This may seem like a silly question but I'm honestly not sure if I'm dating or just friends with this woman and it is driving me nuts. We live an hour apart so we do not see each other much. We text in the morning. On occasion I will text her during the day which she answers. In the evening we email each other. Morning texts consists of a good morning. If I text during the day it is just a quick text that says I'm thinking about her, to which she responds thanks or me too. Evening emails are about how each other's day at work and such. I occasionally add in either how I think about her a lot or how attractive I think she is. She told me early on she is not used to anyone saying nice things about her. She did email me once and say you do realize I think about you a lot too. Other than that she doesn't open up. I have said that we can take things as slow as she needs and if I say or do anything to make her uncomfortable to let me know. She has never responded to that one way or another. The daily communication continues but quite honestly I'm not sure what's going on.
Well maybe you could try upping the anti so to speak. What would you like to happen that isn't happening? What is the next step you would like to take? I just wonder if she is waiting for you to take the lead and the next step.
Quite honestly I thought about asking her how I was doing and if I had won her over yet. I think she is afraid of being hurt. She has a strong attraction to a female coworker (who is straight) and in the beginning of our relationship (whatever that relationship is) she said she had this attraction thing she had to deal with with her coworker and didn't want to hurt me. I really think it is her who is afraid of being hurt.
Do you think you could ask it in a jokey kind of way? I think we are all a little afraid of getting hurt sometimes. When you meet up has there been any sort of physical contact? Hand holding or anything?
We have hugged and held hands briefly. That's how I was going to approach it, almost in a joking way. And yes, part of me is afraid of her saying she just wants to be friends because I would like more than that. They are both teachers and not seeing each other nearly as much over the summer, so my hope has been that that attraction she has to her will die down.
Based on what you've said I think you're at the friend end of the spectrum. Even so, I'm not sure it makes any sense to try to "win" someone over to a more dating-style relationship. I think it has to happen naturally because it's what both people want. I also think you're sort of avoiding the real meaning of her comment about being attracted to her co-worker .. she doesn't want to hurt you because she is attracted to someone else ... not a lot there that needs psychoanalysis. Keep your options open.
I am probably underestimating the comment she made about her coworker. I do like her and for now I guess I'll just have to continue to be her friend and see where it goes.
I think go for it with the comment, I know it would be sad if she said she just wanted to be friends but if that's the case then you might as well know and move on. Maybe you could try and have more intimacy, more hand holding and stuff and see how that goes.
I'm sure I will make that comment to her and see how she responds. That's just how I am. And I guess if she just wants to be friends I need to know that because quite honestly I need to move on if that's all she wants.
Exactly. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking where everything stands. Taking things slow is perfectly acceptable as long as they are moving in the right direction.
She says she wants to keep seeing me but still has feelings for her "straight" friend. Not sure if I'm wasting my time here.
Well I thînk it could go either way I mean if she really loves her friend then those feelings won't necessarily disappear immediately but at the same time I wonder whether she just likes having you as a mild distraction. Did you speak to her about hand holding etc?
Hi Zumba, I totally get this, the fear that asking the question will lead to an answer we don't want to hear. And a lot of us (I've been there!) prefer to stay in the land of ambiguous territory, and not ask. After all, by asking there is that chance of being friendzoned. Not asking seemingly keeps us from the chance of being hurt, and who wants to be hurt? Even with the risk of being hurt though, I think it's good that you seem to be getting closer to asking her where she is with all this! Because the land of ambiguity is stressful, and emotionally draining in itself. With this constant question of, 'what the heck is going on here?' And the answer is out there anyway, the other person knows. They either like us as more than a friend, or they don't. Not asking doesn't change where they are at. You and her will be getting together IRL soon, so this will be a great chance to find out where she sees this going and to see if you are on the same page. It sounds like this 'thing' with her has been going on for some time, with texting as a primary means of communication. And texting/email are very low investment styles of communication, you don't want to be caught in that loop of a primarily electronic relationship. It's fine if a relationship is very new, but it seems like you have been in this mode with her for a while. I would ask directly does she want to move this thing forward? Increase time together in a real life way? She's only an hour away, if you both want to be together this is only a small inconvenience, it's still certainly possible for you two to spend a lot of time together if you both want to. Sure, maybe she's afraid of being hurt or maybe she is too hung up on straight girl coworker but her reasoning doesn't really matter. If she doesn't want to move forward you will have your answer. And if she does want to move forward--awesome! Either way YOU get to move forward; either with her, or by opening yourself to someone else who IS on the same page!
After meeting up with her again things are making more sense to me. We talked, a lot. I'm glad we did. She still is working through the feelings she has for the friend, but her bigger concern was for me. She knows my personal situation, and my lack of experience with women in general. She said because this was my first experience with dating a woman she wasn't sure quite what to do and didn't want it to be a bad experience for me. Basically she has never dated a woman who has not already had a lesbian relationship. After we talked and I told her I was realistic in my approach to dating, that I liked her and wanted to date her but also know that things might not work out for us, she seemed, for lack of a better word, relieved. She does want to date me and we are just going to see what happens. And I'm really good with that right now. I've had a lot of change in my life in the last 6 months and I just want to enjoy the experience of dating right now.
Woohoo. Talking is alway the best policy. Even if you don't get the response you want. Often the scenario in your head is way worse than the reality. Full steam ahead then Zumbaqueen
