I am a bottom, and really have only topped about 3/4 times in the 9 years I've been having sex, every other time it's always been the other guy that's taken the dominant lead role. I am very happy being a bottom during sex, but I actually have some serious deep rooted demons and mental health issues revolving around my sexual position preference. I present myself to the world as quite a dominant and tough character. People know me as a tough character who takes any knocks as they come and I demand a certain level of respect off people, and don't put up with people walking over me anymore. This kind of masculine alpha male type image I present to the world contrasts entirely with my sexual position preference and my ideas of sexual fantasies in which I am always being dominated by men more powerful than me. I know I have asked people before about it, and they tell me to relax, and that loads of butch men love to be dominated etc, but I can't seem to justify or make sense of it in my head. It's all filtered through this image of men being the bottom being more beta/ submissive / a doormat basically. Without turning into a psychotherapist I would say that it probably stems out of being bullied for being gay, and something about that act of guys ganging up on me for my sexuality etc causing some internal conflict as well as sexual fantasies, and that is something that has taken me a lifetime to get over, and I am still working on it daily. The truth is, I would happily serve myself up to be dominated, but I would feel like I would loose all my masculinity, my pride, my confidence. My self image would be shifted depending on who the guys were and how they treated me, e.g. if they told people or if it got out, it would ruin my life, I actually would be very worried for my own safety if people found out that I had those kind of fantasies or it ever happened. Most people have told me to explore power bottoming, which I think I am lightly getting into. I'm really into BDSM, and have a dirty mind, on a physical level though, I literally suffer erectile dysfunction every time I go to screw a guy. I think it's probably not being used to the penetrating act/ topping, and a combination of the performance anxiety that ultimately causes me to go soft half way through. I just don't feel comfortable doing the topping, in fact I never really think much about topping it all, the only time i would ever picture topping someone is a guy a few years younger and smaller than me. Weird. I went to book an appointment with the doctor to see about the ED but I found out they have to examine and check out your penis, and thats quite embarrassing, so I cancelled it, and said for now I will stick with buying expensive Horny Goat Weed to try and help me keep it up. Not sure what my doctor would say to be honest! I seriously feel depressed though, because I feel like my penis isn't working properly. I look at straight men, and gay (top) men and even vers, and then I think of Bottoms, which I fall into. and think of just the anxiety I go through every time people ask me if I'm top or bottom (even friends just being curious) or "who's the man and who's the woman" .. I actually have fear going back out trying to find guys now because I've got myself so anxious and worked up over this anxiety over performance and topping/ my erections / being a bottom! advice needed guys! thanks x
What's wrong with going to the doc about ED? They are medical professionals that are there to help you. As for masculinity... it seems to be a problem for many gay men. Position preference in sex does not correlate to masculinity, but I can understand why people would make the comparison (The bottom being seen as "the girl"). You're not losing your masculinity when you bottom, nor are you gaining masculinity when you top. In fact, masculinity/femininity have nothing to do with sex. Do you want to top because you like it? Or is it because you want to feel more masculine?
there is nothing wrong with ur penis, most of the time not being able to keep it hard is all mental and in your head. Basiclly if you clear your mind I am sure you will be fine down bellow. Now clearing your mind might be harder said than done, I can see that you dont view bottoming as manly, which is what society is basiclly telling us. Many straight and gay guys love anal sex, me being one of them. The act of anal sex in a way could be seen as manly if you think of it as it takes time to master and at first it is often painful. Not sure if you would benifit from seeing someone and talking to them about this, as you say this is starting to make you depressed. a professional maybe to unlock your mind to a new way of looking at the topic
This is what you have to focused on. You have been taught to perceive femininity as a weakness. So while bottoming doesn't take your masculinity away, I would challenge you to think "So what if it does?" Lets pretend that for some reason you lose your masculinity because you bottom. What would that mean to you as a person? Will your friends treat you different? From what you are writing, it seems that you have created this masculine persona to keep yourself safe and guarded. Your masculinity is what gives you access to self respect, friends, and the like. At least that's what you perceive. There is nothing wrong with being feminine. The whole Alpha/beta shit is pure bullshit and doesn't exist. Stop basing your self-worth on your masculinity and base it on something more important like how good of a person you are, morals and ethics.
To summarize what others have been saying - be yourself, embrace whom you are, build confidence, self esteem and love yourself! Your journey is to put aside society norms and work to fully embrace the person your supposed to be - regardless of what others think. I would also add topping vs bottoming has less to do with masculinity vs femininity, nor submissiveness vs dominance, and more to do with what you physically and emotionally enjoy. You can and probably are actually more in control as a bottom than you perceive a top to be. You can submit or be as dominant as you want regardless of the position. And sometimes, you can even just let your mood and the chemistry between yourself and a sexual partner decide what sexual and emotional roles you take while being intimate. You can learn to manage the shame you are experiencing. As you manage the shame, you can build confidence and self esteem. And as you love yourself for whom you are you may find yourself opening up to all the sexual possibilities!
