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Issues...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by scaredstraight2, Jul 18, 2017.

  1. scaredstraight2

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    Hello you beautiful people. I searched for a place like this and finally signed up today. Posted this in the welcome section as Im getting a feel for exactly how this works. Ill repost here. This is what Im going through and Im really hoping for some advice.. Here goes...
    I
    have figured I was gay for a very long time, since about 13 or so. Came out to my family.. then went back in. I'm 27 now, in a hetero relationship with 2 kids whom are truly a blessing. However, I know I'm living a lie, but I am very afraid of coming out and possibly hurting my children. I should have stuck with myself but that white picket fence syndrome really got ahold of me. I was never pressured to go back in the closet... just felt my family would be more proud if I did. I'm tired of living this way but my kids don't deserve me walking out on them. I've made a mistake and am terrified to be myself. Hence the username. Can anyone offer advice? Just made my account today in hopes of finding someone who hasexperienced a semi similar situation.... confusing... trust me I know it is...
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to Later in Life. :slight_smile:
     
  3. scaredstraight2

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    Hey thanks dear :slight_smile:
     
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  4. Moonsparkle

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    Hi Scared and welcome to EC--you will find EC to be a welcoming community, and reading others stories will be helpful. It certainly has been for me. I have a couple of thoughts on your post. (I'm 49 btw and came out a couple years ago; though prior to this I had always dated men, and was married to a man too.)

    On this I would say that please know that the best gift you can give your children, yourself, and all of those around you is to live authentically. Living authentically IS scary, for sure! And involves not just being authentic around sexuality but in all areas. Therapy has been immensely helpful to me in making progress in this area. There are so many gains in living in a way that is true to ourselves. Ultimately life is easier, we have more confidence, feel more 'settled' and at peace. And feeling more at peace makes moving through the world and our daily lives more comfortable. I read somewhere that it is only through living authentically that we can truly give of ourselves to others, which seems to make sense to me. (Which isn't to say that the process is always easy, and it certainly isn't a straight line, it's definitely filled with a lot of bumps along the way!)


    Try not to get too hung up on the 'I've made a mistake' idea. Great advice has been given here on this site about how we can't regret how we have lived our lives. For whatever reason we needed the experiences we have had to bring us to the place we are now. 'Everything happens in its own time,' may be a helpful way to look at things. Your life has blessed you with two wonderful children, who you will always be there for, regardless of your sexuality.

    I am not sure if you are in therapy, but if not you may find it helpful. Sometimes it can simply be helpful to have a therapist reflect back to us what we are expressing. And to dig a little deeper into the uncomfortable territory. Often its mentioned here to find a specifically trained LGBT therapist, though personally I don't think this is necessary. I think more important is to find an experienced therapist who you click with. My therapist isn't a LGBT therapist, but working with him has been so beneficial to me. You may want to give therapy a try if you are not already seeing a therapist.

    In the meantime, keep visiting EC! :slight_smile:
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    I haven't been in your situation and there are members of this forum who may respond later with more qualified advice, but it sounds to me like you are paralysed by fear - mostly fear of the unknown. I'm sure your head is spinning with questions to which there are no certain answers and when it's like that you can get into quite a rut with it all.

    To begin with, you may wish to consider making an appointment with a relationship counsellor (on your own initially) in order to sketch out your situation and explore a way, or ways forward. Talk honestly about everything and really focus on those fears. At some point the counsellor will most likely suggest introducing your wife to the process, in order to facilitate an amicable solution that protects the interests of your kids and each other, but I wouldn't stress about all of that right now. How would you feel about making an appointment with a relationship counsellor?

    It sounds like you have buried a lot of stuff over the years and when you think about untangling all of it, it can seem scary and overwhelming, but we have many people here who have been through the entire process and are living proof that you can move towards a better and more honest life for yourself and all concerned. In the long run it's better for your kids to have a dad who is honest and at ease with himself than having a dad with lots of buried issues that are nagging away at his emotions and spoiling his happiness.

    I'm pleased you joined EC and have begun this process. At the age of 27 you are still young and have some good years ahead of you, so try to remain focused on that and don't get too despondent. We are here for you!
     
    #5 PatrickUK, Jul 18, 2017
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  6. scaredstraight2

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    Hello Moonsparkle!

    Thank you for your insights and advice. I have considered therapy, the fear is overwhelming. However I think its definately a step I need to take.

    Living authentically leading to happiness makes alot of sense to me too. Im a professional magician, my life revolves around deception. Thats how I feed my kids. So I think being honest with myself and everyone else for a change may be healthy.
     
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  7. Mj5963

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    Hi as a father of three (now 22,24,27 all girls) and still married dealing with some similarity I get what your saying . Around & years ago I finally jumped in and explored my curiosity with guys I have had s long time . Never went into marriage understanding or even knowing my same sex attraction was what it really is . Just felt I was a super sexual guy which I am , always horny and live the human body make and female . Well needless to say it was that and then some. My wife found out last September so almost a year ago and we have gone through a lot since then but remain together and in many ways I am way happier now she knows me not being straight X. Yet I feel I have worked very hard with a lot of professional help and self work with reading and talking to begin to resolve what I really want to be happy and that is to remain with my wife . Now we have almost 30 years together so that history has a huge impact . My kids are adults and if I needed to tell them I would but really I don't .

    I am not living your life and I guess your kids are younger . Does your wife know about your sexuality or same sex attraction ? That is an important component of what you do together in the future. I truly suggest you seek some professional help and guidance . Your happiness is what is ultimately the goal and only you can answer that , nobody here can/

    Wish you luck
     
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  8. scaredstraight2

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    Thank you. Truly means alot. Ive thought about a therapist but never a relationship counselor... Worth looking into. Thank you so much. And paralyzed by fear could not be a more accurate diagnosis.
     
  9. scaredstraight2

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    Thank you for your reply. She knows Ive been with guys but its only veen discussed once. I was with a man before I met her and something came up about me supporting lgbt. She said its because I was gay... I responded with "I had to try it and thats how i know Im not gay!" Straight up lie... But it eased my anxiety of the situation and got her to shut up. Lol.
     
  10. Mj5963

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    Well I can tell you I have many regrets looking back and the one that I do most is the fact I wasn't open and honest with her . She never deserved my infidelity and basically deception of the real
    Me. Love is strong and can survive but honesty is the key and most important part of marriage
     
  11. scaredstraight2

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    I agree wholeheartedly. But I dont think for a second that when I tell her she will want to stay.. No way.
     
  12. Mj5963

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    I
    Ironically my wife always said cheat on her once and we are done , but surprise once it really happened and we end through a lot after the disclosure and discovery we have found ourselves closer together and I candidly am happier . It is not about me suppressing my sexuality but finding the place of peace and happiness and it is remaining together and being open and honest
     
  13. PatrickUK

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    And maybe staying together will not be the right outcome for both of you. The reason I suggested relationship counselling was to enable you, initially, to explore some options and then look at them with your wife with the support and guidance of a rational and highly qualified intermediary. Relationship counselling isn't always about keeping couples together, sometimes it's about facilitating an amicable break up that protects the interests and feelings (as far as possible) of everyone. It's not an easy process because it requires honesty and vulnerability, but when you consider the alternative to an amicable solution it's worth the effort and personal unease.
     
  14. silverhalo

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    I'm also going to add that and I think I'm right but correct me if I'm wrong, you wrote somewhere that you feel like eventually this will break you. Deep down you are most concerned about your kids and I can tell you for sure they would rather have separated parents and a gay out dad than a broken dad.
     
    #14 silverhalo, Jul 18, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2017
  15. angeluscrzy

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    For what it is worth, I've been where you are, scared to death to make any drastic change for fear of hurting my children.
    I was always open with them from a fairly young age, so I had told them before about my having feelings for guys. The big thing was I didn't want a situation where I didn't see them every day. Currently, they are with me full time, but at first after the split, I only had them half the week. That's hard, but it also gave me the chance to get out from under that weight that I certainly felt was crushing me. In turn, my kids also noticed a change in my demeanor. My oldest (14 at the time) commented that I just seemed much happier.
    Should you split from your spouse, that is entirely your choice, but don't torture yourself with these fears that you will be hurting them so terribly. Things will change for sure, but they will adapt.
    Most importantly, they need a father that is emotionally present and happy. That is the best way you can provide for them.
     
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  16. justaguyinsf

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    Maybe I overlooked it, but how is the marriage going apart from your personal struggles? Is there harmony in the home and at least affection with your wife? If things are generally good then I would probably counsel against doing anything that would break up or disrupt your family ... by my way of thinking you should do whatever you can to shield your kids and wife from unnecessary harm. That doesn't mean put your struggles in a box and repress them, but rather for now think of them as personal and find some support for yourself to explore what they mean and the various options you have for dealing with them that don't involve breaking up your family. Getting a divorce will be life-changing for your kids, and is often detrimental, so unless the situation is intolerable and the relationship between spouses truly broken divorce is to be avoided (speaking from personal experience here).
     
  17. LostInDaydreams

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    I get what you're saying, and my situation is similar to the OPs, so I might be biased.

    I would say (as my parents divorced) it might be worse for children to witness a divorce at the point where 'the situation is intolerable and the relationship between spouses truly broken', than one that occurs earlier and on better terms. As a child, there's not much worse than being in the middle of that.

    My partner and I had this discussion a few years ago when we nearly split up. At that time, I made the same case as you, but now I'm not so sure.
     
    #17 LostInDaydreams, Jul 19, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2017
  18. justaguyinsf

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    Good point. I asked about the status of his marriage for two reasons. First, I think it is generally better for kids to live in an intact home if the marriage seems to be workable and healthy enough, and I think parents have to make sacrifices sometimes to provide that environment for their kids. Of course, balancing these potentially competing interests is completely up to the individual. Second, men sometimes find out that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the "gay side" of the fence and they come to regret leaving their wives ... so I think it's wise not to make such a huge decision as coming out to a spouse and leaving a marriage without considering that one may find life once the dust has settled to be decidedly less fulfilling.
     
  19. LostInDaydreams

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    Both good points. Both are things that I frequently consider too. It's a very difficult decision.

    I'm not sure whether there was anything behind your reference to men regretting it, but I think women could regret it too.
     
  20. justaguyinsf

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    I'm sure that's true. If you were inquiring about me, I generally don't regret not being married to my ex-wife anymore, although being a single older gay man is a fairly lonely existence at times and the options for close/intimate companionship are close to nil. It would be much, much easier to find a woman as a mate than a gay man. I also have qualms about how everything that happened affected my daughter, but I do know that I did everything I could to make things right. I was also thinking about a formerly married guy who posted on here about leaving his wife and kids and once the dust settled, if I remember correctly, was have serious misgivings.