I'm 15 and I know that i'm gay, i am not out to anyone as a lot of my friends are pretty homophobic and i really don't see my family wanting to keep in touch with me if they found out. I hate feeling like i'm lying all the time and like i can't be honest with anybody, especially since romance is such a huge point of conversation at school. I go along with my friends and laugh at their gay jokes, i even called a girl a dyke once and i feel terrible about it. I hate feeling like I have to fit into a certain box because i'm gay like it determines my whole personality and i'm tired of seeing companies use the gay community for money and attention. Sometimes I feel like i'm completely out of options because if I come out i'll lose my friends and family, and if I don't i'll have to lie and feel guilty for the rest of my life. There's probably not much advice to give here but I had to get all of this out somewhere, i'm starting to feel completely hopeless.
It honestly gets better. You are still very young and I felt the same at that age. It matters far less in college, especially when you become independent from parents. I agree with you on the personality thing! I don't act like a typical gay person at all, almost like a straight person who doesn't like the opposite sex.
It gets better. I was like that for years, but even more miserable cause i didn't understand that i was gay and it was okay cause i'm surrounded by a homophobic family. Totally honest, I was gonna kill myself and then i got my first job - at Walmart, but it was a job and i really needed a job. That place played a huge part in helping me get where i am today. I learned how to actually interact with people (cause my only foundation was my narcissistic angry mother), i learned that i can do good work (cause mom only ever tore me down), and more importantly i felt accepted for just being me. If i was upset and not acting happy with customers, a superisor didn't just yell at me or tear me down like mom would, they would ask hey what's up are you okay. And i'd never had that before. Apparently walmart has a nondescrimination policy that includes sexual orientation and gender identity and reading that made me feel so happy and proud. So yeah, my point is i'm glad i stuck it out. I didn't kill myself that night because i wasn't alone - i was talking to a band member online. But the reason i've been able to recover a bit was because of the people I've found at work and the little boy i used to babysit. SO yeah a bit extreme but that's my example.
You say you hate being gay, but it really sounds like you are more depressed about struggling to be an openly gay person in a hostile environment. Maybe what you really hate is the intolerant attitudes that make it difficult to be yourself. At the moment you are 15 and if I rewind 25 years to when I was 15 I remember what it was like. I thought I would never come out or come to terms with being gay. I thought I would always be trapped in the closet; never coming out to family or friends, but that's not how life turned out. Today I am out to almost everyone who needs to know or wants to know and I honestly don't give a stuff if people don't like it. According to your profile you live in Poland (part of the EU), so you have opportunities to look beyond the borders of your own country in the future and maybe seek work and love elsewhere, using freedom of movement. Have you thought about that? Besides your sexuality, what are your hopes and dreams? What do you want to do in the future and how might you get there? Think outside the box (or the closet) and put your effort into achieving all that you hope and dream for. See it as part of your coming out journey and the key to a better, happier future surrounded be a person/s you love. Look at it in these terms and you may feel more hopeful.
Thanks for replying, I am going to try looking towards the future and hoping that things will become clearer and easier. Also me and my family have been living in England the past few years and I know that in general it's an accepting country, so maybe I could find a healthier environment and friends if I change schools for sixth form, or in university.
Seriously, people can be real hateful idiots. But the majority aren't, trust me. We all hate homophobia, but being gay in itself is awesome. Stay strong!
I don't act straight or gay at all. My personality is somewhere way out in the middle of nowhere. As for feeling like you are lying, just don't laugh at gay jokes and get comfortable talking to yourself mentally and remind yourself that you aren't lying to yourself about anything.
You are 100% right about it being an accepting country in general. If you're wealthy enough as an adult, you could easily live in Brighton, which is one of the most gay-friendly places in the world. London is very accepting as well. There's lots to look forward to.
Be true to yourself as best you can... And even if you do come out it may involve some sacrifices on your part at leas for the time being. A long time ago when I was your age I found that many of my friends views and actions did not agree with my values. While I didn't just cut them off, I did slowly back away and in the end only kept a few friends that were true. I can only speak for myself, but I've found that it's better to be alone in a crowd than it is to go along with things you don't agree with and regret them later, and especially when you're young peer pressure can be immense, but the older you get the less peer pressure seems to matter, at least from my experience.
