I don't know how to act like my preferrred gender

Well with me, i still don't know what i am so take my advice and opinions with a grain of salt. Idk if i'm bigender, genderfluid, or agender yet even if i'm temporarily labelling it bigender. So...my first thought was this. There are plenty of girls out there that like stuff like star wars and fishing. I mean i'm not into star wars but i enjoyed when my dad would take me out fishing on a rare occassion as a kid. I was never into princesses or disney or any of that as a little girl when most girls go through that phase, and to this day i hate dresses and skirts and the idea of wearing one just feels wrong and weird and uncomfortable. And that is totally the first time i have admitted that to myself. I swear i'm not trans, that much i know for sure...but yeah.

My point is, you can like whatever you like. With me giving myself permission to explore and telling myself it was okay to feel or think whatever i was feeling or thinking helped a lot. It helped me admit to myself that i don't like and have never liked my real name, beyond mere 'liking' or 'disliking'. It feels wrong, bad, and all sorts of uncomfortable to be called it. Being called Alex just feels right, and i don't want to be a boy but i don't totally feel like a girl either, and that's about as far as i am in figuring myself out.

But being totally honest, i think the idea of gender roles is soooooo damaging and unrealistic. Fuck gender roles. Growing up, any given person will put on a lot of different hats - child, sibling, spouse, parent, employee, boss, etc - and will be expected to perform a variety of tasks - drive a car, maintain said car, move out into your own place and pay the bills, cook for yourself, etc. So gendering the play - and rooms - of small children who don't even know what they like yet is wrong. Its even forced on small children - kids learn through play, so forcing such expectations on them based on gender is totally unrealistic. Hell even babies nurseries are heavily gendered. One walk through the toy and/or baby department at the store shows you that.

 

In my experience most people don't act like their preferred gender automatically. They act like themselves. Sure, some trans guys have typically masculine interests, and some trans girls have typically feminine interests. But like most people, it's more often a mix.

You may also see trans guys who seem to "automatically" dress masculine, and trans girls who dress more feminine-- it can be because they like that style, but in my experience a big factor is also trying to 'pass', and fit in as your preferred gender. For example as a trans guy, if I wear a dress and don't bind, most people are going to think I'm a girl. I may want to wear a dress, but ultimately I choose to dress in a masculine way, since I want others to recognize me as a guy. It's not necessarily an automatic process.

So considering the above-- it's perfectly fine to be a girl who has more typically "masculine" interests or style of dress. As you've recognized, that doesn't make you any less of a girl-- It sounds to me like you still want a girl's body even if you don't have a super girly personality. Maybe you could try explaining it to your mom in that respect. It's more about your body than your interests. You want to be a girl even though you still like things like Star Wars and fishing. There are lots of girls who like those things, there's no reason you can't be a girl just because you like them.

 

Here's the thing about girls, we can do WHATEVER we want.

I LOVE ice hockey, and football. I drive a pickup, and wear flannel. I'm still a girl, and all I want is for my outside to match. I'm not giving up my interests, and heck no am I selling my truck, I'm driving that thing until it dies. I'll be the cute girl in a dress and knee high leather riding boots, who makes all the boys oogle her AND her truck, and watches sports with them and actually knows what's going on and has an impressive knowledge of the game.

 

I understand and empathise. When I said I wanted to get in touch with my female self, in therapy, my counsellor asked what that looks like - which is interesting. I have two ideas of the kind of woman I am.
I am clear but I am very nervous about putting it into practice.

 

About a month after I had started to come to terms with who I am we were shopping used DVDs and books. Now as a guy I loved adventure movies and I was standing there in the store holding a copy of Jeremiah Johnson with Robert Redford. I'd seen it as a kid and was tempted to get it. I always wanted to live out in the mountains, way out in the middle of nowhere, and I guess that urge has never really gone away. Anyways, as I was standing there I couldn't decide if I should get it or not, you know? I mean, if I identify as a woman that's not really a chic flick. I was about to put it back when I realized that you know what, I can identify as a woman and enjoy watching whatever kind of movie I feel like watching. I'm just one of those girls that likes adventure movies.

Not sure if that helps but just wanted you to know you're not the only one going through this.

 

Haaaaa... my parents said the same thing.

However I don't look at it like I am giving up the things I like. I like beer and violent movies and video games and "traditionally masculine" interests. However I like pretty clothes and shoes and getting dressed up and looking the way I feel. Am I a trans woman bro? Sure. But that's just it. Be who you are.

 

My mom used all my interests against me, so I understand. I frame it like this to people: "If I was CIS would you question my gender based on these interests? No? Then what's your point?"

 

It's how you feel not how you act that makes you female.
My interests are pretty much all on the "stereotypically male" side, but I still see myself as a woman.

 

What reality do your parents think you are trying to escape? If you know that you could try and explain to them why transition isn't an escape from that reality.
For example, you mentioned that you don't fit in and have bad relationship skills. So you might say: You know that being a girl won't help you fit in or improve your relationships with others. (You know it won't help to escape the reality of not fitting in).

You've said this a couple of times, I'm curious if you could explain further?

Do you mean in the sense of, you've tended to dress/act more masculine, and considered yourself male, because everyone expected you to? If that's the case, it could also be something to talk about with your parents..

 

I think a lot of the gendered mannerism comes from (self-)education and not only from "spontaneous tendencies". Even cisgender people learn from their childhood how they could be more feminine or masculine. They too can "fake it 'til you make it".
Some transgender people have tried in the past to act like (or to become! if they're in denial) the gender assigned at birth. When they come out to theirselves, they start slowly separating "the mask from the face", and that's often not simple. The mask can be glued to the face.

If no interest/mannerism/etc seems right or wrong, good. Just do what you like. Just know that society supposes you to act masculine, but you don't have to expect it from yourself anymore. So, if you want and you're safe, you can show the middle finger to society's expectations and start exploring femininity or just androgyny. And you don't need to abandon the interests you already have: don't replace the old mask with another one.

 

The whole 'boys like these things, girls like those things' idea is a lot of crap IMHO. Just look at the gendered toys out there. 'Oooh here's a game to sell vegetables / a toy hoover to clean the house, now you can prepare to meet your husband and make him happy.' 'Ooooh here's Action Man and his big gun, me man, me strong and violent, me Manly Man of Manliness rawr'... Yay. -_-

I know it's not easy if you're surrounded with such expectations, with people who tell you 'girls don't do this', but... try to stay yourself. Your hobbies =/= your gender. I know plenty of women who like Star Wars and some 'male-oriented' activities, while also liking crochet and crafts; it's usually society that makes us feel like we have to conform to its idea of gender. Just like society dictates idiot things like 'video games are for kids, you're an adult now so you need Adult Hobbies'. (To which I often feel like answering, 'like what, getting shit-faced at the club every Friday night and not being able to tell your face from your arse? Yeah I'm going back to spending the evening on Steam games, thankyouverymuch.')