How to tell my husband AGAIN that I am gay and it not going to go away

@zumbaqueen, I relate to your situation sooooooo much, you have no idea. I obviously can't tell you what to do, but just given what you've shared, and everything I have lived through, I really see divorce as your only option. I can't imagine a solution without it. Only divorce and separate homes would give EACH OF YOU the space you need to pursue another relationship that might fulfill you.

Coming at it from there, I'd say you don't even need to discuss your sexuality with him anymore. You can just say you want a divorce. And start going through the process. That's what I did. My sexuality did not have to even enter into the discussion with my ex because the marriage was clearly broken. Going over all the MANY reasons was not going to be constructive in any way.

Much love to you. I am so empathetic to what you are describing. The alienation... not talking... no sex... no ANYTHING... the years of passively accepting his moods, demands, control issues. UGH.

 

I'm not saying it has no bearing. In fact, it might be the root cause of the marriage's failure. I certainly consider my sexuality a big reason for why I got into my marriage in the first place. If I hadn't been gay, I would have surely picked a different kind of man. But, what I'm saying is that it might not make sense to make it the focus of your conversations with HIM. Because, though it's likely that your sexuality is a big factor, the main point is that you don't have a marriage, and that's on both of you. You don't have to accept all the blame or take on all the responsibility. Your marriage is broken, and life sucks sometimes. It sounds to me like you need to live separately to really come to terms with everything.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that it can be both. You are gay AND you never had a good marriage. But it takes two people to make a marriage, so don't take on the whole burden. You can just accept that things are not right, and it's time to move on. It doesn't have to be ONLY about your homosexuality. Nothing is ever that simple or cut and dry.

 

When my relationship ended with my kids' mother, there were plenty of reasons (other than my sexuality) for it to just end.
There had been times where I considered just rooming together so that the financial burdens could be split, but then also knew there was just too much history between us to really make that work.
I have spent the last two years basically living off my credit cards from month to month and working 64-75 hours a week just to try and keep afloat. It is stressful and scary and some days I don't know how I manage to keep it all together.
Point being, it IS possible. I am worse off financially for sure, but quite honestly, it is worth every bit of the struggle. I don't have to feel like I'm subjugating myself just to pacify her. The kids fair better because I am in a much better frame of mind, more calm, more myself.
I'm not trying to launch into some personal diatribe, rather to just let you know some of the realities from someone who has been there.
There are many days where (should you choose to split) you will wonder what the hell you've done, but there are many more where you will just take a deep breath and truly be grateful that you can finally live your life and be free to be the person you truly want to be.

 

I know, sweetheart, but really that isn't true. He has played a part. You might have chosen a different kind of man if you weren't gay, but once in the marriage, it took two of you to make or break it. Don't think he doesn't bear some responsibility.

Even though I've accepted I've always been a raging homosexual and had no business marrying my ex, that doesn't mean he gets off scot-free. If he had been a better person, more caring, more compassionate, less belittling, we could have made it. Lord knows I wanted it to work and did my best.

 

Hey zumbaqueen, I think the others have all made good points, it's not all on you.

I've been hanging around EC a while now (a bit like a bad smell haha) and I can certainly say when it comes to later in life married people there are definitely 2 categories, I mean I'm not saying everyone is the same or fits perfectly in the categories of course everyone is unique but the 2 main differences are, group 1 come and say help I'm gay but my partner is the best person in the world, I love them but just not like that and everything else is perfect and we make a great team etc. The other group are like, I'm married but my marriage isn't great, I've always been more of a peacemaker and gone along with what they wanted, I liked them to begin with but now I'm really not fussed and we are basically existing together like room mates.

I see you in the second group zumbaqueen and I'm sure you would agree. I'm not saying either group is easy to be in or get out of but I agree with RJay. Let's just forget about current or future dating for a second. Even if you were never going to date anyone ever again, what would you stay in your current relationship for apart from your daughter? I think regardless of your sexuality your relationship is over.

 

I could have written that two months ago. And look at me now. As you know, I'm not finding any of this easy, but I do not for one moment regret ending my marriage. Change is so hard, but one thing I guarantee you... your daughter will be fine, and probably much better if she sees you as strong enough to take risks and pursue joy. Nobody whose parents weren't a good match is happy as an adult that their parents stayed together. I hate that my parents stayed together. It was sad to grow up in a loveless home. We serve our children better by pursuing joy, whatever that may look like. Even if we don't achieve the joy, it's better for them if we try!

I wish I could get coffee with you and talk about this!

 

I'm curious... if you don't mind saying, how long have you been in your relationship and how old is your daughter? And how old are you? It just might help us understand the situation even better.

 

Hey Zumbaqueen, I have a question (sorry you are probably sick of them) what is your biggest fear if you leave your husband?