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Gay married man.. how do I do this?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Duck1983, Jul 28, 2017.

  1. Duck1983

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    So here I am, a 33 year old gay man married to a wonderful woman with two beautiful daughters. I feel lost, I feel like I've hurt myself, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
    I accepted the fact that I'm gay, and I've realized that there is no decent way for my life to continue with my wife. I have to come out to her and set her free. We've been married for 9 years and I guess I was in denial convincing myself I was Bi and could make a relationship with a woman work in the long run.

    I know there is never a good time to break someones heart and uproot their entire life. But I'm also worried about the financial implications of coming out too soon. Part of my responsibility as her husband, best friends and father to her children is that I need to protect us as best I can... So do I wait until she gets a job like we had been planning (she's a stay at home mom). We had a promising, yet admittedly low paying job lined up for the end of this year.

    But on another note, how can I keep up this act when I've now come to fully accept that this relationships time is limited? How can I live with the anxiety attacks much longer? How can I keep causing both of us to remain unhappy over uncertainty of money?

    I have an appointment with a counselor, but it is still a good 3 weeks away. I don't know how I can wait. But I also don't know how I can proceed... Any advice is very appreciated.
     
  2. Pole star

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    I really appreciate your effort to be honest with yourself and lead an authentic life. My opinion is that you should come out to your wife now and allow her time to accept the new reality. Does she have any idea at all? You need not separate right away but could do so after she gets the job. But telling her the truth will help you now and your relationship with her in the long run.
     
  3. Duck1983

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    I agree with what you're saying. I don't think waiting is the right move. I do think I'll wait the 3 weeks until I see a counselor first, if in can make it that long. Seemed beneficial, and I really want to do this as smoothly as possible and as clean as possible.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    Have you thought about speaking to a relationship counsellor who might be able to assist both of you in reaching an amicable separation that protects the interests of all concerned? A relationship counsellor may also be able to help you and your wife with individual counselling, where appropriate. If you are interested in this as a way forward, you should speak to the relationship counsellor alone, in the first instance, so you can sketch out the details and then work with him/her to bring your wife into the process.

    Ending a nine year marriage is never easy, but it's somewhat easier with good support. Have a think about it.
     
  5. Duck1983

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    I am going to a counselor middle of next month. Not for both of us, but just for me as I begin this process. I expect that my wife will see her own that she has in the recent past. I also think it will be amicable, but you never know. I've never obviously seen how she reacts in this situation.
     
  6. Questionsabound

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    I am a 33 year old guy and just separated from my wife of 18 months after realizing I was gay. We don't have kids but were planning on it, and I think that triggered me to finally admit I have always been more attracted to men. I am amazed that I repressed this for so long.

    I sympathize with you greatly. I will say, as someone who just went through a year-long, highly intense emotional rollercoaster while battling severe depression and anxiety, I would suggest talking to your wife sooner rather than later. It will be extremely painful and there is no way around it. The fact that you have admitted it to yourself is a major first step. It is difficult to live a happy life everyday when you are constantly thinking about this enormous secret. If you are not happy she is going to notice anyway. You also have to keep your mental and physical health in mind. There were so many times over the last year when I wanted to tell her but would find some excuse to wait.
     
  7. Duck1983

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    Questionsabound... I think you're right. I need to do this sooner rather than later. Part of what I fear is that I'm going to end up doing it before I'm ready, and regret it.
    I'll be honest, there is a wonderful man that I wish I could be with. Meeting him and being his friend (where we both have admittedly strong feelings) has made me feel the need to speed up the inevitable. I don't think it's a bad thing, and regardless it needs to be done. But I so worry that I'm rushing under some notion that I might be with this man. I don't want it to be about that. I want to do this for me, my wife and kids. They will all always be a part of my life, that's the only gaurantee here.
    I don't know, I'm just so confused.
     
  8. TrevinMichael

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    I am staying married. Wife and I are doing okay with the way things are.

    What ever happens I hope you are feeling okay with who you are.
     
  9. Duck1983

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    Thanks man, I do feel okay with who I am, and what I am... A gay man. I'm just not okay with how I ended up here, and what I have to do to fix it. But it is what it is at this point, and I'll have to face it in the near future.

    I'm happy you and your wife are going to stick it out. That sounds great. I wish I could do the same. But I can't. I belong with a man, and I can never give her fully what she deserves, and I know a different man could.
     
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  10. Questionsabound

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    Duck1983, everything you said makes sense. I agree that you should not be doing this because of your feelings about one guy. You might want to get that notion of being with him out of your head altogether as you decide what you want to do about your family, as in the end that guy probably won't be the end-all. Best of luck. I know how truly difficult this is. I suggest seeing a counselor if you are not already.
     
  11. Duck1983

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    Questionsabound, I'm pretty sure I'm doing this for myself and my family. My feelings for him cloud things, so that's why I think the 2.5 weeks until I finally get to meet with my counselor might be a good thing. Although I feel like I'm falling apart mentally (all the anxiety that comes with holding this in while I'm now past the tipping out where it is really going to happen). It does give me time to make sure im not doing it for him (not that he is asking me to, he is supportive, but has never encouraged this... It's 100% on me).
     
  12. TrevinMichael

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    My wife likes women.
     
  13. TrevinMichael

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    It is possible to have close relationships with men and women.

    Later in life my wife wants women now more.

    That does not mean I divorce and move on.

    There are more ways to look at things.

    But what is more important is that you do what is best for both of you.

    Do not assume that what you are thinking on your own is best when in a relationship.

    When you talk to each other you will know more.
     
  14. Duck1983

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    Very good points... I just don't see any way I can pretend I am not gay though much longer. Even when I'm out to her, I feel like I need to experience life as a gay man, which you can't really do with a wife.

    But I do agree that financial, living arrangements, and parental desicions are not mine for the making. Those will have to be a joint effort.
     
  15. TrevinMichael

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    I know you will do what you need to do.

    I am learning more

    and more about what it is I need
    Sounds like you are too.

    I have enough love for all involved.

    Friends and family.
     
  16. PoppyWoppy

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    If you're worried about money what's stopping you from supporting them after coming out as you said she's your best friend and they're your daughters
     
  17. Duck1983

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    I'll definitely support them as best as I can. What I can't afford on my salary is two households. But I can and will make whatever cut backs I need to to make sure my daughters are taken care of, and I'll do my best to help her get on her feet.
     
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  18. PoppyWoppy

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    could you come out and stay in the household especially if your wife already knows and you're still there even if it is just temporary it could be better then staying closeted
     
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  19. wvbear

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    I applaud you to make the move now and not wait like i did. I finally came out to my wife at 55 years old after 20 years of marriage. We are currently separated. It feels weird now. We're trying to stay friends and amiable - but not sure if it will work.
     
  20. Duck1983

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    Well... I did it on Thursday night... It's been an emotional rollercoaster ever since.

    She is hurt and scared for her future, but at the same time feels bad that I have lived with this struggle of identity for basically my whole life. Her feelings change by the hour, but we are both committed to staying the best friends we have always been. I hope that doesn't change.

    In an odd way it brought us closer than we've ever been. I'm still devestated that I've done this to a woman I truly cherish so much. But it is for the best in the long run.

    Currently the plan is to work at paying down debts, getting the house ready for sale, and finding her a career. We're going to remain in the same house for as long as it works out, because financially it is the best move. Hopefully it doesn't inhibit either of our healing process. We do have a spare room that I'm going to move into though, so we'll have our own spaces.
     
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