New Coworker, can't stop thinking about him - infatuation, lust or what??

I'm new, and I don't even know if this fits in this category or not lol So if it doesn't, I'm sorry.

I'm writing here because I won't be able to get advice anywhere for this, and it's driving me mad (is this even the right forum?).

So, here's the story (brace yourself, long essay coming up lol):

I'm in my mid-twenties, nerdy shy and awkward. I work in a theme park (not going to mention which one), so it literally tore me out of my comfort zone, and for that, I learned to love my job.

Fast forward a few months, and this guy starts working and training in my area. Early twenties, quiet, frat-looking guy with slightly deep voice. He looked kinda like a jock. Taller than I am too. When I first saw him, I thought "wow, he's cute. Hot even", but left it there. I kept doing my job and even forgot about him until he passed training and started working there. We never spoke, cause our job requires us to move around and sometimes you never see a coworker all day. Then one day, like I do with every new coworker, I ask them if they like the job and stuff. It was super awkward, kinda like those conversations that are like:

"weather's nice"

"yeah, sunny too"

"yeah, it's hot too"

"yeah, and sunny"

And so on...

It wasn't that that particular conversation, but we were both visibly uncomfortable. We both wanted the conversation to end.

He even asked me something, but I couldn't hear over the commotion. It sounded like he was mentioning a food event that was either taking place in our job or he was inviting me to something? (the latter is unlikely, I'm not particularly the life of a room, not popular, not part of the in-crowd, and he barely knew me. Plus, there was no indication that our conversation was anything but chit chat to kill time). Nevertheless, I never knew what he said, and he never repeated it again.

But, me being ME, I couldn't stop thinking about he said. No other interest beside curiosity.

Now things get awkward. Weeks after, we rarely crossed paths. But when we did, there was always this moment where we would look at each other in a very weird way. The only way I can explain it is when you see something, like a person, animal or even a car, and you just want to be aware that it's THERE. You can't tell whether you feel threatened, or curious or both...

It really lasts around one or two seconds, but it's uncomfortable.

Fast forward a few days and things get even weirder...for me. Every time I see him, I get nervous or anxious. Not the good kind. Not like butterflies or anything....just feeling uncomfortable. Everybody likes him, and he seems the likable type...but every time I see him, I feel like I can't trust him or even like him. I have even pictured me having a huge fallout with him or an argument for no apparent reason. Like I want to hate him.

I've caught myself in this odd behavior. I can walk past him, but I ignore him. If we make eye contact, it's awkward and I try to find an escape route. When he's in the room, I never address him when I'm talking to my other coworkers...

Another detail to add is that I'm not out as gay, to ANYONE. And I use everything in my power to keep that part of me hidden (for reasons I will not share at the moment). But recently I've been going through a lot, so I have far too much in my mind to make sense of anything....and this is the most recent issue :/

I didn't know where to go with this. I'm pretty sure I'm not in love or anything. He's not a guy I picture myself with, and I am CLEARLY not his type, even if he were into guys. He's the jock, pretty boy type. and I know it might be stereotypical, but if I were to choose someone for my future, it would not be him. He's cute and all, but that's about it... I don't know why, but every time I see him, I see red flags. I'm always on red alert, and since our names are always on the whiteboard, when I see his, my day is kinda ruined and I start hoping I never cross paths with him (even though, subconsciously, I want to...because, as I said, I feel like I want to START something). I don't know him personally, and he could really be a nice person to befriend, but for some reason I feel unsafe, insecure and even a certain level of animosity towards him.

This situation has been driving me insane! When I'm around him, I don't feel fuzzy or even safe, and my first instinct is to do something to start a feud or avoid him entirely. He doesn't seem dangerous, but it's like he puts everything inside me on red alert.

Today, I was talking to a coworker about a movie, and HE was there. Only the three of us in the break room. I'm getting promoted and the guy I was talking to starts questioning me about it, wishing me luck and stuff. I can feel HIS eyes on me as I talked to the coworker, and with a side glance, I see that his stare was more of curiosity than anything else. I avoided him entirely, not even looking or acknowledging him (not polite, I know).

I'm more inclined to believe that I don't like him, but I can't get him off my mind. And to be honest, I don't think there's any interest on his part to be either friends or anything more than that. I mean, you would try to begin a conversation with someone you want to befriend, wouldn't you?

Also, I'm not particularly attractive or interesting (I've made my peace with that), which is why I'm not looking for a partner at the moment, only focused on making quality friends. For that reason, I'm inclined to believe that there is no interest from him on me. I am good at reading people, and trust me, this is not a crush - from either side.

Then again, I overthink things, so this whole mess can only be in my head.

Anybody knows what this is? I just want to make sense of this, because I work most of the week with him and I can't define what's going on....any help would be greatly appreciated

Thank you and sorry for the essay lol

 

Never been abused by a jock before, so that eliminates that possibility... But I guess if I were to TRY and explain what's going on, I think it would be what you just said. Thank you.

I never even thought about the possibility of having some hatred in me and projecting it on him. I find that possibility fascinating and I sort of feel bad now. I've been going through an emotional and psychological turmoil, and this happened....

Thing is, even though I would categorize him "out of my league", I never thought it could subconsciously be something like that. I still don't have any romantic attraction to him, which is why I feel so confused and desperate. I would say he's attractive, but in a superficial way and that's it. I see a LOT of attractive people on a daily basis. He falls into that group of hot people that come and go. It's not like I am attracted to the way he is or something, since I've only spoken to him once. I just want to know what's going on with me and with this whole situation so I can move on. Never had anything like this happen to me before.

And is this only me? Or would you say there might be more to this than what I'm seeing? Based on what I wrote? It's just odd, the way he looks at me... it's like we knew each other a million years ago, yet there is no possible way that it has been so. I come from a different country (Puerto Rico) and he is clearly American, so knowing him before work is unlikely.

Thank you for replying

 

I'll work on that, thank you

I have no idea why I keep thinking about him, honestly. In my opinion, there are other coworkers who I've interacted with whom I've found a lot more attractive, and whom I've actually gotten along with no problem (again, no romantic feelings in any case). But there is something about this coworker that keeps buzzing around my head.

I will try being friendlier. Interact with him more or at least say hi. I think I'll be able to get a clearer understanding of what is going on once I do this.

In terms of the bottling my sexuality, I agree with you. It's just that I feel that, at the moment, the circumstances are not appropriate for that. I would say it's not even safe to do so, actually. Yet another thing I have to work on haha

I really appreciate the help, from everybody that replied. I guess I needed to hear this from people who didn't know him or myself. If you would like, I can keep everybody posted

Thanks again!

 

Thanks for the concern

I didn't mean it like my life was in danger or anything, but more like it would cause a huge scandal in my family. As I said, I'm in my mid twenties, still trying to figure out what to do after college and what to do about my future. I have a bachelor and nowhere to go. I have a job that pays enough to cover basic bills, but not enough to live on my own. I don't drive (for other reasons) so it's even harder.

The reason I add this information is because I think the only "healthy" way to start living my life and come out would be when I'm not in the same house or even city as my parents and family (which I'm currently doing). My entire (yes, I mean ENTIRE) family is either slightly homophobic or have a high level of disgust towards anybody from the LGBT community. Parents, sister, uncles, aunts and grandparents. They were all raised in this hardcore religious type cultures in which it's considered a sin. Homophobia was basically encouraged as I grew up.

At the moment, with all these things hovering in my head (lack of career, lack of identity, insecurity, depression, anxiety and no clear future) has me a little tired, to be honest. I feel stuck in time and space. Which is why, I believe, this coworker thing hit me hard. And the fact that I can't escape all of this has me frustrated.

If I were to come out, there would be some serious animosity between me and my family. As of late, things have not been good. My father and I argue more times than not, and it's sometimes about the same thing: reminding me that I am in my twenties, girlfriendless, working minimum wage at a theme park with no clear sense of direction. Having him tell me this everyday, as he picks me up from work and takes me there, is exhausting.

My circle of friends is a much more peculiar case. I personally have trust issues, so it's hard for me to share certain pieces of information about me. But in terms of sexuality, my friends have shared their views on homosexuality. One of my friends mocks gay people, and his girlfriend (a good friend of mine as well) has shared her disagreement with equality and stuff.

To be honest, I have no plans for the future, but I do want to be free of this. In due time. My plans involve just moving to a new place, maybe country, and start over from cero. New me, new life. There are people out there that will accept me as I am, so I just have to wait and find them.

And in terms of "trying to make them understand", it wouldn't work. I can only try so much without outing myself, and it's exhausting. Still, not giving up

 

A little update about the coworker...

He's leaving tomorrow, for good. He was part of a program which allowed him to work at my job for a limited amount of time. His program ended and he's going back to his home state.

I haven't spoken to him because we haven't been scheduled at the same time.

And to make me feel even worse about the way I've been acting and/or thinking, he's a Christian. And I'm a Christian, though the way I behaved was very unchristian-like. Others told me about hanging out with him and spoke of him being very kind and a gentleman. It turns out that he was very shy and kept to himself.

I;m going to try and talk to him tomorrow, if I see him. If not, this should become a lesson for others and myself. Be kind. Always. He could've been a friend, or something else...

Thank you all for the replies. Made me see things from another perspective, to which I am grateful.