Really confused!

Hello everyone

(Sorry, I see this is really really long, I just wanted/needed to get it all out.)

I just wanted to talk about what has happened to me over the past week because I feel very confused about it.

In my teens I wondered if I was gay but never consciously felt attraction to other girls. I used to have a list of boys that I liked. Yet I asked my best friend what she would do if I were gay and she got really uncomfortable about it. I think I must have come across the concept of being gay on TV or something and it resonated with me in a way I didn't understand.

Anyway by the time I was in my twenties I knew consciously that I liked women, and talked about it a lot! Yet I still had a boyfriend. Which now i think I did because that's what you did. I had an encounter with a female flatmate when I was in my early thirties which ended in disaster then i ended up with a man whom I married and was with for ten years. During the time we were married we decided to have an open relationship because we both liked people of our own gender, so I had a girlfriend for a while when I was in my late thirties.

Since I split from my husband there has been no one but a couple of encounters with men and for the last few months I've been thinking that I no longer liked women. Now, I actually believe this was me telling myself something because it seemed like I would never have the opportunity again (for whatever reason) so denying it was better than that psychological pain.

Over the years I've had crushes on women, but the women have always been in relationships with men or talked about boyfriends and I was just happy to admire them and be happy in their company when I saw them. Apart from my flatmate (who asked me how I knew she liked girls, and I had no idea I just did) and my girlfriend when i was married.

Anyway, a week ago, I was at a function at work in the evening and a new woman who has worked there for a month was there. In retrospect I realise I was noticing her quite a bit but for some reason (because I didn't know who she was) I assumed she was a client so was happy just to admire (without consciously admitting I was admiring). Then I saw her in a staff area and asked a colleague who she was. I then introduced myself and suddenly there was an explosion of static in my head - like if your radio suddenly loses frequency - and I went all "funny" and I was totally startled by this, and could barely speak to her!

This totally freaked me out as it's never happened to me before in my life ever. And I still don't know what it was or what it means (if anything).

And this is the bit I just can't explain and which is confusing me. Over the course of the next day or two, I felt like I realised that my male relationships had been based on the expectation that women like men therefore I like men. And weren't actually "real". And also that I just have no real interest in men.

So now I'm thinking "I am a lesbian. Am I a lesbian?" and it terrifies me. And this I don't understand either. What's wrong with being a lesbian? I ask myself this and all the answer I get is that I don't want to be a lesbian.I'm different enough and this is just yet another difference between me and "normal" people. I'm also thinking , well, I'll like a man soon and it will all be alright. Then I get worried because I don't want to like men again because I don't like them. Then I think but you did like them why don't you like them now, and why don't you want to like them?

Does this sound familiar to anyone because I just don't know what's going on and it's confusing and a bit frightening?

I would really appreciate a pointer or two if anyone has any.

Thank you very much.

 

Hello Thank you very much for your reply.

Yes, I do feel very blessed that I'm not still embroiled in marriage. It was an awful few years that took a lot of strength in the end to extricate myself from. I'm lucky not to have to deal with all that at this point in time because I know how traumatic that must be for others.

No, I've never considered myself to be straight! There's no doubt about that! I think what has confused me is that, whilst being able to accept that, it confuses me as to why I have such an aversion to being lesbian. I hate even writing the word (which is a sad thing indeed I think). I wonder now, having got all that off my chest here last night, if the testing of the waters with my best friend by asking her what she'd think and her unfavourable reaction just pushed me into hiding it.

I have other mental health considerations and I've been in therapy with a clinical psychologist for the last year in order to try and deal with them. Only a few weeks ago I made a major breakthrough and realised something (not connected with my sexuality) that shook me up quite a bit because it showed me how much I'd been experiencing avoidance about uncomfortable thoughts and feelings throughout my whole life. I have difficulties with relationships and regulating my emotions (or I did at least, I'm much improved with the help of my psychologist, and feel like a normally functioning woman now). I wonder if all the work I've done there has caused a shift in my mind that has suddenly enabled other truths to find their way into the open.

In a way it feels as if a weight is slowly being lifted from me, which feels wonderful and is enabling me to concentrate on other things than the weight I was carrying around, but at the same time the weight provided a safe place and I could easily and comfortably hide under it. I now feel more exposed - not just with my sexuality - and that, of course, is something to get used to.

One of the more distressing thoughts that I will have to get used to and eventually accept is that I'm now middle aged and have wasted a lot of years.

Coming here and just explaining how I feel has helped a great deal, especially since I now see others have been and are going through very similar things. The internet can be a wonderful place indeed.

 

Hi,

I really liked what you said to someone on another thread about wandering about for years with this raging gayness that we weren't aware of - it really made me laugh! I've always liked women, but it's been an undercurrent to my belief in my liking for men.

I'm already feeling better - just writing my initial post and getting it off my chest helped. Then reading other threads here has helped me realise that it's not just me.

As for the liking women thing, there's a woman I meet every morning just to say hello to and I realise now my discomfort at seeing her every morning was because I found her physically extremely attractive and this didn't fit with what I'd been telling myself about not liking women any more, so I've been trying to avoid her in order to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

The one huge relief here is that in my narrative I'd decided I could only look for men in their mid to late fifties to settle down with because that's how things were going to be as a middle age woman. I am now freed from that and able to appreciate all the loveliness of women!

At the moment, I'm having little moments where I remember times when friends would talk about men and I'd be thinking "huh?" and not getting it. Like biceps and chests and stuff. Never understood the attraction there. And having crushes on male actors. Nope, never. There were some things about my husband I eventually found attractive but they certainly weren't immediate. On the other hand, I've *always* found women physically attractive.

 

Thanks Moonsparkle! Yes, exactly this!

The whole thing has left me in a position where I don't really know how to have a relationship. The two I had with men (an enagement and a marriage) were based on a belief that I must like men, and neither was very psychologically healthy. And the two very shortlived ones with women were based on my belief that every now and again I would scratch an itch because it was okay to be a bit bi, then it'd go away again. So, all in all, I've never actually had an authentic romantic relationship with another person. I went through a phase of having lots of one night stands with men which were all awful.

Going out with a woman whilst I was married brought all kinds of baggage as I'm fundamentally monogamous, but there were some parts that were really wonderful. Having a special female romantic friend is something I really miss. When I kissed her, I felt all kinds of things I never felt with a man, but quickly boxed them all up and put them away so I didn't have to take responsibility and deal with them. I now realise how much I miss the wonderful times I had with my girlfriend. They were ten years ago now.

A truly authentic relationship, now I don't have to consider trying to fit men into the equation, is something I'd like very much.

 

Thanks angelscrzy.

 

Oh gosh yes, both my relationships with men have been me falling into them and just going along with things because that's what people did. I got engaged to my first boyfriend because that's what happened after a while of going out. He was a transvestite and now I see something behind my liking for him dressing as a woman! I ended up married to my second boyfriend because that's how it was supposed to be, so I went for it and was the driving force behind it. I'm cringing now just thinking about it.

The thought that one day I might find myself attracted to a man leaves me feeling a bit nauseous! I really don't want that to happen. I've never liked sex with men much in the past other than the physical response to the stimulus, which I think is another aspect that made me think that I must like men. If I didn't like them then how come....

It's so good to be here and to read that other people have had very similar experiences and beliefs. It's really helpful, thank you.

 

wrt sex, my only interest in it was doing the act and getting it over with. I was clock watching and it was about notches on the bedpost. If it went on for too long I'd just switch off. Case in point: I was having sex with my husband and suddenly, out of the blue, I said "D'you think we need onions?" LOLOL In my head I was in the kitchen writing a shopping list. He wasn't very pleased. LOLOL In the latter part of our marriage, I'd think, "OMG! It's January, we haven't had sex since last January", so I'd initiate it, but once or twice was enough till the next year. Bizarrely, when I ended the marriage, we went at it like rabbits for about a fortnight, I guess all the stress about our actual relationship had melted to some extent. It came back, of course, and the split and divorce were traumatic, but that first couple of weeks....we almost liked one another.

I think the physical sensations of sex can confuse things a lot. Make you think that you must like the entire package because you've had an orgasm. I suppose a good way to look at it is, you can use a sex toy to stimulate yourself and have an orgasm, but you're not sexually or romantically attracted to sex toys (usually...). They're just a means to an end. I think that's helpful for me to consider that, makes why I had sex with men clearer. It also explains all the one night stands. I really should have bought a vibrator much sooner than I did...............................