Thanks to all who have posted. I've needed your support and wisdom. I'm gay! I'm also married to a wonderful woman who has done everything to make our life as beautiful as can be. But as stated before. I'm gay. I'm crushed. I can't fake being her straight husband anymore. I've been living a lie. I used to try to ignore my homosexual tendencies or urges or whatever you want to call them. I no longer can. I've gone to a counselor for advice. He says I might not actually be gay. I feel gay. Gayer than ever! I'm confused about what to do. What if I'm not gay? I've told my wife about my long hidden sexual urges/desires and she laughed it off as a mid life identity crisis. Meanwhile I'm looking at gay porn obsessively. Wishing I was making out with some guy and feeling more and more like a perv because I just want to look at gay porn. I'm not even sure which guys I think I would like. I've started to message guys through an app and I feel like a total loser because of it. Still haven't been with a guy yet. But I'm losing my wits. The urge to be.....to be with....to find out if that's what I am. Lost in pain, guilt and embarrassment, anyone who can relate, please help
Hey there are lots of people here who can relate I'm curious, when your counsellor said you might not be gay did he elaborate on what he meant? Some people with some personal experience will probably post better advice but I think you need to have another sit down and talk with your wife. I know it's going to hurt her but I feel like it's going to hurt her more if you get to the point where you have actually acted on these feelings.
Welcome to EC. As Silverhalo says, there are lots of people here who have been in a similar position. Is your wife aware that you're messaging other guys? If you feel like you're close to cheating, then perhaps you should share this with your wife again and explain you don't feel it's a mid-life crises. Ideally, what would you like to happen?
Thanks for your concern, I guess......I'm not exactly sure what I want. I know I don't want to feel like I'm cheating on her by just having these constant thoughts on being with men physically. Constantly questioning my sexuality, but feeling trapped to explore the probability that I'm gay or bisexual at the least. I still love my wife. Romantically and sexually. But I feel a pull towards something that seems unfamiliar but very familiar at the same time. I want to be with a man in a sexual way for sure and possibly romantically. Its crazy to me! To her it's not even a possibility.
And! No! My wife does not know about the messaging. I won't cheat on her. Mostly just interested in what other guys feel like when they are gay, their experiences and the way they were able to realize their sexuality. I'm lost in guilt.
When you say you won't cheat on her I assume you mean physically to me the fact you have downloaded the app and are messaging guys, I'm assuming this is a dating app in which case for me it is already kind of cheating but I'm not judging you as everyone has their own definitions and I don't envy your situation. I think you need to have another chat with your wife.
Why is talking to your wife not a possibility? Are you worried about how she's react? Also, I would agree with what silverhalo says above about cheating. It's better that your wife hears it from you, than finds the app and messages.
There are a lot of guys here on EC who have been /are in a similar situation as yours. Wait until someone replies to your posts. I can understand the desperation and longing but porn is not a good indicator of sexuality, I think. Neither are apps. Do you know anyone who is gay and you can talk to them? Also a therapist who is lgbtq trained would be better able to appreciate your situation, I feel. I can understand that you want to talk to someone who is able to authenticate your feelings and you may be feeling desperate as your wife is not able to relate to that. But it will take her time to process the whole situation. You have had some time to process your thoughts but she hasn't had, so give her time. Meanwhile communicate on EC. There are many other posts here in this section which would be helpful to you. Realise that nothing is end of the world and your situation will sort itself out in time.
Take it from a married man of 30 Years whi ended up cheating on my wife with guys because of similar feelings , infidelity is HORRIBLE Thing and so brutally painful. So t ever apologize for my sexuality but damn cheating is bad. So you are ahead of the curve here and communication open and honest with your wife is critical Period.
If you want to have a better idea of your true sexuality, I would suggest the following: 1. Stop using the apps and stop messaging guys. 2. Stop using any porn for a while. 3. During masturbation (without porn) using only your own fantasies, attempt to create fantasies with only women in your fantasy. Try that a few times. Then, masturbate a few times with only men in your fantasies. Finally, masturbate with fantasies of both men and women. This will take some time, perhaps a few weeks. 4. Analyze your reactions for those masturbation sessions. What excited you the most? The least? 5. Try to be as honest as you can when thinking about these masturbation sessions. It's not foolproof, but this should give you a better insight into your sexuality and what turns you on. Remember, porn is designed to excite you, and gay porn can be a turn-on even for a straight guy, so try this method and let us know how it goes. Take care.
Thanks all, for replying with such wise words. Thank you! Ive spoken to my wife over the past couple years or so about my ever growing desire to express my feelings freely. So, yes, speaking to my wife about it is not only a possibility but a reality as well. The problem is she's in denial. Meaning, Ive told her how I'm more sexually stimulated when I fantasize about being with a man than if I try to fantasize about women. Key word being, try. Ive long given up on fantasizing about women. I think women are wonderful and gorgeous but, I know thats not me anymore ......I want to explore my homosexual urges/desires. I've told her I need to feel the freedom to express my gay side. She, for obvious reasons is very uncomfortable with my desire to discuss to the subject with her. She's afraid! She knows Im afraid too. We have discussed the matter. Many times. It started out as "Honey, I think I'm gay", she wouldn't have it or accept it. She wanted to know how I could want some girly acting gay guy over a real girl. She told me that I was probably bisexual. I told her I have no desire to fantasize about women when I masturbate. I told her I imagine/fantasize about men when I do. I've told her everything about my desires, what I desire. She's been able to accomadate me at times with some sexy conversation during sex, but eventually she reverts to her homophobic slurs and jokes. Shes hurt. Im hurting. Shes in deep denial. I cant deny what Ive become. I'm back to telling her that I'm gay. Bisexual isn't true or accurate. I know where this is going. I guess I'm just afraid of the truth like her
Thank you! I value your help. Ive done just that. Deleted apps. Giving up the messaging. you're right. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how I look at it. I'm a confirmed gay man. Ive been hiding the fact for most of my life. I accept that I'm gay now. I accept that I've been gay this whole time. Suppressing my feelings and thoughts so no one would know that I was gay. I can accept that Im gay. She does not. She wants to continue living together. She's embarrassed of me. I kind of understand. I'm not sure I'll be able to live with her anymore. I need to work this out.
Hey have you considered couples therapy, not necessarily in an attempt to stay together but maybe if she had someone to talk it through with it may help her out of denial.
Oh dear, there are so many of us here who completely understand where you're coming from and how you feel. I too denied myself so long ago. I couldn't face the fact that I'm gay, so I buried it and told myself that no one would ever know my secret. I then did what I thought I was supposed to do in order to have a "normal" life, so I married a woman and fathered two children. That was 25 years ago. One difference between us, however, is that I came out to myself a full two years before coming out to my wife or anyone else. So, I had two years of time in working through my own internal issues and coming to terms with being gay by myself. By the time I came out to her, I was fully realized and no longer confused in any way by my sexuality. I knew when I came out to her that I needed to leave her, and I left no doubt that our marriage was over when I came out. This is going to take some time to unravel the many years of your married life. It will take time for your wife, and for you. So, be patient with her and yourself. I would recommend that you both seek therapy, whether it be together or separate. Finally, I want to tell you that you cannot heal her. It will be your instinct to try to help her, protect her, and heal her pain, but it doesn't work because you are the source of the pain. You have now brought her into the closet with you, and she will have to traverse this journey as well - only her journey is different from yours. She will have to walk that path by herself, and with the help of a therapist, hopefully, she can begin healing herself as well. Please keep reaching out to us here at EC, and keep reading posts. There are many resources for your wife as a straight spouse as well. Just google "straight spouses" and you'll find resources for her. Take care.
I'm in your exact same situation. Been married now for almost 32 years and I also can't fight my urges anymore.
So beautifully and compassionately offered, stated and explaned... thank you too with much gratitide.
