My best gay friend is dating a guy 41 years younger

Hi Barbatus, the young guy seems very naive, my friend said he finds his (the youngster's) innocence charming (his words). I don't think the older guy is deliberately taking advantage, he's a nice, kind guy who has been a good friend to me ... they met via a web site for older guys looking for younger, and vice versa . So that suggests the youngster might not be as innocent as he seems . He's told my friend he was the first guy he contacted via the site, and he'd never been with any guy before.
They live 2 hours apart and have only actually met twice, but my friend has already booked them a holiday to a very gay European beach resort.
I think my friend is very lonely , he's said he's fed up of being around couples , and hes flattered by the attention of a guy 41 years younger .
The younger guy is either truthfully innocent, and also lonely , and getting carried away by the attention, or at worst a charming liar who is duping my friend.

I've never met the young guy, I'm not sure I want to, I feel so uncomfortable . My partner has said he won't be entertaining and humouring them as a couple..... he doesn't like my friend anyway,

The latest is the youngster has started coming out to his family , they don't yet know that his "partner" is older than his father .

 

Hi again Bartabus, you're right, I've expressed my concerns to my friend (especially referring to HIS friend who has married a guy 40 years younger , and it's not a good marriage, the young guy is constantly on dating apps...). But I've told him I value his friendship, I don't want to see him hurt, and intend to support him . I guess there's nothing else I can do .
I reckon my main problem is that I fear losing him as a friend if I can't see him, either because I'm uncomfortable with being around them both , also because my partner won't see them . I suppose I'll just have to try and see my friend alone .

 

Hi Bartabus , thanks for your reassurance. I see my friend mainly by myself, Ive been a bit annoyed tbh that my partner never made much effort to get along with him, he knows my friend has been good with me. It's difficult to see him now my partner lives with me, and now this relationship has occurred it's given my partner an excuse not to see my friend.

I'm trying to maintain contact , mainly by text messages , so I'm doing my best . But my friend doesn't often return texts , he's very preoccupied with his new boyfriend. I think I'll just get sidelined completely soon.

I agree I've done all I can .

 

Hi Rdougall1, thanks for your reply. It's interesting that as a 21 year old you wouldn't date a 60 year old. I agree it's not healthy for either of them, but I must admit I'd never say " told you so", I'd just let him come to his own conclusion and I'll be there for him. He knows my concerns.

Hi again Bartabus, my partner has made efforts in the past , but is not the most sociable of guys generally, he's very quiet and doesn't much like being around lots of people. I do however, feel he could try a bit more, for my sake... I understand how he feels, I'm much the same as himself , but I try , and I see his family, attend his family events with him etc.

For now I think I'll take your advice and not go on about the age gap, it'll just jeapordise our friendship, I'll just try and maintain contact and be friendly .

 

A bit of an update on things..... my 60 years old friend continues to see his 19 years old boyfriend most weekends (they live 2 hours apart). I've seen my friend just a couple of times for a quick coffee and chat. He's been introducing this boy round his other friends and admits they hardly know much each other , because they haven't had that much time alone . He told me he's concerned that his new friend is eager to please him and never suggests where to go or what he likes to do . I offered the suggestion that this boy is not very worldly wise, hes a bit sheltered and probably doesn't really know what to suggest. He's only 19.
He says I must meet him and I've agreed, I left it with my friend to suggest when and where, but he's never got back to me on that. He asked what my partner thought of the situation , and I must admit I told a little white lie.... I said I didn't know, whereas in fact I know he's appalled . I think my friend is very wary of my partner .
My partner says that if a 60 years old man was "dating" an innocent and naive 19 year old girl, initiating her into sexual practices and the world in general, this could be seen as "grooming".
But I've told my partner I just don't want to lose the friendship I have with my friend, who has also said he doesn't want to lose mine. He's admitted he's been so carried away with his new found friend he's neglected his other friends.
I'm not concerned that I haven't been invited to the gatherings where this teenager has been introduced round , because I'm not comfortable with those people . Too loud and extrovert for my quieter tastes, I think they see me as boring and as one said "not gay enough". I'm sure I've been branded a killjoy , whereas I'm probably the only one being honest . 41 years is a massive age gap.
Nor am I too comfortable at the prospect of meeting my friend and his new friend. But I've told my friend I hope things work out for him (which I do) and I just don't want to see him hurt.
I've said ill meet them both, or if he prefers, just himself . I don't feel I can do any more. I feel to be slowly losing my friend, and I doubt I'll be socialising much with him , but I'm not falling out with him. I'll remain in contact .
I'm lucky to have a partner who I love totally .

 

Hi Barbatus, thanks for your reply, and yes you're right that it's not legally "grooming" but it could be seen as effectively the same thing given the naivety and innocence of this teenager . He doesn't seem able to assert any personality or ideas into the relationship, because I suspect he hasn't developed any. I'm not saying my friend is doing it deliberately, but I do feel uncomfortable that he is unwittingly taking advantage of the situation, but then the boy is an adult at 19.

I doubt very much that the opinions of my partner would be welcomed in that circle of people, it'd just be put down to sour grapes or jealousy. So I'll just have to be content with saying I'm concerned in case my friend gets hurt and leave it at that . I can't see a 41 year age gap going anywhere , the 19 year old will grow up one day I'm sure .

 

Btw apparently the young guy has now come out to his family and they know he's with a 60 year old . I'm told they're being supportive of him .

 

gibson234 : I must be a very strong man then . Plus I have morals .

 

gibson234: if you recognise it as an unwise relationship, why on earth would you go ahead with it , or try to justify it?