Do you sometimes have that feeling, when you are alone, that you would be fine with men. As in, an abstract concept. I do sometimes. Still feeling I could be attracted to guys after I've established an emotional connection with them. I do not think I will ever have instant sexual attraction to them, I've never had that. I have however to women. Like for example yesterday there was a cute girl that worked at the bar. She was not only cute, but also hot. Way out of my league. I guess 4 years older. I boldly asked her for a kiss, and I got one!! (yay me I was so excited and I repeated to my friend over and over again how soft her lips were.) My heart was racing. But now I am alone, I still know how cute she was and I still know what my feelings for her were right in that moment. Another thing also happens when I am alone and that is that I become disintergrated? Is that a correct word? Like It feels like yesterday's moment never happened, while I know it has happened. Is that weird? I cannot get in touch with the moment I had. I remember that when I was in love, I could. It has been a while since I completely lost it. After I have fallen out of love with that damn girl, the same thing happened. Like it does not feel like it happenend, but I know it happenend. In these moments when I am alone and lost, completely unaroused, I suddenly think I have attractions to men. When I find them funny or sth my mind is like ''you could develop feelings!!'', but there is this gut feeling that screams ''noooooo!!!''. I feel like crying because I don't want it. It is a purely rational thought I think, because when ask myself if I would be jealous then I answer no. I'd shrug and move on. Like my mind is trying to find targets to like. Maybe my mind produces these thoughts because I've been single my entire life, and yearn for a deep emotional connection with someone (and also some sex). Mostly emotional at the moment, because that part has been completely neglegted. I think maybe my brain just wants that, and mistakes a feelings for a friend immediately with relationship material. But shit I hate and love being feeling-less at times. I hate that I cannot validate my sexuality for myself in right in those moments of being alone, even though there have been past feelings that I cannot choose to ignore. Then those feelings leave me and I feel completely empty, but mostly lost. Same goes with my identity as a gay woman, or lesbian woman, whatever. When I am surrounded with bisexual or straight women I feel like a lesbian, or just completely alienated from their experience of being attracted to guys (omg he was so hot bla bla). When I am alone however, I don't feel that and suddenly think I am bisexual or sth. anyone else?
I've never felt that way, but I can't say It's uncommon. It usually happens because a lot of lesbians either don't accept their sexuality or just feel lonely. However, when I feel like that, I just wish I was a straight guy, so I could get with straight women (in a positive way...any straight woman open to a lesbian is almost universally a negative experience).
Hey, I kind of get what you're talking about. I had never been in any romantic relationship, yet for the last month or so I've wanted to have a girlfriend so badly. I daydream often about having a fulfilling relationship with a woman. Also, just recently I've started to accept my gayness, and right now I would describe my state as "having a very fragile inner peace" - what I mean by that is even though I know that I love girls and being aware of that is so empowering, every day I am reminded that as a girl I'm supposed to be with a man. It's hard. Funnily enough, for as long as I remember myself (including times when I was a small kid), every time when someone would bring up my future "marriage" and imply by this having a future husband, I would just deny it. "No, I don't want that", or "I'm not interested in that" - those were always my replies, and I still have no clue why I haven't figured earlier what could be behind my answers or why I was so damn sure about that. It just was there, deep inside my conscience. Plus, as an obsessive person, I often tend to over-analyze everything, and end up being in a similar state as you are. And after contemplating on that I think that what Creativemind said does sound true: it's loneliness (which is caused by the lack of a basic human need: communication with other human beings), and maybe also inner pressure/fear of what society expects from us. I apologize for this extensive personal rambling, hope it may help you somehow.
OH MY GOODNESS. I have this exact same experience. Whenever I am around straight or bi women, I feel like I am SUCH a lesbian. When I am alone I start to really doubt myself and my sexuality. I have never been sexually attracted to men but sometimes when I like a guy as a friend I think that it could maybe develop into something more (even though I don't want it too). I theoretically could be attracted to a man but I have never experienced that before--I have to think really hard about what man I would want to date/have a crush on, I don't innately know it because it is something I think about, not something I feel. I overthink everything, and I find it really hard to validate my own feelings too. I think it's especially hard to be confident in being a lesbian when so much of the media is heteronormative. I have had a relationship with a girl! I have been in love! But when I am alone I frequently question whether any of that was really real or not (even though I know it was real). What has helped me is talking with my friends and a therapist to make sure my brain is not twisting reality. Also, I think it is important to write down your feelings in a journal so that when you start to doubt yourself you can look back through your journal and remind yourself how gay you really are. I am sorry to hear you have this struggle as well, but know that you are NOT alone and that whatever you identify as is VALID. Best of luck to you!
I completely relate as well! When I write in my journal or when I am by myself, I pretty much admit to myself I am gay. I have intense crushes and fantasies about various women, and I'm running out of proof that I am attracted to men. I am married and a wonderful man and we have a two year old girl, and life has always been pretty good. When I am with him I wonder if I am just crazy, although I really have no desire to have sex with him. All of my attraction is towards women. But I still convince myself I'm just unhappy for other reasons of developing a crazy fetish. But again, when I write it is so so obvious it is much more than that. I suppose I am still in denial... It's so difficult dealing with this!
I think you should go find that girl from the bar again. She might be thinking about you. And to answer your question: yes they do sometimes. But they're still lesbians. It's just part of being human.
Haha, same here, I tend to over analyze waaayy to much which leaves me completely alienated from myself sometimes. I do not over analyze that much when I am with people so I guess I am more in touch with my feelings. I do not get the time to over analyze my responses that much I think. Yah I also think it is loneliness, I mean I feel very lonely sometimes. I got no friends who are in the same situation (the lesbian situation) as me, so here is my only outlet. That part of me therefore gets ignored by myself or surpress it. (I do not only do this with the whole lesbian experience, but even my hobbies! for gods sake) And yah, even though I semi-accept myself, there is still that part that screams ''you are lying''. Bit like alison bechdels coming out story haha. The shower panel where she is like ''What the fuck have you done telling people you are a lesbian, you have to be sure first before, etc etc''
Ohhh, nice to hear that you are in the same situation! and Yes, I already write everything down in a journal hah. Sometimes I feel like burning it, as to start fresh over again and to get rid of those pages on which I have written my vulnurable feelings. If someone finds it, I would be completely destroyed. Never liked having personal thoughts on paper, people could completely destroy me in an emotional or mental sense if they found it. Still, it feels like a relief sometimes seeing how many times, over and over again, sometimes between the lines, I have written how much I tend to go for women. And yes to the same feeling that I as well do not have an innate feeling for what I like in a guy. I used to make lists of qualities, but only for the appearance. a very, critical, long list, with very stupid things like, he has to have blue eyes, if not he must go. Very ridiculous in hindsight, because I could not care less if it were with a girl (about the colour of her eyes). I thought if I found someone good looking, I would eventually fall for them, but most guys (read: all) never ticked all the boxes. Plus, I had these fucked up methods of how love should work, based on stories I had read. I tried to translate those stories into my life, instead of seeing my own life reflected in stories. Of course later I would find out that stories that one relates to have much more emotional impact than the ones who do not. But you need to explore that, because all children do is translating and copying, so of course it is sometimes hard to feel what is real to you. Introspection is not an easy task I am afraid. Girls on the other hand were always innate and very intense. Much like BAM there she was. Like girl at the bar. First reaction was immediate: she is pretty I want her to kiss me. I would only begin to question attraction after people made comments: ''Maybe its just a quick infatuation, you are just making things up'' and not the other way around, like with guys: ''he is so hot you should date him'' -> ''Should I?, probably, yah''
Oahh I reallly want to go back to her, but I am not sure if she's thinking about me. I could always try of course, but I do not know her working times. Plus, she was way out of my league (I would be too goddamn nervous to talk to her) and 4 years gap probs! and she seemed so mature while I was there with my stupid young ass. Maybe she thought I was cute but Idk. Man she had soft lips and I probably looked like a fool afterwards. I cannot remember if I just ran away afterwards (not literally of course), or if she smiled or winked or whatever at me because I was totally focused on her touch. If I only could remember!
