Three Years in the Making

Aight, so this is going to be a pretty hefty post, so bear with me.

So there's this guy named Owen and we've been on and off since my freshman year of high school and we're both about to be seniors. Freshman year, we cuddled, he sang songs to me, held hands, all that good stuff. We also almost kissed, but I didn't quite catch the hint and I missed out on it, and to this day I regret it. But through all of this, it would be cuddling one night and the next night we ended up hating each other. It was some crazy shit. Then Freshman year ended, and we didn't hate each other that much but we still weren't the best of friends.

Fast forward to the beginning of sophomore year. We started flirting again, and he would come into my room with nothing but boxers on and we'd lay there together. Then one night he wanted me to give him an ass massage, which I did (this detail is important later). But when I told a friend about it, my friend brought it up to him and Owen denied, denied and denied some more and went around telling everyone how big of a liar I was and stuff like that. No bueno right? Later that year, I wrote him a poem which was a parody of "Annabelle Lee" by Edgar Allen Poe which listed everything we did and at the end I said "I fucking hate you Annabelle Lee." He was in the class and later that day, he smiled and said that he hated me too.

We didn't talk for the remainder of that year and then junior year hit. We didn't talk unless he or I needed help with math and some of the help that he requested was sort of redundant and even my friends started to take notice. But they also started to take notice that he was hanging out with this kid named Grant in excess and warned me that they might be a thing (mind you, Owen is not completely out but it's sort of an open secret that he's bisexual). I asked his friend about it who said they are not doing anything and she then reported to him that I asked about it. He got pissed but I shrugged it off.

Then in about November, we got into an argument on Snapchat text after he said he wanted nothing to do with me. Absolutely nothing. And this came after I asked if I can vent to him. Things had been going well with us up to this point, but he totally flipped. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "I apologize for telling one person about what we did"
Owen: "Pfft, what we did."
Me: "I'll never apologize for loving you."

Then the texts stop. I told my friend to go check on him and Owen was flat out crying. I spoke to him the next day and he said, "He can see us being more than friends if I gain his trust back." So I said, "Of course."

I then sent him a note on New Years' day saying how much I loved him and stuff. It was a long ass message. Then he said, "I know what this is like. But I can't." I was upset for about a minute before I bounced back and Snapchatted this other guy who'd I'd been talking to from my school.

Anyways, we've had a lot of small interactions since then. He laughs at my jokes, sends me the math homework when I want it and we got assigned to be prefects in the same dorm and were very close to being roommates. It almost turned bad.

But now here's the dilemma: going into senior year, this is the last time we're going to be around each other and in very high volume because we're essentially co-workers. We've had this on and off thing, and I wanted to know if it's finally time to make a move? Things started to look up for the last few days on junior year, just as they were at the beginning of when we'd be flirting and stuff.

My friend did say, with us both in the room, that we'd "end up fucking one day" and is this year the year?

 

Thanks for your responses guys.

I have gone on with life and each and every time I do, he ends up somehow sucking me back in. I've done stuff with other guys and was kind of close to being in a relationship with one of them but I couldn't commit.

Now on the note of his self-acceptance: he is coming out to more and more people, so perhaps this year may be a year for him to fully come into himself and his own skin and that's what I'm hoping for.

Lastly, I don't want a "real relationship" with him. Like I care about him a lot, but the kid is a fucking handful and it's purely sexual for me at this point.

 

Thanks for the help!

I'll try to take it slow this time around and be up front so that he definitely knows what I want out of this. Truthfully, I would have a relationship with him only if he was out. I've spent long enough hiding and I don't want to have to hide who my boyfriend is.