last night me and my girlfriend of 15 months broke up. We had it figured out: go to college, find a place, don't have kids but maybe adopt one, lean on each other to fight our respective mental illnesses. Then, about a month and a half ago, she joined the fire department as a volunteer first responder. Suddenly, I wasn't seeing her at much. My mental health took a turn for the worse. For the past three weeks, I've only seen her for a couple hours a week, and it was crushing me. So I met up with her last night and we decided to break it off. Problem being for me, we both still love each other. I'm already doubting myself: what if I'd given it time? The option was there. She'd insisted that she was trying, and I could tell, but the time just wasn't there. But what if i had waited? What if I had learned to be able to live in that relationship? I feel like I'm giving up when there's more I could do...
One thing that stands out to me from your post i the part about "leaning on each other to fight our mental illnesses." It's good that you were able to help each other, but the problem with doing this in a relationship is that it asks a lot of the other person - and also puts the two of you in a kind of trap, where the end of the relationship means the end of your support network as well. Or even, as you found out, if one person suddenly has different time commitments, the other may feel neglected (and with good reason - if your counselor, support network, and significant other all disappear at once, who wouldn't feel abandoned?). My best suggestion would be to try to figure out other people in your life who can help give you support. This could be friends, family, a counselor, maybe coworkers - anyone who's willing to lend an ear from time to time. A significant other can be part of this as well, but they generally shouldn't be the sole source. As for your relationship, perhaps there's still a chance to talk and work things out, or maybe there isn't. But I would recommend taking the time to build a support network either way. If there's a chance to work things out, that may well be the first step. Good luck!
I can't speak on if the breakup was a good decision or not, although I do have a perspective on long-term relationships. Life goes through phases of chaos and calm. In a long term relationship, your relationship is there through both, even if sometimes time is short for being together. Using myself and my partner as an example.... I have certain times of the year where I am run ragged with work, times when family gets in the way, and times where my own mental illness becomes a hindrance to our time together. During these times he might only see me in the most sporadic of sense. I also have times of the year where I can commit to hours and hours together. He waits through those busy times, savoring what time he can get with me when he can, and then cherishes the times when my time is more free for the taking. He doesn't break up with me because 10 or 12 or even 20 weeks out of the year he might see me far too little of me to satisfy either of us. A long term relationship doesn't mean everything is going to be perfect all the time. It means that you're still together... even through the rough times.
Thank you two so much. Both of those replies gave me a bit more of perspective. My current plan is to give it a couple days to help me clear my head before doing anything drastic. I texted her my thoughts on giving up but it's not solely my choice, so we'll see. In the mean time I've already startled on the support network and started working out possibile coping mechanisms if we decide trying again is something we want to do. If not, then I'll leave knowing it was a decision made by us both.
Update: we talked it through and she told me she couldn't keep doing this in the situation that we were in, despite me explaining my intentions. I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I had, so I let it go and walked away
I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out. It's good that you've started looking around for more of a support network, and I'm also glad you gave things one last shot, for what it's worth. You're taking the right steps.
Any advice on coping with the aftermath at this point? I feel a bit betrayed and confused because if she still loved me, then why is she not willing to try? At the same time, it's bittersweet because she has found a safe space where she is incredibly happy, just doesn't involve me being in it with her. I could use some tips on dealing with the hurt...
Sometimes, no matter how much two people love each other, it just doesn't work out. It's kinda the situation I'm going through with my estranged wife. She can't handle the fact I may be gender dysphoric (and thus needing to transition) and uttered the "D" word about a month ago. We're gonna try and work things out, but I have my doubts. Regardless, the best thing you can do, is try and put the pain of the break-up behind you and find different ways of occupying your mind and time. Find a hobby, hang out with friends, watch T.V. or play video games. The hurt isn't gonna go away right away, but finding something to take your mind off of it, and people to hang out with, will make things much easier
