I'm still new to EC, but I'm enjoying the insights and support. I never thought I'd ever contribute, but I'm trying to push my boundaries and expand my comfort zone. To recap the key points for me. I'm in my late 50's and not out to anyone but my therapist ... and here. I divorced 5 years ago after 30+ years of marriage to a diagnosed narcissist. In think I was so insecure and in denial about being gay that I latched onto the first woman in college who showed interest in me. And then I conditioned myself to believe I deserved no better. I divorced 5 years ago after a pretty bad 20 years, of which the last 5 or so were a living hell for me and the kids. I finally left when they begged me to. I have three adult children who are the light of my life. Somehow they've survived the craziness. The youngest just finished college and is still with me for a while. Over the past year, I've very slowly started coming to terms with accepting that I'm gay. The key motivator? Now that I've finished "launching my kids" I can breathe again. But I really don't like the prospect of being alone and unloved and having no one to love for the rest of my life. As part of my journey, I've come to realize one of my biggest fears is "failing" as an out gay man. The way I see it is I already failed as a straight man, although I accept the reasons are numerous and complex. And I don;t want to fail again. Does anyone else who's coming to terms with being gay later in life worry it's just too late to be good at being gay? As I write this, part of me thinks it sounds silly. But there are so many guys braver than me who came out years ago and have fought the fight. Why would guys like that be interested in a late-to-the-game guy like me? I wonder that a lot. After spending over half my life in a failed relationship, it doesn't exactly boost my confidence that I can really master the nuts and bolts of the whole relationship thing. Has anyone else felt this way? Have you gotten past it ... how? Thx
Hey there. I am 44, so a bit younger, and my only child is just 5 years old, but otherwise the story is the same. Didn't land a boyfriend until I was 24, and he is also a narcissist. I stayed for 19 years, and never strayed. He abused me verbally and emotionally throughout, but I never thought I deserved better, couldn't see anything beyond my life with him until I suffered a kind of nervous breakdown this past February, came to terms with being gay, and extricated myself from the marriage. As I've spoken of at length elsewhere on this board, I have suddenly found myself absolutely desperate to feel romantic love for the first time in my life. The longing is very intense. But, I've fallen for someone I'm not sure can reciprocate, and I'm terrified to confess my feelings to her. Not sure I'm more afraid that she can't reciprocate or that she can! Because, yep, as you describe, I wonder how the hell I can even think I can pull this off. Getting to this age with only the one experience and it being so hellish, I feel terribly unequipped and very scared of all of it. As badly as I want it, I just feel a sense of doom. I can't give you anything but empathy and solidarity. I know how you feel 100%, and I hope we both find what we need... Others here have been through similar fears, and have entered into relationships successfully, so I hope you get some solid input on how it can all work out.
My second husband was also a narcissist and gave me the 9 worst years of my life, worse than living with a narcmom and abused by my father. I totally feel you and although I'm new to being a lesbian, I just advise you to give yourself time. You're still healing from the damage done plus dealing with something completely new, exciting and scary. Don't focus on a relationship or if you'll be good or bad at be hood. Learn just how to be good at being yourself. The rest, I think (and hope) will fall into place. I repeat these words to myself every time I try to put the cart before the horse. I'm trying to savor the relevation that I'm a lesbian, learn how it affects me and how it will effect me. Already, I'm more calm and confident than I was as my straight self, if onky because I understand myself a whole lot better now than I did then. Good luck in both your narc recovery and I our journey to your sexual identity. Don't rush it. Don't set unreasonable expectations. Just be good to you.
My journey has been similar to yours in a lot of ways ... sounds like I had similar problems with my marriage and also my lack of confidence in myself as a man, which led me to make a bad decision in getting married to my ex-wife. But getting to be a father and having a good ongoing relationship with my daughter is a real blessing. I'm not sure what you mean by "failing" as a gay man. If you mean finding a partner/husband or similar steady/monogamous relationship I would say that can be a very tall order for most gay men to achieve ... especially more mature men like us, although I think the phenomenon is pretty universal. Generally speaking, my perception is that most gay men do not aspire to a "heteronormative" relationship and that they are more interested in NSA sex, open relationships, and partying. On the other hand, I think many gay men feel that coming out and participating in political activism, parades, and other activities and groups with out gay men is sufficient to be "successful." I hope that provides some clarity for you!
many men in their 50s were married and now divorced and want to be with men. Many things happen in life. This does not make one a failure. If society allowed for us to be who we are then maybe we would have made other choices. Imagine your life without your daughter I have 2 ex wives. I am okay with that.
you did not fail as a straight man or gay it is about love and relationships not if you stay married or not. Not sure why you think you failed. Many would love to have kids and here you have one.
I can definitely relate with much of what you have said. For one, staying in a marriage that did not work for years--figuring I didn't deserve any better anyway. So I stayed in the misery of the marriage, the end years were complete hell, and yet still I stayed. I was in my mid-40's when I acknowledged that I am gay. I do understand where you are coming from. I don't know that 'braver' is necessarily true. It just means they were ready to come out earlier. You weren't ready earlier, neither was I. And a quick scan of this Late in Life forum certainly proves there's lots of us just coming out in mid-life. We're all on our own timetable with this. You could flip this around. One of the reasons you may be prepared to enter a successful relationships is exactly because you have been in one that did not work. You know what you want in a relationship, and what you don't want. You will know red flags. You now living as the AUTHENTIC you, as a gay man. Automatically this will increase the sense of calm and peace you will carry with you into a relationship with a man. You won't be burdened by the anxiety of living in an inauthentic way. This in itself will start off any new relationship on better footing! I have struggled with some of the same things you have mentioned. But I wouldn't get real hung up on the idea of the possibility of 'failing' as a gay man. Truly this isn't like some Pass/Fail class we took in high school. There is no right or wrong way to be gay. Much like there is no right or wrong way to be straight. The important thing is to be the real you. Just like life in general, this is all a personal journey. EC has been really helpful to me so I would say keep visiting. You aren't alone (at all!). All the best to you!
I don't really have anything useful to add; I just wanted to say you wrote what I've been feeling. For me too, there is the wondering if I am "choosing" to be gay when I'm not because I've failed at a heterosexual marriage.
I wonder myself do I just try and forget these feelings I have and work harder at my marriage or stop now before it gets to late to do anything about it
The thing is and the way I see it is not so much about failing as a straight man, more that that was a no win situation, you were never a straight man, you tried to be one but you are not. The only way you can fail as a gay man is not to be one. There is no particular thing you need to do or be to be a successful gay man apart from being honest and true to yourself. Sure there is a chance you will not find a partner to share the rest of your life with but there is always that chance, gay straight or whatever. You are single now you have left your marriage so in a way you have nothing to lose. If you find someone you truly click with, you won't fail because it will come naturally to you I promise. I'm not saying a relationship won't need hard work they always do but not in the way trying to be straight was.
We've all felt uncertainties about the changes required to embrace our true sexuality, so this is natural. I had a slightly different take on the worry, I used the fact that I came out later in life as motivation to dive in and start being gay, while confronting the shame and internalized homophobia head on. I've found by doing so, it's not too late to be good at being gay. Getting started is probably the hardest part and once you start building momentum, it's gets easier over time. I will add that it's a lot easier being gay than pretending to be straight. I believe that everybody can find someone to date. The gay community is a confederation of many different subcultures, so the key is finding the right group for you. A support group of gay dads or guys from a mixed-orientation marriage would be a good place to start to start meeting gay friends and creating a support network. You might even find a guy to date. If not your support network can help you figure out how to meet the guy that you want. Maybe try a meetup focused on an activity that you enjoy. Realistically it will take time to figure this out, so don't expect immediate results. Remember a heteronormative adolescence can take 5+ years, so compressing this into 1-2 years would be a victory.
