 22 year old. He will pretty much have to work things out with me and I him. People so often devorce because times get rocky and it's no fun and they can't see their way to the other side or don't care to. I don't want to marry a faker that is trying to impress me then the moment the ring goes on, boom! He turns into his real A-hole self and never loves me again. I am worthy of him and he I. I treasure this man, and I know he will treasure me. I want to build a life with him and be with him until we are buried next to each other under a cherry tree. Why is it wrong to go to ANY lengths to see that that all happens??
I did read that you are already attending, but you hardly seem committed to it and that sets you apart from the other witnesses to begin with. There's no easy way to say this that doesn’t sound unkind, but what you are proposing is actually rather underhand and conniving. I totally get that he seems like a nice, kind man, but he is operating from a very different place to you and in the end it will tell. I'm sorry, but I just can't see any good coming from this and I would urge you to think it through very carefully.
Ok. I can see that I haven't won you over PatrickUK. You are totally entitled to your opinion. And I have read other posts from you and have always respected your insight. I just don't see another way to end up with him. Can you give me another avenue in which to gain this man as my husband? I'm open to suggestions.
Hmmm.. Just me thinking, but I don't want to make anyone "Mine" nor do I want anyone to try to posses me. Nor do I want to look at someone and think that can change them to what I want or vise versa and lastly though I hope someday to find someone to walk together with down this road of life all the way to end to date my path and my partners have all at some point or for some reason needed to part, and that's Ok if it was meant to be that way. So to me this thought process is foreign and I don't see much joy to come out of it in the long term for either party. No offense meant ~ and the best of luck to you, but I don't see much of a chance for long term happiness if there is not enough natural common ground and mutual attraction in the first place.
But don't you see? HE will be marrying a faker. He will be marrying who someone who starts heavily embracing a religion (yet not fully embracing the jargon of it all) and working a plan because it's the 'cost of doing business' and for the 'substantial payout'. Seems like one of the points that you find attractive about him is that because he is a JW he will never be able to leave you should your plan succeed. (You mention this a few times.) And I get that he is an upstanding citizen and all that. But there are tons of upstanding citizens who mow other peoples lawns, help them out with gas money and on and on. He is not the only the only guy who is kind to others--not by a long shot. And he is not the only man who is spiritual and devout, nor the only man who is loved by the town. And, there are many men of all religions or no religion at all who do not leave their wives for 22 year olds, or at the first second they have a fight with their wives. Most men do not. All I am saying is the guy you are speaking of does not walk on water. I would think about what ELSE you want in life besides just getting this man. Education? A better job? To travel? To master a hobby/skill or sport that brings you joy? To finish a half marathon? To enter a cake baking contest? Doesn't matter what it is as long as it sparks your soul. Why not go after whatever it is that brings YOU joy, independent from a man. Whatever it is--- I am certain there is more you can do with the upcoming year than spend all your energy on this plan! You deserve to be with someone where the relationship organically happens and grows. Really, you do. Not with someone who needs all this effort and planning to even get to!
Hi MoonSparkle. Thank you for sharing your opinion although calling me a faker seemed hurtful and like you wanted to shock me or offend me. .. I'm going to assume none of what I am thinking is correct. I think in the rest of your letter you meant well. I had to laugh about how you said most men don't leave their wives and how more men than I think are loved in their communities and do kind things for others.. I'm in my 30's and have only met perhaps four men in my life I can say fit that description. Men like the one I want to share a life with ARE NOT a dime a dozen.. not by a long shot. Not in my experience and I'm sure not in most people's experiences. If you have found that, I am happy there are so many good men around you. You are very lucky. Buuuut, I tend to think there is no truth in what you said. Sorry. As for hobbies, no. I want to be married. Sure, I bake/cook, keep up on my fav Netflix shows, have tea parties, invite people to dinner, intend to have a board game night with friends very soon.. I go to Shakespear in the park and donate my time at the animal shelter, but it's not enough. I dont want to be alone anymore. I have been for years and I'm over it. I want to share my life with someone. Oh and I've never been dependent on a man. You have that wrong. I still think he is right for me. And running a 5K or baking a pie is little comfort when you know that perhaps the love of your life is sitting across from you at church twice a week and your doing nothing about it. Whatever happened to "All's fair in Love and War?"
An ex JW here, I was born into it but left the "truth" when I was 20. I have 2 very big problems with what you've said: The religion has zero tolerance towards same sex thoughts, desires and actions. Most, if not all members of the congregation are homophobic. How can you possibly join a group which denies such a large part of who you are? You don't respect Jehovah, the witnesses or the cause. If this man is the smart stand out person you've made out, than he will see straight through you. The entire religion is built on morals, which is something you've clearly demonstrated you don't have. I hope for everyone's sake you don't pursue this any further.
I'm going to go against the room on this one .... BB28 was raised to be a JW, so at some level she is reconnecting with her faith to be with this man, which isn't a bad thing per se. BB28 - We both joined EC around the same time, so I'm going to ask if you are going down a path that is aligned with your true self? Only you can judge for yourself, so I'm hoping that you've carefully considered this path. Best SF
Dear Lost4 I respect God. I don't call God Jehovah because I had horrible things happen to me four years ago, and while praying, I never felt he was there for me or answered my desperate and begging prayers. So I came to the conclusion that a God named Jehovah must not care so I hated him.. then I thought he must not be out there. But the God I have come to know recently, is someone who loves me and I him. .. to answer your question having to do with respect. I respect God. I'm not sure why so many in this thread think they know so much about me and that a snap assumption must be right. Let's please all be respectful in this thread, ok? I am being respectful of all of you, am I not? I have always really enjoyed EC and found caring people here. Let's all remember that, please..? An elders wife in my congratulations, she's my friend, has gay neighbors. She tells me they have conversations while watering there yards and she brought over home made chicken soup when one of them was sick once. She told me they were always nice to her and she's glad they are her neighbors. Another sister, also a friend, has a gay 29 year old daughter that lives with her and her father. They have their ups and downs but the sister always talks about her and hopes they can be closer soon because "she's a wonderful person, just a bit highstrung." I would not expect to be treated any differently if I told ppl I'm bi and see nothing wrong with it. This group of JWs is special. The ppl in my congratulation are wonderful, and I said in my first post on this thread. None of them seem to care what you are so long as you are nice to them. And I am. Very much so, because it's a pleasure to be In their company. Again, you had that all wrong and if I gave that impression, I hope ive cleaned that up now. Let me respectfully say, you don't know me. Please don't be mean or hate me. I wouldn't treat any of you that way. And I hate none of you.
Hello SF! How are you? Yes, we did star EC around the same time and it's great to hear from you again. You know, if this isn't the right path for me, I can easily just stop my plan, ya know? If I feel this man isn't worth it or I'm not reconnecting with the JW faith then I will redirect or continue to be unbaptized and just go to meetings for the friendship I so love. Thank you for your brave post and not following the general consensus. LOL <3
