So, I'm fairly sure I'm gay, or at least bi and inclined towards men, as my romantic and pornographic habits have both tilted in that direction over the years (romantic in the sense of aspirational hopes, what makes me go "aww", sort of thing), and I am attracted to men both in fantasy, and in person. However, when I see two men having sex, its a turn off. I've had sex with a man, so its not a turn off to be a part of it, but viewing it from a distance it is. Kissing, sex, whatever. I dont get too aroused at the idea of a guy blowing me, either, for the similar aesthetic reason. Is this just an instance of internalized homophobia, or is it 'normal' enough for someone to enjoy giving a blowjob, but not receiving it, or alternately, to enjoy gay sex, but be off put by pornography? *To clarify a bit on pornographic habits, if I watch two guys rail eachother from behind, all is good. Its when I can see both males faces that something in me go "uhhh". If internalized homophobia, any suggestions on how to overcome this? (barring therapy and the like, as I cant afford something like that).
You certainly do not have to like porn, but what is about two guy's faces that make you go "uhhh"? You've stated your sexual attraction quite clearly, but what about your romantic attraction towards men (intimacy, non-sexual stuff)? Porn is quite one sided, and something they always leave out is the relationship/romance part of it.
I dont know precisely. Its like seeing a bearded man suck a dick, its a little...I guess the feeling, is that its a bit unmanly? A disconnect between appearance/action? It just feels a little bizarre to me, even though at the same time, I want it. You know the mere mentioning of this outloud makes me think its just shame and embarrassment to some extent, but I dont know. I've had crushes on men, and ive been intimate with a man, it was nice. I could see myself loving a guy, and I want a romantic relationship with one. Which is why this disconnect is bugging me. I can like something, and engage in it, but if i were to see it from a third person perspective it takes me right out of it.
Just a thought, but could it be maybe you're not particularly attracted to their faces? Watching guys make out (that I don't find attractive) wouldn't do much of anything for me either. Sometimes porn just seems pretty stupid anyway. Watching guys who are not my type, or sometimes the horrible dialogue (if you can call it that) can really kill things for me.
It could be internalized homophobia. Internalized homophobia is the belief that there is something wrong with yourself for being gay due to constant exposure of a heternormative script established by society or from expression of homophobia. And if you fell bad about yourself because of such messages, that could be classic internalized homophobia. The idea is to manage the shame, build confidence, self esteem and self worth, and learn to love yourself for whom you are! When you do, you will manage the IH.
