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Enbyfriend doesn't want to hug

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by FoxEars, Jul 23, 2017.

  1. FoxEars

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    Hello guys, your local failure asking for some advice yet again!
    My enbyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and have always talked about how we're going to hug and cuddle when we see each other. I can't wait, just one more year to go and they'll be here with me, where I can hug them. Except, now they said that they're questioning everything and they're not sure if they even want to touch me.
    They aren't being rude, their ex boyfriend was a horrible person who abused my beautiful bean and they're scared I might be the same. It's understandable.
    I know it is selfish, but it really hurt me and scared that they will never get used to me. What if I do something to remind them of their ex? I really want to hug them at times, but I'm unsure as to whether that will ever happen. Does anyone know things we could do instead? Is it a sign that they don't like me any more?
     
  2. Barbatus

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    Hi FoxEars,

    I don't have personal experience of someone who doesn't want to or who is reluctant to be touched (understandable from what you say). So maybe it would be best to tackle it head on? You might ask them whether you could build up to a hug. So start off holding hands and when they are used to it maybe one arm around their shoulder? Basically, build up their trust and comfort with you being physical with the.

    This might take some understanding and patience from you - maybe holding hands for a short while and slowly getting longer. But if you take it slow and let them know you will stop when they want you too then their trust in you will build up pretty quick. Probably best to suggest this plan to them and see what they say.

    Hope this helps and it's great you are trying to figure this out. :slight_smile:
     
  3. TrevinMichael

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    There is no way to predict what will happen. Projection is not always fact.

    I would not predict the outcome of how you will interact based on what has been said.
    Be your wonderful self and see what they want to do or can do.
    Acceptance works both ways, you have to meet half way before you understand what will really happen
    when you actually meet in person.
     
  4. Elendil

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    Hi FoxEars,

    While I don't know the nature of the abuse your enbyfriend endured, I can tell you that I'm a sexual and domestic abuse survivor, so I can relate a bit to what they're going through.

    Both forms of abuse happened when I was really young, but it affected me to where I didn't even start trying to date until my 20s. I remember being very uncomfortable when people touched me in an intimate way. Even something as innocuous as a hug from a parent, whom I know would never hurt me in such a way, made my skin crawl. Other people close to me noticed that I had issues with touching and that when they hugged me my whole body would go stiff as a surfboard. I also couldn't stand being around large groups of people.

    It's like the abuse leaves your fight-or-flight response constantly turned on. You're on the lookout, subconsciously, for potential threats and you're body reacts automatically. You're never able to totally relax around other people. It took a long time and good therapy to gain control of these feelings. Now I'm at a point where people can hug me and I can stay relaxed. I still have some social anxiety when around large groups of people, but no where near as bad as before.

    I would say that no, it's not a sign that your enbyfriend doesn't like you. Remember that It's not you they have a problem with; it's the lingering emotional scars left behind from the abuse they suffered. These scars exert powerful effects on a person and causes them to react subconsciously to what their body perceives as a threat.

    As Barbatus mentioned, you could allow them to get used to you touching them. Hold off on hugging and start with light touches like holding hands, shoulder pats, etc. Do only so much as they feel comfortable with. If they're getting uncomfortable then stop. Also listen to them whenever they open up about what happened to them. Knowing that someone cares and is supportive of them helps and they'll have a better time at healing the trauma if they can talk about it.
     
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  5. FoxEars

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    I have talked to my enbyfriend and we both shared the boundaries of what we can do when we are first together. For them, it is mainly ask first, okay for hair and a no for the neck and shoulders. For me, it's ask for all but a no for stomach, waist, hair, thighs and neck.
    We have also agreed upon slowly building ourselves up to the big moment where we get to hug, they want to hurt but they know that they won't be ready immediately. I feel much better after this suggestion.
    Elendil, I am sorry for your experiences and I am proud to get a glimpse at how far you have come. I am currently in an unsafe household and would like to know how you managed to remove the person from your life. I understand that this may be slightly intrusive, so there is no pressure to answer.
    Thank you to all who replied.
     
  6. Barbatus

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    @FoxEars

    Glad you spoke to them about it. It seems to have really cleared things up for you both and given you a firm set of guidelines for the future. It also has shown you both that you can talk about things and be direct and considerate.

    Really glad it went well.

    Sorry to hear you are in an unsafe place. Unfortunately, I don't have any experience and so no advice for that.Hopefully Elendil will be able to help you with advice. Wishing well anyway.
     
  7. Elendil

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    I'm really glad to hear that you and your enbyfriend worked things out. Continue to communicate and listen to each other's needs and you both can work to overcome the touch barrier.

    On escaping abuse:

    As I said I was really young when both abuses happened. The predator was someone close to the family and as soon as my parents realized was what happening they took steps to remove him from our lives. My parents got me into therapy when I started showing signs of emotional problems as a result of what happened. So in that instance it was my family that rescued me.

    The domestic abuse was from my dad, who had a hair-trigger temper and was prone to explosive outbursts when things didn't go his way. Unlike with the sexual predator, I couldn't get him out of my life due to extenuating circumstances. As I got older I noticed his outbursts gradually became less frequent and he started keeping his temper under tighter control. I think he realized that his behavior was driving the rest of us away and tried to rectify it by keeping himself in check. Basically his father and grandfather were both abusers and they passed it down to their kids.
    I've since moved out from my dad's house, so I'm no longer subjected to what outbursts he does have.

    If you're able to, you might consider moving out of the household you're in. Getting away from abuse is a very important step to promoting your own well being. Are you of legal age in your country to live on your own? Are you able to be financially independent? If neither are options do you have friends or extended family with whom you could live where you feel you can be safe?

    I don't know if that helps in your situation, but that's what I found helped me.
     
  8. TrevinMichael

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    Glad things are going okay.
     
  9. FoxEars

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    I really appreciate your help, usually we could talk about issues we had- even the things we don't like about one another. We don't argue, but we let each other talk and explain our feelings and try to make changes when we can. This was a small knock back that had been quickly addressed thanks to your contribution.

    Unfortunately I am currently underage but I am employed (below minimum wage because aparently I should be paid less for doing the exact same job as my co-workers...) I'm saving up to buy or rent an apartment at the earliest opportunity and have been semi-living at a couple of friend's houses. I'm glad to hear that you had your family supporting you, for me I think my friends will be my crutch. I just hope that they won't get fed up of me.
    Thank you for the advice.
     
  10. Barbatus

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    @FoxEars Glad you found my contribution helpful. I wish you guys all the best. You've got it off on a really good basis.

    And yes, the minimum wage laws not applying to under 18's is totally unacceptable. On the plus side you are in employment which will be useful for when you do move out. In terms of support, would any charities be of use? Like childline or an abuse specific support group? I don't know of any off the top of my head but could be a good source of support.

    Wishing you well.
     
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  11. Elendil

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    I see. Then the best thing you can do is what you're doing now. Save up as much as you can and move out as soon as you're able. Hang tough and know that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

    That really sucks that they pay you less than minimum wage over there because you're under 18. To my knowledge employers in the US have to pay workers under 18 at the minimum wage. I wonder what the reasoning behind that is.

    Take care
     
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