I just need some advice and reassurance. After having our first child 7 years ago, I started hooking up with men off the Internet and my wife found out. We had a trial separation and, because of money issues and me thinking I was "over it", got back together and have been together for the past 6 years. However, throughout that time I continued to talk to men and on a few occasions continued to cheat. Guilt, along with my wife's unwavering suspicion that I was cheating on her every chance I got, became too much and yesterday I finally told her we need to separate for good. I don't feel like any time I spent with her was wasted and I never felt unhappy, just unwhole, I guess. Like I couldn't be my true self. And I realized I would never want to be with just a woman for the rest of my life. I'm so happy to have two beautiful boys and to have supported my wife through college and gaining a steady career. There's so much uncertainty now and it scares me but I think I need it. I've never been one to go out on a limb or take the plunge with something and it terrifies me but I also feel like I need this to renew myself. So many questions though: How do I come out to my parents? My sister already knows but still. How do I eventually tell my kids? Along with telling them we are separating (when I move out, how can I get my 7 and 3 year old to understand)? Will I ever find another person to love? At the moment, I have no friends that aren't directly related to my wife and her friends. Will the loneliness get to me too much? I'm scared and yet feel liberated at the same time. Any kind words will help to assure me I'm doing the right thing.
I wish I had more answers to offer, but I'm still early in the stages of awareness and acceptance. However, I did want to tell you your statement that while married you "never felt unhappy, just unwhole" resonated with me -- at least when I think back of the OK periods during the 30 years I was married.. You seem to be on the right path.
Brianm I feel the most important thing you have done is to accept yourself, be honest and lead an authentic life plus being honest with your wife. Take one day at a time. Do not worry about the future. Work on accepting yourself and loving yourself. The rest will fall in place.
Hi Brianm, Assuming that you identify as gay - based on what you've written about your ongoing attraction to men, it sounds like you are gay - you are doing the right thing for everyone involved by coming out and separating. This will probably require a leap of faith on your part - all I can say is that I found myself in a similar position 2 years ago and now I'm a much happier and more content person than I was when I was living a lie. As for telling your kids, it's best to find a family therapist and work with your wife on how and when to tell them. Children are very resilient, so have faith they will accept your sexuality. As for your parents, just tell them next time you see them. Or are there circumstances here? As for dating - I believe everybody can find someone to date. See my recent post - Fear of failing ... again for specifics on how Best SF
The one thing I fear about coming out to my parents is not that they won't accept me but the disappointment. My mother especially. When I went through the trial separation, she cried on the phone with me. I don't know if I can handle disappointing them. But honestly I will just buck up and do it. The big thing I worry about is my mom telling other family members, such as my sister in law who will then tell my niece. I am a teacher and my niece attends the school I teach at. I just don't want kids spreading around rumors about me and my sex life, what not. My plan was to maybe break the separation to them and when my niece is graduated (next year) then come out to them. Or just ask them not to tell my sister and law or niece. Does that make any sense? I feel like being a teacher adds an extra layer to this.
You need to live your life for yourself, and while it's proper to be considerate of your parents, your an adult and need to live authentically for yourself, Your parents will need to go through their own grieving process, but that is an expected reaction and normal for this situation. In the end, I believe parents whom love their children do want what's best for their kids. Life has ups and downs no doubt, this is just another swing on the roller coaster of life and we as parents have all had them.
