30 years of denial

Aww RJay, I get why you feel frustration and anger with the thirty years you denied your gayness but it is what has made you who you are. I mean I agree it would be great if society didn't do this to people and for sure it's getting better but the best bit of news is you did it, a little later than you might have liked but you found the real you and it's not too late for you to enjoy it.

 

RJ - so many similar experiences/feelings. It's hard not to get angry sometimes, right?! I blame shitty romcoms/sitcoms that tell people (everybody loves raymond comes to mind as the perfect example) that everyone is frustrated by their spouse, exhausted, and unhappy. It reinforced, to me at least, and through what I know realize was a really unhealthy home dynamic growing up, that all relationships are dysfunctional so my heterosexual one was right on track or better actually because we like each other even though I'm not fulfilled. There's so much unhealthy messaging out there

 

So interesting! Pinpointing that moment all these years later. Feeling the need to come up with an answer for your piano teachers question, the 'quest' to find a guy in your school to have a crush on. And then attempting to fit yourself into the role of 'Girl with a Crush on Evan in Jazz Band'.

My late in life story is a bit different but the common theme is definitely how much we just defaulted to the 'norm.' The belief that straight WAS the only option--so much so there was zero insight into the fact that there were 'settings' other than the default setting of straight! And yup--thirty years later here we are, after investing in years in our marriages. And FINALLY we see it all so clearly now. It would be too cool if we could get in a time machine and go back to 9th grade and start this all again. Knowing what we know now AND being as brave as we are now! We can't go back, but as was mentioned all of it--everything has made us what we are and brought us to where we are today.

Recently I added 'I Am Woman' by Helen Reddy to my playlist. It is such a classic song of strength! I love the lyrics, especially the lines in bold. I know the song isn't about this-- but I think it's also a great theme song for the 'journey to authenicity' so many of us are in the midst of. Maybe it is a good one to play (and listen to it LOUD) if you start feeling too hung up on the 'thirty years later' thing!!! (That can get to me too on my bad days! Like why did I 'waste' all that time?) I guess we just need to remember the wisdom we have gained through all of it.

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal

 

Crikey. This post resonates with me.

 

I am totally going with this theory! I'm definitely book/career smart but have always had a keen sense of social norms and cues which I think made it easier for me to hide on that subconscious level. I'm really good at reading people and figuring out what motivates them and how to interact on a personal level. All of that probably enhanced that feeling of abnormality/denial!

 

So much of this post hits home for me Rjay.

 

I agree with you RJay, the intellect makes it easy to reason youself out of your true feelings. I was a straight A student, 4.0 graduate from a prestigious university and I hold a high level corporate job and I am an officer of the company. I reasoned myself out of the truth for 25 years.

 

And for those of you who have wondered, yes I'm an excellent Zumba instructor as well. Lol.

 

I totally love this theory too, Rjay. I was always an A student and have been self aware and intellectual. I have always written in my journal and have been introspective. I think I am good at convincing myself of things.

 

I wonder what came first with our skills? Were we always good at convincing ourselves of things or did some significant cognitive dissonance (like knowing we were different) start it all?

 

I'm sorry to read of your frustration Rjay and can also totally relate to your feelings. I am 32 and didn't even start to question my sexuality until I was 29, after having had two disastrous relationships with men in my 20s. I consider myself a fairly intelligent person too but I am also extremely good at denial - it is a speciality in my family I think! I am very grateful to have realised my true self now, even if I am currently unable to share it with anyone who knows me. One day, one day...

 

I remember my best friend, who I really liked, asking me what celebrity I had a crush on and I panicked and said Clint Eastwood. I really liked his persona but didn't like him sexually. I always thought of myself as a late boomer or what I know now as asexual. Apparently liking your female best friend wasn't a big enough of a clue.

 

This! I was in love with my best friend. And I had not quite a crush but definitely a thing for Freddie Mercury and later Oscar Wilde... lol... their (very gay) persona, obvs.

Rjay, those 30 years... It makes sense all the various emotions that are overwhelming a lot of us late in lifers. Going back, step by step, so far into the past to reclaim a part of us we left there, it's not a walk in the park. But I like to think whatever happened was for a reason, so you could arrive with exactly the experience you gathered on the way to exactly this point in time and space and be exactly who you are right now. The reason may not be clear now but who knows, it could all make sense one day.

 

I can totally relate to this. I had so many people telling me that me and my husband were the perfect couple, we never argued. However it took me over 30 years to realise that does not mean we had nothing to argue about. We were just too scared to actually do it.

 

I didn't have romantic feelings towards my female best friend (still my best friend). However, I do remember crying in my bed at night over the fact that she had discovered boys in a big way and I hadn't - I felt that I might've lost her forever - that we'd never be close again. I was wrong. We are still close and she is like a sister to me.