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How to support transgender siblings?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by starrygalaxysky, Jul 13, 2017.

  1. Ok, so my little sister (who was born a boy) recently came out as transgender. she told us that she is a girl, not a boy, and that she now wants to be called Rose (rather than Ross) and we should use she/her as her pronouns. We've just moved house, and she's started a new school, where lots of other kids are asking her questions about her gender and why she looks like a boy and stuff like that. I don't think they are trying to be mean, I just think they might not be considering her feelings and might be being a little bit insensitive.

    Does anyone know anyways I could support her? My older sister bought her a badge which has "she/her" written on it, so people know what pronouns they should use. But I'm not really sure what other ways I can help her. I just want to support her anyway I can, because she's my little sister, and I love her, no matter what gender she is, and I hate seeing her upset.
     
  2. skittlz

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    Well first, I'm not trans, so I hope maybe some people here who are trans can give better input, and correct me if needed. :blush:

    The fact that you care for her is a great start! I suppose one way to be supportive is to be a person she can talk to and trust when times may be difficult. It may be nice to try to learn more about support groups she could find and such. Ultimately, Rose knows best as to how she wants you to support her, so I think asking her could give you a better idea.

    When it comes to wording, most of the time people who are trans refer to the gender they don't identify with as the gender they were assigned to at birth, vs born as. I have also heard that if one were to accidentally misgender someone in a conversation, it's better not to put too much attention to that, and just use the correct pronoun from then on.

    I think many people may ask those questions out of ignorance, rather than of ill intent. Sometimes it may be difficult for Rose to always answer or listen to those rude questions. Talk with her and see how you could help in those situations where you're there. Does she want you to stand up and speak against those questions? Or would she rather have you gently steer the conversation to a different direction?
     
  3. thank you so much! I'll make sure to remember that. Thank you for the advice (づ。◕‿‿◕。)づ it has been really helpful. we had a nice conversation about things i could do to help her. so, thank you again and remember to be awesome (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧
     
  4. FoxEars

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    As a trans person myself, female to male, I suggest helping her to be who she wants to be is the best choice. If she wants to wear make up, help her and teach her to do it. If she wants to wear female clothes, help her choose the right ones for her. Don't force her to do something she doesn't want, and keep up with the great work! Simply accepting her and showing her she is loved is a massive step! When I came out to my mum, I could have done with some of that help but I live with a very homophobic and transphobic family. I can't imagine how happy she is to have you as a sister, and you using the right name and pronouns helps others to do the same.
     
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  5. skittlz

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    "remember to be awesome"....is that by any chance from John Green? :grinning: (I'm a nerdfighter so...)
     
  6. yeah haha. he's amazing
     
  7. yeah that's a really good idea. i can definetely teach her about makeup and clothes, if that's what she wants. i'm so sorry you had to live with a homophobic/transphobic family. don't ever forget that you are amazing!!

    also, do you have any advice on how to help my sister deal with our parents? they're not really transphobic, but they don't really understand what Rose is going through. do you have any advice on how I could explain it to them, in a way they would understand?
     
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  8. FoxEars

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    Thank you for the support!

    I'll do this in bullet point form to make it easier.
    -Male and female brains differ in shape
    -When a person is transgender, their brain shape is different to their assigned sex, so Rose does not have a "male brain".
    -Rose doesn't have a "female brain" either, but it most likely resembles that more than the "male brain"
    -This means that Rose feels dissociation from her body, and would prefer it to match the brain she has, which is mostly feminine.
    -This makes Rose feel sad about being born male, and therefore wants to present as female.
    -They may not understand the struggle and obstacles Rose is facing in her mind, but should do their best to respect her and her needs. (Notice I said needs, because she NEEDS to be supported fully with her name and her pronouns, because what is worse than your parents refusing to help with something that costs them nothing?)
    -They may make mistakes at first, but if they ask Rose to correct them on things that they do wrong or make her uncomfortable and learn from this they can quickly pick it up.
    -They may be "losing" a son, but they are gaining a happier and more comfortable daughter.
     
  9. thank you for that. I'm going to try and use that explanation to try and help them understand. this is a really good explanation, far better than the one I was going to use!
     
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  10. FoxEars

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    I'm glad I could help!
    I have a question, though you do not need to answer it. How did you first feel when your sister came out to you? What do you feel now and what do you think changed your view- if at all?
     
  11. umm, i'm not sure. I felt quite surprised when she told me, but honestly, looking back, I don't really see why I was. I kind of had a feeling that she might've been transgender. When she was younger, before she came out, she would always call herself my sister, and she would get really upset if my parents introduced her as a boy, and she always told people she was a girl. My parents and I just thought she was joking, to be honest. And she was always obsessed with doing what all the other little girls at school were doing, because she always wanted to be just like them.

    Honestly, I'm just happy for her. She's definitely been much happier since she came out to everyone. I know she really prefers female pronouns, and being called Rose. At first I was a little bit confused, because I can't really relate to what she's going through, being a cis female and not knowing much about being transgender (which is the sole reason I joined this website, just to find out more about how to help her). But I've put that feeling aside, and I'm just trying to make sure she's happy and feels supported. No matter what gender she is, I would still love her. I just wish my parents could support her too.

    I used the explanation you gave me (thank you again for that!), and my parents understand now. But they don't really support it. They're always saying things like "she's too young to know" and "it's just a phase that she'll grow out of soon". Neither of which is true. This is their daughter, their child, why can't they just support her and love her??
     
  12. Spot

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    Wow, you're such a great big sister :heart:
    Just in regards to your parents, it might take them some time to get used to...it seems they're trying to be supportive but it'll take them some time to adjust. It would be a bit of a surprise to them, they were expecting a son but got a daughter. Sometimes parents go through a 'mourning' period because it feels like they're losing a child. My mom always used to say that if I transitioned, it would felt like her daughter was dead and she got a son instead. But I wonder and this is an important question, would your parents rather have a happy daughter or an unhappy son? You could explain to them that Rose is the same person regardless of her gender. They're not 'losing' anybody. She still has the same personality, the same likes and dislikes. She's still their child. Maybe it's hard for them to see that right now.
     

  13. you're probably right haha. I mean it would be a little weird if you were expecting one child but got a different one instead. i have explained to them that she is still the same person, several times, but i think my parents are still a little bit shocked. I think they're just waiting for it all to settle down and set in their mind. and yeah, they might be losing a son, but they're gaining a daughter. (i did ask them the question, and they both said they'd rather have a happy daughter.)

    but the thing is, they always said they wanted another girl before Rose was born, as I have a big sister and three brothers, because then my parents would have 3 boys and 3 girls. (does that make sense?). and now they have this daughter they always desperately wanted, and they have 3 kids of each gender, just like they wanted. so why aren't they happy for Rose?
     
  14. purplepuppy

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    I don't know about her but for me it was the little things, make deals with her like you paint her toenails and she paints yours, help her with makeup, when/if she buys female clothing offer to go with her; little everyday things make so much difference.
     
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