Hello and thank you for reading! I am a 24 year old male. For the longest time in my life I identified as straight. While I never had a girlfriend before, I always pictured myself being in a relationship with a girl, Marrying a women etc. I'm not the smoothest guy when It comes to women, but I have made attempts at hitting on girls and I have made out with a handful f them. Sexually I am attracted to women. I lost my virginity to a woman though I admit It was pretty awkward considering I had no clue what I was doing. However recently I started to question what my orientation is. I am still attracted to women and have a desire to be in a relationship with one but I find myself watching Gay porn and occasionally masturbate to the thought of being with another man. These feelings are compounded with the fact that I recently struck out with a girl that I really thought I was going to be in a relationship with. I have low self esteem and anxiety issues. The creeping feeling of self doubt started to bubble up and I've been feeling pretty lousy the past week. Roughly a year ago In an effort to try and figure out what my orientation was, I got very drunk and made out with another guy. I don't think I enjoyed the experience. Kissing a man felt odd. I didn't like the feeling of kissing a guy. When thinking about it in my mind, I don't think I want to bei a relationship with another man. Not that there's anything wrong with being in a relationship with a man it's just never really appealed to me. Whenever I fantasize about having a relationship it's with a girl. To end my ranting I am not really sure what I am and that kind of scares me. Could I simply be Bicurious? Is my general tendency to overthink things just making this worse? Thank you for reading and responding.
if you didnt like kissing a guy and these feelings u are having towards men are new then u may simpley be curious. Nothing wrong in that, depending on how open u are to it all maybe experiment while ur young and single. If u wait will ur with a woman in a seious relationship that will do u no good. U may find a guy for a hook up and totally love it and it could open all new doors to u or u could simply hate it and that would be case closed. Having sex with a man dont make u gay bi or anything, u are what u are and i think all u need to do is discover what u are.
First time kissing a guy and hating it isn't a reliable indicator, there are so many factors involed, i.e the person you kissed, your own internal homophobia etc. The fact that you can occasionally fantasy about men and enjoy it is a pretty strong indication that you have some same sex attractions. You should speak to a therapist about it, or if that's no possible try socialising with some gay men and see if you become more comfortable with yourself.
I don't think I have internal homophobia. And If i fantasize about both women and men wouldn't it mean I'm attracted to both? To your part about socializing with gay men, that might not be a bad Idea.
Most people aren't aware of their internalized homophobia, society has taught us that same sex feelings are wrong and that we should only be with the opposite sex. Many of us start off completely unaware of our same sex attractions (myself included), but things become clearer once you start to break down the walls of internalized homophobia and stop living your life the way society has dictated it to you. It's not my place to tell you your sexuality. But masturbation to gay porn and fantasies of men are not the actions or thoughts of a straight man.
Hey Five23, Sexual orientation is about your romantic and sexual attractions. If you fantasize about both men and women (especially when masturbating when you're not using porn), it could very well be an indicator that you might be bi. Perhaps the discussion in these videos may help clarify things for you:
