Straight relationship creating false sense of preference?

Hm...

Having not experienced this directly I'll speak from a purely hypothetical perspective.

In my opinion your attraction (or lack thereof) to someone of the same sex is an innate thing. I don't think the attraction itself is affected by current relationship status. I don't think that "forbidden fruit" is more attractive for someone that wouldn't have been attracted to that sex anyway.

That being said, I do think that current relationship status would complicate recognition and acceptance of same-sex attraction. I also think that bisexuality is its own experience and whether a bisexual person would feel differently than a gay or straight person I don't know.

Sorry that's not terribly helpful, but in my opinion the level of attraction would not fundamentally be affected by relationship status.

Patrick

 

Lost in Daydreams

I can relate to so much of what you say. And, like you, I torture myself with
"The feeling that being gay would justify ending a heterosexual relationship, but bisexual would not". I suppose in the end it comes down to whether there is anything very important that is missing in your current relationship and whether you feel that you can either:
A) live quite contentedly without that important thing
or B) you can build/ create that important thing within your current relationship
or C) you don't think you can create that missing element within your current relationship - and it was never there in the first place - but you know you are capable of feeling it and you are consumed by longing to experience it.

The more self-aware, newly awakened me realises, for the first time in her life, that she is capable of feeling completely at home with the words "make love to" and has it within her to give those words full expression...she realised this because of her feelings towards a particular woman, but has zero experience in that way with a woman, and precious little experience with men, so whether she concludes she is bisexual or lesbian is difficult to say. But the point for me is that it did feel like I was sexually incomplete before, but now I do know that I have the potential to be sexually whole - and for that reason I don't think I can maintain the status quo without destroying myself and/ or my partner.

 

Peterpangirl,

I think you put it so well in your last paragraph - the process of discovering a love for someone feels to me like an ephiphany. I know it's real because it feels like an awakening to knowing something previously unknown. That feeling of having an epiphany or an awakening would definitely tell me where my truth was.

Disclaimer: the above is my highly personal experience of falling in love. *grin*

Patrick

 

Does it make sense if I add that I only realised my incompleteness with hindsight? - I used to think that was just the way I was - that I had a somewhat limited capacity for feeling and expressing romantic and sexual love - that I could feel affection/ emotional attachment for a partner - but that there was only so much I could give in that way and it ended for me with sex, that it was as if I was on the outside of me looking in as a spectator to the act and that anything I did in the bedroom stopped short of total vulnerability and full intimacy...

 

Yes, that makes perfect sense. You can't know that you've been sleeping until you awake. A love will awaken something inside and you suddenly perceive the world in a new way. It's not just a new chapter, but a completely new book of ideas and inspiration.

-Patrick

 

I would not reflect on my own intense gay feelings, thoughts and emotions while married as being caused by the heterosexual relationship. Rather, my inability to be myself and live authentically caused those feelings to be exponentially stronger compared to what I feel today now that I am being completely authentic.

I am sure a therapist probably has some great technical explanation, but from my own experience when I was not living authentically and once I had my catalyst moment a vast amount of my mental and emotional attention would focus on my sexuality. Even before my catalyst moment, I had very strong attractions to guys that I knew I could never have. A bit of the "grass is always greener" on the other side syndrome as well as a "want what you can not have" syndrome.

After I embraced my sexuality, and as I progressed on my journey figuring whom I am, these intense thoughts and emotions began to subside. Now, my sexuality has become just a part of my everyday life.

 

Patrick, I really resonate with what you've said, that "You can't know that you've been sleeping until you awake. A love will awaken something inside and you suddenly perceive the world in a new way. It's not just a new chapter, but a completely new book of ideas and inspiration."

It is so true.(for me).. this is what I was feeling today, and wrote about and poated earlier...!

Likewise OTH...so great to read about your experiences and lessons learnt...

"Rather, my inability to be myself and live authentically caused those feelings to be exponentially stronger compared to what I feel today now that I am being completely authentic." Makes so much sense.

And how you put the following (excuse my adds in parentheses) is a bellweather for me, for as you wrote:

"...when I was (while I'm) not living authentically and once I had my catalyst (my unfolding epiphanys along the way) moment a vast amount of my mental and emotional attention would focus on my sexuality."

(As I'm embracing) my sexuality (the real from the impressed), and as I (progress) on my journey figuring whom I am, these intense thoughts and emotions (have in some ways begun) to subside.(though in reality not out of the closet it is for me more hypothetical - a romance of thoughts) (but can sense how) my sexuality (would) become just a part of my everyday life.

When 'authenticity is embraced labels fall away like leaves in autumn, their job over and done...

Julien