I had an idea for a story that involves a trans main character, but I don't want to just guess at what it's like to live with gender dysphoria. So, I'd like to know what it's like. I would hate to write this story and end up improperly displaying the experience.
From what I've read, it greatly depends on the person. I am fortunate enough to not have an "extreme" case of it. There are some days where I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I forget I am biologically female until I see my bod (or get called female terms/pronouns) and get lost in thought about it. This can lead to a deep longing for a male body. Either way, it's pretty distracting and can cause anxiety or melancholy depending on the situation.
Well, the simplest way I can describe it is like this: Imagine waking up one day, as a male, to discover you now have a female body. Breasts. Periods. The whole package. Your family calls you a feminine equivalent of your name and you are expected to adhere to female gender roles. Really try to imagine how that would feel. You are still the same person. You have the same brain you had before. So what results is this intense feeling of displacement. A lot of trans people go years without knowing the word for this feeling. It almost feels like you're trapped and trying to get away from something, this suffocating, skin-crawling sensation that you cannot escape. You know who you are. You know you're a guy. But no one else sees you that way. You begin to doubt whether those who are closest to you know you at all. Isolation. You're a freak, you tell yourself. Of course you're a girl, you're just crazy, that's all. Surely all girls really feel like this. It is the body that determines whether you're a girl or a boy. So you try to make it work. But even so there are innate, hardwired parts of you that scream you're a guy. When you look at other guys you get this feeling... loss? Why do you feel loss? You see them take their shirt off at the beach and you hear their voice crack as it matures through puberty. You see them learning to shave their face, dressing in a suit for the high school prom, boasting over their muscles. These things are normal. So why do you have this heavy, squeamish sensation in your stomach when you see these things? "You're such a pretty woman." "One day you'll make a fine mother." "You look so cute in that dress." "Your form is so feminine and graceful." Compliments, yet you are embarrassed. Your aunt was just being nice. Your mom just wants the best for you. She even saved her wedding dress for you, her daughter, to wear one day for your wedding. You feel sick. Then you feel ashamed for feeling sick. What is wrong with me, you think. Why can't I just suck it up and be the... the woman you were destined to be from the very point that F was written on your birth certificate. The female name you were given, being called "she" and "her," feels like a slap in the face. But you learn to tolerate it. So much time passes and the endless tolerating, the never-ending acceptance of being a girl breaks you down. You know that it's killing you but the alternative scares you so much... How will your family react if you transition? Will your insurance cover hormone therapy? Is it legal for you to use a male name in this state/country? Can you get your birth certificate amended? Will the surgeries hurt? What if there are complications? So many questions but deep down you know that, even if it costs so much, it is the only way you can really live. Because this, right now, in this body and this role, is not living. It's a long game with a cruel end. Dysphoria is a sense of discomfort or dissociation with the gender you were assigned at birth. According to many trans people dysphoria can be separated into two types: social and physical. Social has to do with your expression, pronouns, gender roles, and generally how you are perceived by others. Physical has to do with your body and the primary and secondary sex characteristics of the gender you were assigned. Every trans person has a different experience. But for me personally, the description above summarizes it. Below I've provided a list of words I would use as a sort of point plotting of feelings I associate with the word dysphoria: Disconnect, alone, broken, misunderstood, invisible, disregarded, delusional, fear, hate, shame, lunacy, female, girl, tomboy, weird, freak, shemale, weak, tired, body, depression, she, her, daughter, sister, voice, dress, inferior, pain, overwhelmed, lies, fake, wrong, rejection, grieving, done... But as time has progressed, and I have come to a better understanding of who I am, I can say that there is hope. A monumental part of transition is support. Support from friends, family, and yes, even yourself. Below I'll provide another set of words I associate with the word transgender, based on my experience and thoughts where I am now: Hope, different, strong, one, connected, unique, fighter, sure, pride, respect, healing, family, rebirth, truth, right, he, him, brother, son, father, husband, handsome, beautiful, new, joy, acceptance, introspection, brave... If you want any specific examples or to talk more about this topic, just send me a message. I am not the best at explaining things but I will do my best. Dysphoria is a bitch. But transgender people are some of the strongest human beings you will meet. That is something I think would make a good focus in your story.
That was very intense to read... Thank you for your honesty, I hope I can grasp even one tenth of what you described in my writing.
For me at least, dysphoria impacts almost every aspect of my life. It's difficult to describe exactly what it feels like. When I was younger I often said "I feel wrong" or "I feel sick". I've described it in the past as feeling 'mentally nauseated'. At times it could be comparable to the feeling you get if you skip a step on the stairs. That moment right as you start to fall of 'oh sh*t, something has gone wrong'. Could also be comparable to the unsettling feeling you get if you see something that's just... not right. Eg; someone who can dislocate their joints; you know arms just aren't supposed to bend that way, but there it is in front of you. Now imagine having such a feeling every time you feel your chest move, every time you see your profile in the mirror. What's perhaps more obvious is that I avoid certain things or act in a way I otherwise wouldn't to alleviate it. Regarding dysphoria over my chest: As a kid I had really good posture, to the point others commented on how I sat up straight. I also used to wear tight shirts. Once my chest started developing, started slouching constantly in order to hide my chest. Now I limit my shirt choices to best hide my binder (high collars, dark fabrics, busy graphics, layers, oversized clothing). This also impacts how often I go out; it's a choice between staying in, binder off and having a chance to breathe properly, or risking my health by binding for longer than recommended for the chance to go out with friends. Bottom dysphoria; For a long time I wouldn't wear jeans or any tight pants, first to avoid emphasizing my legs/hips, second because it draws my own attention to what's lacking. Even with regular men's pants which have enough room, I tend to wear them lower on my waist. Both of the above certainly impact my ability to be intimate with others, whether that be as simple as giving a hug (think of how your chest touches the other persons... I can't do it when not binding), or further. Also affects other less-than-clothed situations such as showering, swimming, etc. Over the years I've also modified my behavior to accommodate things, for example I have a habit of holding items in front of my chest, and when I had long hair I kept it in a tight ponytail 24/7 so as to avoid feeling the hair on my shoulders/neck/face. Miscellaneous thoughts-- As gross as this is, I think it helps illustrate how bad dysphoria can get. At the start of puberty everything was so weird and uncomfortable that I dealt with it by dissassociating, pretending it wasn't happening. Literally ran out of the room every time my mom tried to have 'the puberty talk'. Didn't wear a bra until long, long after I should have because I thought maybe they would go away if I didn't acknowledge them. Didn't do anything to acknowledge menstruation. Refused to take showers/baths because it was so uncomfortable facing my body. I would have happily gone without bathing for months rather than take my shirt off and acknowledge my chest (fortunately my parents did force me into the shower every so often). Eventually I realized I had to deal with it somehow, for the sake of everyone around me... so I spent some gaps of time mentally checked out, retreated so far into my head that things like taking showers or handling periods felt like they were happening to someone else. Not the nicest way to spend a childhood, but it was the only way I could deal with it at the time. I will note that things like binding, cutting my hair, and of course starting testosterone have alleviated a lot of dysphoria; of course it still impacts things but overall it's a huge difference.
