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How do I tell the guy I love about my feelings?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by BadAssBitch, Sep 13, 2016.

  1. BadAssBitch

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    Okay, so, one of my friends in my college class has made me fall completely in love. He's the definition of lovable. I'm not too sure whether or not he's gay or bi, but I keep getting mixed signals. I'm out, but it's not like I go around, telling people I'm gay when that topic has never came up, so he doesn't even know (though he probably has a very big inclining :lol:slight_smile:.

    He'll look me in my eye and laugh with me and he seems to be really open and relaxed around me. It's SO hard to tell, though, because of these mixed signals. I want to say that he seems to flirt with me, but I honestly haven't a clue. I'm just really scared that, if I tell him how I feel, he will hate me or feel uncomfortable around me. It's SO frustrating because we get on so well and I don't want to jeopradise that. :eusa_doh:

    Oh, it actually HURTS! I've never been in a relationship; I've never even been kissed or hugged by another guy:tears:. I would LOVE some help with this one as I am seriously non-the-wiser. :bang:
     
    #1 BadAssBitch, Sep 13, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2016
  2. SkyWinter

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    I think the obvious answer is to ask him what he thinks about you. You don't have to drop to your knees and profess your love. That would probably be awkward even if he did have some kind of feelings for you too.

    Why don't you ask him to hang out after class? If he doesn't want to, well, I think you might have your answer.

    If he doesn't like you, well, that will suck, but I think it is better to find out than not.
     
  3. Quantumreality

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    Hi, BadAssBitch.

    Why don't you consider working to make him a much better friend first? It sounds like you've fallen for him, but do you really even know him all that well? If you have a chance to be BFs and want to possibly have a long-term relationship, you should have more in common that your crush on him, don't you think? Do you have common interests or hobbies, etc? What things can you do together? If you can hold your deeper feeling in check for a while and make him a good friend, that might open the door to asking him directly at a later time if he would want to be your BF. Alternately, you may find out through your friendship that he is definitely straight and not a BF prospect for you, but you will have hopefully established a valuable new friendship. Or, of course, if it turns out that you have little or nothing in common on which to establish a friendship, a romantic relationship would most likely have failed anyway.

    Just some thoughts.

    Take Care. Stay strong and proud!:slight_smile:
     
    #3 Quantumreality, Sep 13, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2016
  4. BadAssBitch

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    Thanks for the advice, everyone. Which ever way it goes, I'll still feel great to have him as a friend.

    ---------- Post added 14th Sep 2016 at 03:55 PM ----------

    When I feel like this has been achieved and I can let him know, like, what should I say? I've never done this before, so I'm sorry if I come across as silly.
     
  5. I'm gay

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    It's definitely not silly. Asking someone out is difficult to do, no matter the orientation of the people involved. It's just as hard for a straight person to ask out someone.

    This is where you have to be BOLD, and just go for it. Honesty is key. You can say something like, "I really like you, would you like to go out with me? Maybe we could do ... (whatever you like to do, see a movie, go hiking together, have dinner, etc.)"

    Of course, this was assuming that you figured out that he is not straight.
     
  6. Quantumreality

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    As Imgay47 said, you're definitely not coming across as silly. You're just uncertain and nervous, which is totally normal.

    So, once you think you know him well enough to ask, the avenue/time/place/method may just present itself and be obvious. If not, you could do as Imgay47 suggests and just ask him directly, but depending on the strength of your friendship at that point, you might risk ruining your friendship with him. Or you might consider going about determining his feelings for you from an angle. For example, if he talks to you about his romantic interests or previous relationships (and you determine that he doesn't currently have a romantic relationship), maybe you could ask something along the lines of, "if you could date anyone here on campus, who would it be?" And if he (hopefully) asks you the same question, you could say "you" and watch him closely for his reaction. If it looks bad, you could just play it off as a joke. But little conversations along those lines might give you a better idea whether or not you might want to ask him directly at a later time. If you have a mutual close friend or two, you might query them about what he says about you to them when you aren't around. (Such as does he talk about you a lot, does he always say really nice things about you, etc.)

    I'm sorry, there is no right answer to this. It mostly depends on how you and he interrelate.

    I don't know if any of that helps.

    Take Care. Stay strong and proud!
     
    #6 Quantumreality, Sep 14, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2016
  7. BadAssBitch

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    Yeah, that actually helps a lot; hopefully he'll feel the same way, or still want me as a friend.
    Thanks for all of your advice, asking him that way sounds a lot easier and less risky. :icon_bigg
     
  8. Quantumreality

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    I wish you the best of luck on this, BadAssBitch. Just take it slowly and deliberately. This isn't a race.

    Take Care.:slight_smile:
     
  9. BadAssBitch

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    Well, I know it's been a while, but I'm returning with a quick update for you all.
    I ended up just telling him. Basically, it had been driving me crazy and when I was in college yesterday, I got a bit upset. One of my friends asked me what was wrong and I said that I would text her about it later. Well, instead of saying that, I said "you all" (because I've got verbal diarrhoea) implying that I was going to text everyone, including the guy.

    So he texted me last night, asking what was wrong. I started to panic and began texting my mate like, "what shall I say? What shall I say!?" It was actually quite funny looking at it now.

    But, yeah, to cut a long story short, he took it really well; he was just really pleasant about it. What I really want to know is what all these Xs at the end of some of his messages are about.
     
  10. Quantumreality

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    Hey BadAssBitch,

    You said he took it well and was pleasant about it, but you didn't say if he returned your feelings. Based on what you wrote, it doesn't sound like he returned your feelings.

    xxx's at the end of a text are kisses. But some people use them as a friendly sign-off and not to mean anything romantic. You'd either have to find out if that's a normal sign-off for him to all or most of his friends or you could ask him directly if it is just a friendly sign or a romantic one.
     
  11. BadAssBitch

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    Yeah, I know what kisses are as I've sent him some, too. He hasn't told me whether he feels the same way or not. I have tried to get over him, but I can't. Am I just reading too much into the signals he's sending? I'm just so sick of not having my love returned; I feel like there's something wrong with me. Everything about me screams, "I've never felt the touch of a man." Should I just give up on the whole thing?
     
  12. Quantumreality

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    There's nothing wrong with your BadAssBitch. It's the nature of romance and love. We often fall for people that don't return our feelings of attraction and sometimes people who are attracted to us are not people that we have romantic feelings for.

    The important thing is not to give up. Keep trying.

    In this case, you might just have to ask him directly. You already told him how you feel about him. That might have taken him by surprise and he might have needed time to process that. But, it's been almost a week now, right? Do you think you could ask him something like: "Hey, you know I told you how I feel about you. Since you haven't said anything, does that mean that you don't feel about me that way at all? I just would like to know so that I can have closure."
     
  13. BadAssBitch

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    Thank you for that. And yeah, that's just what I'm gonna have to do. I'm just sick of his mixed signals.
     
  14. BadAssBitch

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    Hey, everyone. Just wanted to give a quick update. It seems, since we started back at colleg in January, he has completely changed towards me. We used to talk all the time; we were so close; I thought we had a connection. But no - he's started being really snotty to me and trying to avoid me. He now spends all of his time with one of the other guys on the course and when I try and talk to him, he just gives me one word answers.

    I don't know how we have gone from what we were - really, quite close - to this. He even called me a brown-noser on our group chat last week. The whole thing's making me really miserable and I can't concerntrate on my work or anything and my anxiety's gone off the charts. Why does he hate me?
     
    #14 BadAssBitch, Feb 14, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2017
  15. Quantumreality

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    Hey BadAssBitch,

    Did you ever tell him directly how you feel about him? Or didn't you even get a chance to do so?

    Did you perhaps start to unconsciously push him away and send signals that you didn't want to talk to him since he was sending you such confusing/mixed signals? Or, at least, could he have perceived such behavior from you?

    Have you asked him to meet with you somewhere one-on-one so that you can have a heart-to-heart conversation with him? A lot of times, when things go sour between two people, it's because of misunderstanding on one side or the other due to a lack of open, 2-way communication between them.
     
  16. BadAssBitch

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    Hello, everyone. God, it's been a while! Is this thing still on?!

    Basically, I would just like to provide a brief summary of what has happened and why I'm probably a lot better off now.

    The guy I was absolutely head-over-heels with isn't really worth any more of my time. After I posted the last reply on here, he had appeared to start being more friendly with me and the awkwardness seemed to have worn off, but, boy, was I wrong. I am in the stages of writing a novel set in Canada, and I asked him to take a look at my manuscript to see what he thought, seeing as he is a writer, too.

    There are two gay characters in the novel, because I want it to deal with many different themes, and because there is a young gay couple, of course I MUST have been talking about him. I wasn't. I didn't realise that's wha he thought at the time, and he actually complemented me and said it was good.

    I thought that was him being nice to me, but wait - plot twist: he was a gobshite. He's actually gone around to all of our college mates and showed them the different scenes in the book and said, "look, this obviously means me hahaha." Shortly after that, I told him I thought he was very conceited and that he should get over himself.

    I feel so much better now, though, and I'm actually speaking to a guy I really like, who I know for a fact IS gay, and I'm trying to make a go of it. He's a lot nicer than the other guy, and if I could go back in time to give myself a shake and a wakeup call, I would.

    I just want to thank everyone who replied to me and put up with some of the silly things I was saying. I definitely will be learning from this experience for the future.
     
  17. beagle

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    Really sorry to hear what happened badassbitch, At least you stood up for yourself . nice one mate. Live and learn. But you made yourself vunerable and this time it didn't work out but i hope it made you stronger. All of a sudden i feel "eye of the tiger should be playing now"
     
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  18. Quantumreality

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    Hey BadAssBitch,

    I'm sorry things didn't work out with the first guy the way that you hoped, but it sounds like you're much better off without him.

    It does sound like you at least learned some valuable lessons from your experience with him. That's a positive take-away!

    I hope things go much better with this new guy that you're seeing!:slight_smile:
     
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