Hello! Firstly I'd like to point out what an amazing community it is here, I accidentally stumbled across this site having none to really confined in having been reading post after post for a while but never actually posting myself ... Il try keep this brief, I also felt this would be the best section apologies if not. Basically on some level I've always thought I was gay but always shrugged it off, I come from a pretty homophobic family so in guessing it's where it comes from When I met my girlfriend I always remember thinking "well guess il find out if I am now" we were both 18 at the time, but things were fine. Fast forward 8 years I have started to lose all attraction to women slowly and more gain more for men but again, I just shrugged it off. Last weekend we put down a deposit on a house but instead of being happy I had a near panic attack and question everything and I have no idea what to do now. It's the first time I've really acknowledged my sexuality I haven't really slept since I lay in bed and think about the past and wonder how I didn't know I was gay and how I've let it get this far like why didn't I know sooner? That's even before thinking about how I even begin to start telling my girlfriend which right now I don't know how too I don't want to hurt her of course seattling down and getting a house in suburbia is all she's ever wanted. part of me thinks of me thinks I should get the house and work it all out afterwards, kind of like a consolation prize "hey! I wasted the past 8 years of your life, but here's a house" but the other side of me thinks should defiantly not do this as it will only add so much more complication to a shity situation. I also don't even know where to begin telling her, it will ruin her and the last thing I want to do is hurt her, I'm still trying to process it all myself. Any advise would be greatly appreciated!
Well first off even coming here is a good step . Secondly just because u have thoughts about guys doesn't mean you are gay. Sexuality is such a fluid thing and fantasies just don't dictate reality . Sounds like you have curiosity which I believe is way more normal than most would admit . I would suggest you actually talk to your gf about some of your fantasies and even thoughts about your own sexuality and your lover for her is such that you would like her to help you understand them . I the. Suggest you do go see a therapist which u detests ds and has experience with LGBT and sexuality . Being honest and upfront is so important part of true love good or bad . I violated all that when I betrayed my wife sleeping with guys behind her back and I was beyond blown away that while she thought her reaction would be divorce and bye bye , but it wasn't and she let me explore and find myself during this process . Happy to say we remain married and are on a path of reconciliation. Good luck
So I take it you're in your mid-20's and not married. I would recommend you stop the house purchase at a minimum ... tell her you're not ready to take this step after giving it a lot of thought. I would anticipate that things will start to unwind between you two at that point, which will give you an opportunity to let the relationship end with or without disclosing to her your questions about your sexuality. The real question I think is whether you'll want to actually see that happen because it sounds like your struggle is not so much with her as it is with yourself, and she and the relationship you have with her provide a necessary distraction.
Wouldn't that be.... "here's a mortgage" instead of "here's a house"? My point here is that it's better to not continue leading her on. If you're sure you're gay, you need to come clean before you "waste" more of her time. Also, the longer that you wait, the more risk you have of sticking yourself deeper and deeper into a situation that you can't dig yourself out of.
I agree that you should probably let her know what you have been going through before you buy the house. It's painful, but being honest will make yourself feel so much better and will allow you to take the next steps best for both of you. I'm in a marriage with a child and also about to purchase a house. My husband knows exactly where I am at with my questioning, so we are able to continuously talk and assess where we are at. Coming from my position, it is so much better to speak up and so your inner searching now rather than after you have more commitments. Good luck!
We're also about to move house (but, it's not a joint purchase), and like yours, my partner doesn't know anything about my questioning. Whilst our move isn't changing our level of commitment, my partner is aware of the level of interest I show. So, he's commented about me not really appearing interesting in looking a new furniture, etc. So, even if you don't mention it at this point, there's the chance your partner will pick up on something not being quite right. And welcome to EC!
I think doubt and questioning will always be a part of commitment, whether you're struggling with your sexuality or not. Buying a house with someone is a big step for anyone, but in your case it seems like you've pretty much already made up your mind. For both your own sake and hers, please don't go any further, or you'll both be unhappy. It's not your fault that you feel the way you do, you shouldn't blame yourself for "wasting her time" if you felt content with the relationship before this happened. You don't owe her a house in the suburbs but you do owe her the chance to get that with someone who wants it with her, if you get what I mean.
