Me and my ex have been spending time together for the last month after a year breakup & 3+ year relationship. We are gay, & my ex is a female to male. When we started talking again, I knew he had a new friend. However I recently learned that they mess around sexually pretty often. They seem to have a really good relationship, They mess & joke around a lot & he seems like a lot of fun. I am happy for him, but sometimes I do get jealous. Me and my ex are not planning to date, so if I want him in my life, this is something I must cope with. My ex and me do get sexual as well, which I am happy about, but there are a few things that make it hard;. so me and him started dating before he even knew he was trans. I loved him when he had a girls body & I will always love him no matter what. He told me that he likes to mess around with his friend because he makes him feel super masculine (he is a top), & he doesn't feel as masculine when doing stuff with me, since I used to have sex with him before he transitioned. I am a bottom, & I really wish I could make him feel the way this other guy does, but I cant erase the past. The second thing that upsets me, is that they hang out almost every day (they live super close), & apparently the guy seduces my ex very often. Like every other time they hang out. ME and my ex hang out a few times a week, but we rarely have the opportunity to get sexual. If it were up to me, me and him would mess around regularly. I feel extremely jealous. He says that he loves me with all his heart & that i will always be his number one, but i just don't feel that way. I feel like the other boy is so much better than me in so many ways, even though that may not be true. I know most people are probably going to tell me to remove myself from the situation & break contact. But I really love him, & I want him in my life. I need help with how I can cope with the pain so that I can keep this wonderful friendship. He know that it hurts me, I have told him. But I have not tried to change him & don't plan to. I wish that eventually I could make him feel the way he wants to sexually, & he can let go of the past (the sex we had before his transition). It would mean so much to me to feel like I can satisfy him & vice versa. If anyone can help I would be very grateful
Hi ThisLoneWolf To be honest, he doesn't sound much like an ex. What you are describing sounds more like an open relationship - you both love each other and yet he is having sex with another guy. From what you say, you need to introduce some hard boundaries if you want to keep the friendship and getting back together is not an option. So something like, hanging out and no sexual stuff ever. Or you need to talk to him about how you both feel about each other, maybe ask 'if I am your number one then why are you this other guy' but tackle your feelings for each other head on. Would you mind explaining a bit more about why and how you two broke up? Because it really doesn't sound like you have.
From what you wrote your "ex" left you or you mutually drifted apart but you were not content about it and you are jealous because you feel your ex basically uses you and sleeps with another guy?
I suppose it is like an open relationship, but if I were to call it that, he would argue that its not. I would probably be better off to not do anything sexual with him, let alone hang out with him. But it would be so hard for me tbh. He probably doesn't care if we have sex since he gets more satisfied from the other guy. I am technically the one who wishes we had even more sex than we do. It doesn't feel like he loves me like he loves the other guy, but I have been constantly remind myself that that not necessarily true. We did break up for around a year. There were many reasons. for one, i think he wanted to leave behind the past (when he still had a girls body), including me. We fought about money a lot, because I felt like I had to pay for everything for him (his family was very poor, & I felt very bad for him not getting what he needed), & I started to feel he was taking it for granted. Lastly, we both had many insecurities which caused us to fight. I have no idea what to do. I love my sex life with him & I wish I was getting more from him. BEing that I get so much less than the other guy, I honestly wonder if I'm even attractive to him. Ugh
Yes we did drift apart, & I did not want it to happen. I was devastated & felt like I wasn't good enough. I have felt like he had used me in the past, but I don;'t feel that way now. He has never used me for anything sexual. In fact, I wish he wanted more sex with me.
Thanks for the addition information. It definitely sounds like something you need to get away from given that you want more from him and he doesn't want to give it. Tbh it sounds like he is using you. You are having sex but only on his terms and at his discretion. It is not a mutual thing if you want a relationship and he is not going to meet your needs. I'm not saying he is at fault nor am I saying you are, but it seems like you both want different things. For you this is a problem because you are being frustrated in what you want out of life. Basically, it sounds like he is getting what he wants out of things but you are in the opposite position. It still seems like cutting of sex with him and maybe even seeing him would be the best thing for you. It would allow you too move on and meet other people. Unless of course you were considering speaking to him about getting back together?
I talked to him a bit more yesterday. Said that I feel like I am just your friend & that the other guy seems like the friend that you are more sexual towards. He named off many reasons why this is the case. Some of the reasons made me feel really crappy because what it came down to still, is that he enjoys it way more with him. Said some of it is that the guy is new, & secondly because he enjoys the chase (& I want it from him, the other guy doesn't want it as bad). Also that there are old emotions between us that get in the way. But the other reasons that didn't make me feel as bad was how we don't have as much opportunities because we hang during the day. HE said he does feel sexual toward me & that he DOES enjoy it. AT first I was telling him, "maybe we should just be friends" & he said he understands because he doesn't want to hurt me. But he then he said he really does enjoy it so he is open to trying things a little more. He agreed to start coming over at night a little more, that we can try it out a more often & see how I feel then. I want to give it a chance. COuld be a bad idea, but if It doesn't show any improvement. Then I will have to cut contact. Which scared to do, but that's a whole other set of issues.:/ Also would like to know what you think he is using me for, if its not sex?
That's why. It sounds like he is using you to make himself feel better and because he clearly knows he is in charge. Did you not notice that as soon as you mentioned just being friends he reacted by leading you on? By saying he want to try things a little more, which requires no commitment or change by him but keeps you hoping for more, keeps you giving him attention? He's clearly manipulating the feelings you have for him without giving you anymore than is convenient for him. Tbh it sounds like you really need to cut off contact now. Sorry if that is not what you want to hear but I really think it would be best for you.
