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All the emotions today.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by NeonSocks, Jul 20, 2017.

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  1. NeonSocks

    NeonSocks
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    I think I just need to write this all out more as a way to get my thoughts straight than anything else.

    I have been on the journey to self acceptance for about seven months now. Up to this point, I haven't really allowed myself to feel all the emotions swirling through my mind. The feelings of uncertainty, hurt, pain, happiness, and those that I can't fully identify.

    I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of keeping things together, and then this morning it all hit me. Sitting in my office at work I started to cry. It seemed so out of the blue, but those sneaky thoughts have a way of creeping into your mind at the least convenient time.

    I realize now that I hadn't truly allowed myself that moment. The moment I need most of just utter release. The moment to feel weak and and scared vulnerable.

    There is so much uncertainty in my life right now, but at the end of the day I will pick myself up and keep fighting.

    I know there are a lot of us late in lifers working through similar situations and I just want to tell you all to continue to be strong!

    Sorry this has become so long. I just needed to get it all off my chest.
     
    #1 NeonSocks, Jul 20, 2017
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  2. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Vent away. I need the little hug emoji from the old EC. (*hug*).
     
    #2 silverhalo, Jul 20, 2017
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  3. leb10

    leb10
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    Hey NeonSocks - it's ok too feel all the things! You're doing great! Really. This journey is a big thing and such a mind bender. Sending lots of support your way :slight_smile:
     
    #3 leb10, Jul 20, 2017
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  4. Peterpangirl

    Peterpangirl
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    I get that, I do. The tears welling up all of a sudden and having to be curbed if it's an inappropriate place.
     
    #4 Peterpangirl, Jul 20, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2017
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  5. Searching1

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    I'm so sorry. I've had plenty of those moments and it is so intense at times! It is good to let yourself feel sad and scared and fall apart sometimes. My therapist keeps telling me this too. The emotions definitely come in waves. I am fine some days, great some, and scared sh*tless others. It's a crazy ride we are on. Hugs!
     
    #5 Searching1, Jul 20, 2017
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  6. NeonSocks

    NeonSocks
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    Thank you all!

    This place has been amazing and truly has helped me in more ways than I could have ever imagined.
     
    #6 NeonSocks, Jul 20, 2017
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  7. NeonSocks

    NeonSocks
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    That's just it. It was like oh come on now, do we have to do this here?! :slight_smile:

    I think the thing that really set me off today was a text from my partner. We have been together 10 years and this has not been easy on him or our relationship. In that moment it felt like I needed to grieve our relationship and then the floodgates of emotions opened.
     
    #7 NeonSocks, Jul 20, 2017
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  8. Peterpangirl

    Peterpangirl
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    Yes, I know, the waves of grief. I had that just the other day when he mentioned a nice memory from the past. So bittersweet.
     
    #8 Peterpangirl, Jul 21, 2017
  9. rosemarythyme

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    Exactly this. As if it's no longer possible to deny myself this. Can't fall back on the usual defences, the heart has cracked open and it's very raw, everything touches it and it really hurts. Crying in not so private places has stopped being embarrassing this past year, it's just what I do. Some days it's hard to remember that it could lead to something positive.

    Sending virtual hugs.
     
    #9 rosemarythyme, Jul 21, 2017
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  10. Really

    Really
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    #10 Really, Jul 21, 2017
  11. NeonSocks

    NeonSocks
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    I haven't heard that one, but will definitely give it a listen. Podcasts are what keep me sane at work so I am always looking for new ones to try.
     
    #11 NeonSocks, Jul 21, 2017
  12. NeonSocks

    NeonSocks
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    So just wanted to post an update after the events of the weekend.

    My partner and I had a long talk again last night after enduring the on again off again awkwardness. He said something to me that has been said here so many times, but coming from him it gave me some closure. He told me I have spent my entire life trying to live for some one else, and now is the time to live for myself. He mentioned how he wishes I could just accept that it is ok to be happy living the life I want not the one society wants.

    Things are still rocky in our relationship, but I feel like now I have his blessing to move on, knowing that he will be ok and we tried our damndest not to hurt each other. It all gave me a moment of peace I had lately been struggling to find.
     
    #12 NeonSocks, Jul 24, 2017
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  13. silverhalo

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    Hey NeonSocks, this post made me smile so much. I a man so glad you had that conversation with your partner, he is right you deserve to be happy. Now go find your happy :slight_smile:
     
    #13 silverhalo, Jul 24, 2017
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  14. Silverbirch

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    Grief for what we've lost, what we've denied ourselves, and the pain and questioning we've been through can creep up on us. It's no surprise because the rest of the time we're so busy thinking about 'stuff' and trying to work through our realisations that the grief for the past and how things were, and who we used to be!, gets put to one side for later. But later can't wait and it catches us unawares in quiet moments when we're not expecting it.

    I'm glad you've received some closure from your partner, that must be a really important step for you. :slight_smile:
     
    #14 Silverbirch, Jul 24, 2017
  15. NeonSocks

    NeonSocks
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    @silverhalo baby steps until I get to the mountains!

    @Silverbirch You summed it up perfectly. It is a big step forward and I feel like my head and my heart are finally on the same page.
     
    #15 NeonSocks, Jul 24, 2017
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  16. leb10

    leb10
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    So glad to read that you got that closure! It must feel so good to release a little of that weight you carried in your relationship
     
    #16 leb10, Jul 24, 2017
  17. NeonSocks

    NeonSocks
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    Thank you! And it does help, but now I still feel so torn. The thought of starting over excites me, but also terrifies me. But in the end, this is all part of the journey towards living as the real me. There will still be good days and bad days, but today it feels like it will all be ok.
     
    #17 NeonSocks, Jul 24, 2017
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  18. ShortButSweet

    ShortButSweet
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    This time 2-3 weeks ago I thought things would never start to settle, but they are. It's not easy, nothing worth doing ever is but it does get better. Stay true to yourself.
     
    #18 ShortButSweet, Jul 24, 2017
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  19. NeonSocks

    NeonSocks
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    Well...I applied for a job in New Mexico earlier this week. I lived there for awhile after college and felt like that was where I truly belonged. I don't know what the future holds, but I feel like I need to get back out west for my own sanity. I don't even know how to put into words all the feelings and thoughts that are going through my mind, but applying for that job felt like I was taking another big step towards the future that I need.
     
    #19 NeonSocks, Aug 4, 2017
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  20. Really

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    #20 Really, Aug 4, 2017
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