Back again... Still lost. Not sure if straight, bi, gay, or plain asexual. HELP

So I’ve been perpetually confused since I thought I loved my best girl friend in high school after we both jokingly came out as bisexual – except the confusion stuck with me. I don’t know how I am anymore and think maybe I’m just asexual but want opinions.



At the time when it first started, my high school boyfriend was very boy next door innocent type, whom I always questioned might be gay. Lasted 1 month we kissed like once and I broke it off because I was bored and 15. A week later I get with an older guy make out with him (first time ever) basically call the best friend I was crushing on to rub it in her face (I don’t know my logic behind that). 1 week later I break up with him, make out with another dude a party, lock myself in a bathroom to cry and call her up again to do the same thing.



Same year on my birthday my bff says she wants to ‘practice’ making out with me since she never has. We go to a park, we’re both too nervous so nothing happens. Eventually I tell my friend that maybe I think I like her. I come out to my mom crying after I asked out my bff, got rejected and just really looking for support because I was half thinking maybe I made it all up in my head. She told me she thought I confused friendship for something more… I half hoped she was right but half-resented her because well what if I was right? Anyway I don’t date for the rest of high school.



First college boyfriend was very asexual unless drunk. I thought maybe it was because he was depressed and I can't lie I sort of felt unwanted. I actually found out years later that he was confused with his sexuality all along, which I got very upset about since I had once broken down to him about the same thing, to which he never even flinched. Then went off on my own just before a Christmas party he invited me to since I felt like a fraud and didn’t want.



Maybe one year later, one day I partied too after getting really mad at myself because start to think I like this girl at the party who looks like my HS friend. I drink myself to a stupor to numb my emotions about being sexually confused and got assaulted (I was a virgin at the time). So a day later, I rebound into a relationship with a guy I knew for 2 years prior that I would have never been in a relationship otherwise, think – think typical ‘bro’ redneck. I felt like every time we were together sexually I was trying to test myself. He was inexperienced which could have played a part in it but it was mostly ‘meh’, beating a dead horse or just something to do. When we made out I mostly zoned out to whatever girl-crush I was obsessing whether or not I was actually crushing on at the time. Double-think is a b**ch.



Anyway, maybe the trauma had something to do with it but I don’t know I never particularly felt like it did something to me, like why get over dramatic about one day in your life? Never been super emotional to start with ya know. I even when to rape-counselling but found myself talking more about my sexual confusion than anything. Eventually we just broke up sort out of nowhere. I can’t say I was really all that sad about it either.



Cue 2 years of voluntary celibacy, then eventually I tried dating women. I figured I’m sick of being confused and not getting any younger… people are getting married so maybe I should try and get out there again... So not having any LGBT friends I was stuck with online dating. Feels like a meat market. I don’t know if it points to anything but there seems to be more conventionally attractive guys picture wise than girls… Eventually I start to talk to someone who sounds good on paper (like checks ambition and life goals type thing). She isn’t the type I usually crush on looks wise but decide why not she’s not bad looking either. We talk, I land a date. We meet, and she looks … well how to I say it nicely… not bad but not as cute as I thought she would be but I let the date go on… because well that’s what I always did with men and figure maybe attraction will kick in. We ended the date making out a little bit but she’s a terrible kisser so I figure whatever maybe it’s a fluke…



Anyway so we meet on a second date. We go to a park after having food. One thing that got me on the first date even though I definitely have internalized homophobia is that she was all out and her confidence was hot (she was out at work, once had a speech at world pride and was a community organizer with LGBT blogs and such). At one point I try holding her hand and she’s like no saying it’s dangerous where we are although there’s literally no one around (ok???) I think it’s odd seeing what I wrote previously but let it go. So anyway we end the date in my car at her house. We make out a little and I close the light then she scolds me that I’m hiding (dah hell???) So then we head our separate ways eventually she like texts me it won’t work but I feel like shit. Thing is I don’t know if I felt bad because it didn’t work and I liked her or because I just feel so lost with dating and sexuality. I know you can’t force chemistry and attraction but it’s like I overthink everything.



That last date was a year ago. I know it’s obviously premature but I sort of gave up after that. I wish I could do casual sex but I just can’t. I don’t want STD’s, the chance of getting pregnant and really the thought of having sex with a random doesn’t really appeal to me. My mom actually came around the LGBT thing but now I’m the one doing the double think. When I think of it, I mostly if only, have only gone out with people that like me and not necessarily the other way around and just naively think why not? Maybe something will grow…



Each time I look at dating sites and talk to friends about it (I’m semi-out about my confusion) I feel like I should get back on the horse but then the thought of meeting randoms kind of pushes me away. I know there’s demi-sexuality but isn’t that like everybody? Sometimes I don’t feel like I even want to date at all but I don’t want to die alone ya know? I don’t know if I’m asexual because well, I like fapping and well don’t mind porn. And even though I’ve obviously had in the very least emotional crushes on women, could I really have sex with them? Or is my less then stellar track record with men messing me up? I don’t think it’s fair to date anyone when you feel like a fraud.



I'm attractive and charming enough that I think if I spotted someone I liked I could flirt myself into a relationship, but that's the easy part. What do I actually want is the hard part!!! What would you guys do? What do you all think?