I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Rjay I think she MUST know you have feelings for her now. Like surely there is now no way it can't have occurred to her now.

I think touching her face, kissing her tear strewn cheek, running your hand through her hair...all sounds pretty romantic and definetly more than a friendship. She sounds like she obviously enjoys and is comfortable with this kind of physical affection with another women.

Still crossing my fingers for this romance!

 

Oh RJay, (*hug*). There are always going to be moments of down. I know you don't think you are dealing with it well but you honestly are, I would have crumbled long ago.

I have a question, would you ever consider asking V if she has questioned her sexuality? I wonder if you could at a moment when she isn't feeling quite as bad, steer the topic to yourself and get to talking about how you finally started questioning your sexuality and how all these things from your past seemed to fall into place and then just as a side note ask if she has ever experienced any questioning?
I'm just thinking maybe if she hears more of your story it will reasonate with some parts of her life (if that is what is going on here). You know like when you read a thread on EC and you think to yourself, damn I could have written that, and often the way the original poster wrote it is a way you hadn't neccesarily considered but it enlightening.

 

RJay,
I woke up this morning thinking about this woman I met as part of this progressive church singles group. It created a lot of anxiety, mainly, I think, because it was just a reminder of something that could have happened in the past, and did not because of my state of not being out and not really being authentic.

She was all over me, meaning things like we shared a tent and she really snoozed up to me, she would always sit real close, when we went on a trip she even made suggestive comments. But the thing with this friendship was that neither of us were in a place where we could comfortably make a move and make this more. We both were attractied to each other, and I think she was expecting me to make the big move, and I just felt incapable at the time. So, the potential relationship fizzled. A part of me still feels bad when I think of her.

So, just a thought. Someone has to make the first move otherwise this dance will go on forever. And, after awhile, it just turns into frustration.

 

Just read the whole thread and hope it works out for you


QUOTE="RJay, post: 6497520, member: 83039"]Thanks for sharing that. Was she out as gay at the time? Yes, maybe since I'm "out" the move needs to come from me. How long can this rationally go on without at least talking about it or just going for broke? Probably doesn't have to be before the end of the summer, but as I was saying a few weeks ago, it seems that by then we are going to have to get some clarity on the situation. I don't see starting up the school year and my teaching schedule with this still in such an ambiguous state. The frustration is quite draining.[/QUOTE]

 

What it's boiling (chose that verb) down to is whether she can love you. Not anything else about identity bla bla. You are going to have to ask her. But OMG how?

 

Haha make sure you let us know how it goes.

 

You know we are all going to want an update.

 

yes we must be kept updated - im super committed to this thread now

 

How was the date???

 

Maybe this is too simplistic but I wonder if starting the school year will actually help. Not that it will dampen the feelings you have for her. But you are quite passionate about your music, and I imagine passionate about teaching as well. It will at the very least be something you have to focus on. Bonus points that you teach piano...something (else) you love!

As a side note...

So true! I watched 'Tig' on Netflix. WOW! Beautiful story, and both of them are so funny--what great personalities and attitudes! What a beautiful story of how it can happen, and MUCH later in life, where the girl DOES get the girl and ride off into the sunset. Thx for recommending this movie!

And for sure, keep us updated

 

[/QUOTE]

Yes, Yes, to everything you wrote here. Just please remember you wrote this, from your rational mind, just in case this does not go the way you would like. Excellent perspective!

I have been there, pining after straight women, trying to figure out their ambivalence, and spending my time thinking something will change. But I an out at a deeper level now, and the mirror of life reflects back to us who we are inside. If I am not out and authentic, I am going to attract to myself women who are questioning and unsure.

 

No one likes to hurt obviously. But I am thinking the hurt and pain around the loneliness right now is so intense because you have turned a corner in a way. Not long ago you were still working the premise, 'I'm not wired for romantic love, I don't need it (yet simultaneously feeling the lack of 'something' and resulting depression). Now you have realized you do want and need romantic love, that you want to fill that space in your life where something had been lacking so long. You KNOW you need and deserve love now, just like everyone else and I imagine THAT is why it's hurting so much more now than in years past. In years past you could have just blown off the hurt of it all as, 'oh well I'm not wired for that anyway...'. Now you're actually feeling the hurt because you do want it. Which sucks, but in an inside out way is actually a good thing--to feel it.

Feeling it will propel you to getting exactly what you want/deserve in life. (No doubt!) Maybe with V, or maybe with some cute woman you meet at your next piano conference. (Is there even such a thing as piano conferences?)

No matter what V has been the trigger to sparking these new ( or more like buried) feelings in you. However it ends up with her---she will ALWAYS be special because of this.

We do!

 

Again, Moonsparkle gets the Zen of it. The hurt you are feeling now is what makes possible the ecstasy (OK I go overboard) you are aiming for. It's like the same currency.

Now, it's getting to the point where you have numerous opportunities to escalate things — those kisses could start drifting, or maybe you ask "Are we becoming girlfriends?". We (just us nosy wingpeople) need to know if she can love you.